Take up My Cross (and Camera)

So, it's been awhile since I've posted.  Sorry about that.  I've discovered that when long periods of time go by without posting anything, it usually means I haven't been taking many pictures, which usually means I've been a bit depressed, a bit too focused on the negative.  Of course, part of my lag-time between posts is because life is just plain busy with 5 boys to take care of, but I learning that even if my life is busy I need to take the time to take pictures and blog because it brings me joy, it pulls me out of my cloudy thoughts and sheds light on all the gifts to be grateful for.

This reminds me of a story I heard awhile back about a professor who gave his students a pop quiz one day in class.  There was a sheet of paper lying on each of their desks with one small black dot in the middle of the page.  He told the students that their quiz was to describe with as much detail as possible what they observed on that piece of paper.  So the students diligently began to write about this black dot--it's size, it's color, it's distance from each side of the page, hypotheses of how it got there, and so on.  After handing in their quiz, the professor read each paper and said they all had failed.  They failed because no one in the class had mentioned what else was on the paper besides the black dot.  99.9% of the paper was a brilliant white, and the class chose to only focus on the .1% of darkness.  This story is an analogy of how many of us (myself especially) tend to focus on the one negative thing going on in our life, diligently obsessing over it to the point where we completely lose sight of the thousands of blessings in our life that would far out-way the one challenge that consumes our vision and steals our joy.  Does this sound familiar to anyone else?  For me, I've learned that one way to force myself to look beyond that one black dot is to pull out my camera.   So, here are some of the things that currently make up the 99.9% of my life's "page" that remind me that I am loved, I am blessed, and that the tiny black dot cannot steal the joy that God desires for me unless I allow it to.  Just as Scripture tells us to "Take up our cross and follow Christ," I'm learning I sometimes need to force myself to "take up my camera" which helps me to follow Christ and choose joy.  May these pictures bring you some joy too!  :)

Dominic having fun in the snow!

I love those two front teeth...I'm sure the orthodontist will like them too :)

Isaiah happy to be outside with his big brothers.

Dominic being tackled by his little--but tough--baby brother!

Natey waiting for a ride!

Joseph showing off his new skis.

His old ones broke when he crashed on a ski jump this winter...

We found out a few weeks later that he also broke some bones in his back!  OUCH!

But did that stop him from building a ski jump across our driveway?

NOPE.

At least his dad was there to supervise though...

BOYS!

Michael also bought himself a new pair of skis once they went on sale.

After all, he couldn't be out-classed or out-skied by his older brother.

Our fireplace and new sitting room arrangement just make me happy.

This is probably my favorite place in the house.

It's where Paul and I pray together in the morning and lounge together in the evening.

We replaced our old pseudo-leather couches (which were flaking all over the place)

with these classy ones in our living room.

Michael (front row 3rd from the left) was installed as a "Senior Server" last weekend.

Such holy and handsome servers who are trained so well to have reverence for the Eucharist and the holy altar of the Lord!

Michael (3rd from the left) had been waiting and waiting to be asked to become a Senior Server, so he was SO happy it finally happened!

This was the 1st year Joseph's school did a boy's basketball team.

I was so proud of him for joining and doing his best, even though he'd never really played basketball before!  He's already looking forward to next year's basketball season.

I love that these boys now have land to go explore and play in all year round!

Michael loves to give crazy sled rides to his brothers.

His brothers love it too until they crash and get hurt :}

Nathanael happy to get a ride!

What a blessing to have a sledding hill right out our front door!!!

And what a blessing to have all sorts of wildlife out our front door too!!!

We got to watch these bucks spar for probably an hour or more right out our back door!

I'm not sure if they were really sparing or just having fun together

See what I mean?  I don't think they're really fighting.

I think they're buddies :)

There I go, personifying animals again.

A Red Crossbill.

These beauties with their crazy beaks seemed to stick around all winter--so fun to watch!

This adorable bunny was fun to watch all winter long.  He lives right out our back door by the pond, and almost every morning he would come out to sun himself in this spot.

The boys got this for Christmas, and we have been having a blast watching an episode each night.

It's the complete set (seasons 1-7), so it should keep us entertained for awhile!

I remember watching these with my brother Jon growing up, 

so it's special to me that my kids are liking them just like my brother and I did.

Every time the theme song comes on, it just makes me smile :)

Paul and I have been hosting a high school study called 

"YOU: Life love and the Theology of the Body".

It is an AWESOME study that helps teens and their parents navigate some of the tough issues of our times (like chastity, pornography, contraception, homosexuality) from a solid Catholic perspective.

We feel so blessed to be part of this group and we sure hope it will help these teens share Christ's light and truth in this seemingly darkened world!

Lastly, I came across a great quote that I am trying to embrace this week to help me find peace and to take my eyes off the "black dots" on my page.  Perhaps it will inspire you too and help you to keep your eyes fixed on Jesus, the Prince of Peace:

"Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit.  Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset."  

St. Francis de Sales

Belated Thanksgiving Note

I hope all of you had a thank-filled and joy-filled Thanksgiving!  To be honest, mine was filled a feast full of sadness and tears, but I still tried to give a litany of thanks in between my crying episodes :}  Ai-ya-yai!  I'm a pathetic mess at this time of year...  Hunting season seems to get harder for me to handle each year, and I  get a bit homesick being so far away from family during these big holiday feasts.  But God always surrounds me with things to be thankful for if I would just wipe the tears away and take a look outside of my selfish-self. 

This morning, for example, I awoke to glittery frost all over the trees and fields around our house...  Each glistening flake is a kiss from God, an "I love you" from Heaven...and He was just waiting for me to notice and say "thank You" or "I love You" in return.  Some days it is harder than others to notice the God-sent gifts around us; some days we simply have to will it, to force ourselves to be grateful because we feel so broken inside, but I think God is pleased with our efforts even when they don't come naturally.  I find hope in the Psalmist's words:  

"He who offers a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving honors Me."  Psalm 50:23 

Sometimes giving thanks feels like a sacrifice, but it still honors God if we choose to be thankful despite the sadness we might be going through.  Perhaps it even consoles His Heart more when we thank Him through our tears, because it means that we love Him enough to come to Him just as we are (weepy, weak, sinful, and sad), and we trust that He loves us just as we are.  

So anyway, to fit with the Thanksgiving theme, here is our family's top 10 list of gifts that we are thankful for:

1. The Eucharist:  The Greek word “Eucharisteo” literally means “to give thanks.”  That is so fitting because the fact that God loves us so much that He sent His Son to die for our sins and continues to give us Jesus’ life-giving Body and Blood in the Eucharist is certainly something to be thankful for! 
2. Our Marriage:  As most of you who are married know, marriage is hard sometimes. The past few years have been particularly hard for us, but God has taught us so much through the struggles and guided us closer to Him and to each other as we have learned how to love and forgive as God loves and forgives us.  We also learned to never lose hope, because God can bring good out of every circumstance if we trust in Him.  Our marriage received some extra special graces this summer when we took a pilgrimage to Medjugorje, which is a village in Bosnia where the Blessed Virgin Mary has been miraculously appearing every day since 1981, giving messages of peace, conversion, and love.  We hope that as we live those messages, our marriage and our family will grow in holiness and help set the world on fire with love for God. 
3. Joseph:  Joseph is now 14 and we can sure tell that he is a teenager!  He is now taller than his mother, and his hair has become crazy-curly like his father’s (was) J  His favorite activities lately are:  altar serving at Mass, playing his violin, hanging out with his awesome 8^th grade friends from St. Andrew School, fishing with his grandpa, mountain biking, snow skiing, and playing baseball at every possible opportunity—especially pitching!
4. Michael:  Michael is 12 and is excelling in the 7^th grade.  He is our competitive child who is crazy about sports.  He was thrilled to play 2 seasons of baseball this year:  one in Helena, MT and one in Aberdeen, SD (because we spent the summer in SD while getting our house sold in MT).  His teams in Helena AND in Aberdeen won the championship tournaments, which was a boy’s dream come true.  He also enjoys being an altar server, fishing with grandpa, playing chess with dad, playing darts, playing football at recess, snow skiing, and mountain biking.
5. Dominic:  Dominic is 9 and having fun in the 3^rd grade.  He is our sweet and sensitive son with a heart bigger than Montana.  He is mommy’s biggest helper because he plays with his younger brothers so patiently and so well.  He loves school and was thrilled to finally be old enough to join the orchestra this year.  He chose the cello and plays it beautifully already.  He also enjoys baseball, snow skiing, mountain biking, and taking care of the chickens that we acquired at our rental house.
6. Nathanael:  Nathanael just turned 5 and it’s hard to believe that our sweet baby boy with the dimpled chin is now a big boy who goes to preschool, knows his ABCs, and can count to 1000!  He continues to be a complete delight to our family with his sweet and silly temperament and that adorable freckled face.  He is crazy about Legos, Bionicles, magnet blocks, Nerf guns, Wild Kratts, and playing with his brothers.
7. Isaiah:  Isaiah is 2 ½ and keeps us all smiling. He is fully potty-trained, so we no longer have a child in diapers---gasp!  He spends his days playing with jets, trains, and cars, chasing chickens in our yard, and following mommy wherever she goes.
8. Our family and friends:  We are so blessed with extended family that loves us, prays for us, and encourages us from afar.  With no family in Montana, we feel so very blessed to have such supportive friends through our Catholic Church and the boys’ Catholic School.  Our friends and family (both near and far) have been one of life’s biggest blessings as we constantly encourage one another on this often difficult journey towards heaven.
9. Our jobs:  Paul took on a new position within the Federal Aviation Administration this year and he has been enjoying it a lot.  It has provided him with new challenges to conquer, more flexible hours, and less traveling—hurray!  Maria continues to have the best job in the world as a stay-at-home mom.
10. A Soul-Changing Book: Our family is so thankful for a book that is truly expanding our souls and teaching us how to grow closer to Jesus in a profound way.  The book is called Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr. Michael Gaitley, and we hope you will put it on your “Must Read” list!  This book teaches anyone how to become a saint (yes, even if you are a weak, sinful soul—which we all are!), and at the same time how to console Jesus’ Heart that is hurt by all the souls who reject His love and mercy.  Through beautiful insights from saints whom Jesus Himself appeared to (such as St. Faustina and St. Margaret Mary Alacoque), the book explains how to console Jesus in surprisingly simple ways, like having confident trust in His mercy when we fail—for that gives Him the joy of being our Savior.  But I hope you will read the book for yourselves to learn even more ways to be consolers of Jesus’ Heart!

Our family hopes that you all have hearts full of “Eucharisteo”—thanksgiving—for all the blessings God has given you, too!  May all of our hearts grow in gratitude this year, and grow closer to Jesus’ Sacred Heart which loves us so much and is thirsting for us to love Him in return.  

As Jesus said in these powerful words when he appeared to St. Margaret Mary Alacoque:

“Behold this Heart, which loves so much, yet is so little loved. 

Do me the kindness then—you, at least—

of consoling my Heart as much as you can.

Yes, let’s console Jesus’ Heart with our love and gratitude as much as we can...

even if it is a sacrifice to do so at times.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

kisses from Jesus

Last week I felt like I was in total darkness...fighting to think holy and charitable thoughts, struggling to control my mood, and shedding a lot of tears.  I am still in the process of trying to find out what is causing these severe mood swings, and I think I'm getting closer to finding some answers, but it is taking longer than I had hoped...  I'd sure be grateful for your prayers as I walk on this long and lonely road, that I may soon find healing, peace, and joy again.  Pray for my poor husband and kids too, who have to deal with me on a daily basis!  :}  The Lord has been so merciful and patient with me, and during this past week of darkness He had me stumble upon a passage from the book I am reading that really consoled my heart (and made me weep--imagine that!) :)  I thought I'd share this passage in case it encourages your soul too.  It is taken from a book I highly recommend called "33 Days to Morning Glory" by Fr. Michael Gaitley, and in this excerpt Fr. Gaitley is reflecting upon the life and writings of Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta:

From the beginning of creating her new religious order, Mother Teresa began to experience "such terrible darkness" in her soul "as if everything were dead."  At times, it seemed unbearable, and she frequently found herself on the brink of despair.  In 1961, she received a light in the darkness.  After a conversation with a holy priest, she realized that her painful longing was actually a share in the thirst of Jesus.  She said, "For the first time in this 11 years, I have come to love the darkness.  For I believe now that it is a part, a very, very, small part of Jesus' darkness and pain on earth."  Teresa's experience of darkness and painful longing continued to the end of her life.  She found strength to persevere because she realized that the darkness was actually a mysterious link that united her to the Heart of Jesus.  What about us?  Do we yet realize the mysterious link between the darkness we sometimes experience in our own lives and that of the Lord's suffering?  Let us ponder Mother Teresa's words on suffering that come from her own experience and so, like her, become better lovers of the Heart of Jesus:

"Suffering has to come because if you look at the cross, he has got his head bending down--he wants to kiss you--and he has both hands open wide--he wants to embrace you.  He has his heart opened wide to receive you.  Then when you feel miserable inside, look at the cross and you will know what is happening.  Suffering, pain, sorrow, humiliation, feelings of loneliness, are nothing less than the kiss of Jesus, a sign that you have come so close that he can kiss you....I once told this to a lady who was suffering very much.  She answered, "Tell Jesus not to kiss me, to stop kissing me."  Suffering has to come, though, that suffering that came in the life of Our Lady, that came in the life of Jesus--it has to come in our life too.  Only never put on a long face.  Suffering is a gift from God.  It is between you and Jesus alone inside..."
  
"...Be careful of all that can block that personal contact with the living Jesus.  The Devil may try to use the hurts of life, and sometimes our own mistakes--to make you feel it is impossible that Jesus really loves you, is really cleaving to you.  This is a danger for all of us.  And so sad, because it is completely opposite of what Jesus is really wanting, waiting to tell you.  Not only that He loves you, but even more--He longs for you.  He thirsts for you.  He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy.  When not accepted by others, even by yourself sometimes.  He is the one who always accepts you.  My children, you don't have to be different for Jesus to love you.  Only believe--you are precious to Him.  Bring all you are suffering to His feet--only open your heart to be loved by Him as you are.  He will do the rest."

Gratitude Lifts the Clouds

Like I alluded to in my last post, it's been a long winter figuratively for me.  I had great hopes that the new supplements I started taking a few months ago (progesterone, 5HTP, Methytetrahydolfolate, Vitamin D3, and lavender oil) would dramatically help my anxiety and depression symptoms, but I have not noticed a significant change. I'll give these supplements a few more months, and then try something new perhaps.  But I have found one thing that truly does lift the clouds a bit, and that is GRATITUDE.  Training my heart to be thankful in all circumstances and to look for all the little gifts of love that God sends me daily truly brings joy and peace to my soul.  I still have lots of training to do though, because I habitually forget to give thanks and then find myself lost in the clouds again.  So, this Lent, I am trying to recommit myself to Ann Voskamp's 1000 gift idea...forcing myself to write down a list of all the things I am thankful for each day.  So here I go again:

• my biggest boy playing with my littlest, and both of them loving it
• Nathanael with goggles on in the bathtub
• the way Isaiah says "ma-ma" 1000+ times a day---how I love that little voice
• for the manna God gives me daily in so many ways 
• a 4WD SUV for driving in Montana snow
• a book that sets my heart on fire for Christ:  "Devotion to the Sacred Heart"
• sleep
• sweetly interrupted sleep by my baby boy who just wants to be held a moment
• Isaiah dancing to Joseph's violin ditties
• being needed by a little boy with bad dreams
• hiding in the Sacred Heart
• laughing while cleaning with my big boys
• big boys who still want me to snuggle and bless them at bedtime
• a smile from an unexpected acquaintance
• Kids-Eat-Free at IHOP
• evening prayers with 5 boys on our bed, with Isaiah taking turns tackling each of us
• Pizza Hut for supper--a day off from my nemesis (cooking)
• playing Legos with Lego-lover Natey
• protection during a big car accident on my way to the ski hill---for guard rails, guardian angels, and God-sent helpers (a lady named TJ) to pull me out of the ditch
• alone-time in the ski lodge...and snacking on cheesy fries
• catching up on photo albums
• snuggling with my very sick baby; not even minding all the puke and poop
• gluten-free pizza a Dominos
• watching an old black and white movie with the boys:  "The Song of Bernadette"
• Sleepy-time Tea
• going to Trinity adoration chapel on Thursdays as a family:  the best family tradition ever
• Nathanael singing "Jesus I Adore You" as he gazes at Jesus in the tabernacle
• Qdoba on Sundays after church
• a patient husband, willing to start over and over and over again with me as I learn how to love
• my spiritual director who affirms my soul and gives me hope to keep trying
• veiling at Mass for Jesus, falling more in love with Him despite the embarrassment that I feel

ISIS, Lent, and Long winters

I just can't wrap my mind around what's happening in the Middle East--the mass-killings of Christians by the evil terrorists who call themselves ISIS.  I admit that I have lived a sheltered life, constantly surrounded by loving, Christian people.  I also admit that I don't follow current events very well because our family doesn't watch TV and I don't take the time to read the news.  So when I read on Ann Voskamp's blog about the 21 men killed for being "the People of the Cross," who had their heads chopped off for "carrying the cross illusion in their heads," I almost didn't believe her at first.  How could this be?  But the reality of it was staring me in the face...the picture of those brave about-to-be martyrs wearing bright orange coveralls.

How can such evil exist and what should we as "people of the cross" do to fight it??  Why are Christians in the Middle East being killed for carrying the cross in their heads, when I am able to be proud of my faith and literally wear a cross of ashes on my head to prove it?   Those modern-day martyrs inspire me not to take my faith for granted--to wear the cross not only on my head, but to cherish it in my heart so that I may have the courage to forfeit my life for my beliefs if terrorists come to accuse me of being one of "the people of the cross."

(A very old photo of Paul and me on Ash Wednesday--just to make you smile in the middle of such heavy thoughts) :}

On a slightly different note, I have to admit it that I'm actually looking forward to Lent this year.  Perhaps the fact that there are Christians in the Middle East being martyred for their faith makes me eager to live my faith better.  In comparison to martyrdom, praying, fasting, and almsgiving has never sounded so easy!  But to be honest, the other reason I am eager for Lent is because it has been a looonnnng winter for me emotionally and spiritually, and it seems like God continues to point my soul towards the truth that suffering has merit, that even long Winters will eventually melt into Spring.  I am praying for Jesus to walk with me through these next 40 days and reveal more of Himself to me.  I am praying for the grace to take the focus off of myself and focus instead on Jesus' suffering which proves His infinite love for us...which points our hearts towards hope.  That's what I need to sink into this wintery heart of mine this Lent...the warmth of God's love, and the healing that comes from hope.

I am praying that each of you has a fruitful Lent too!  When Lent gets long, just remember how much Christ suffered for us and that the Resurrection and Springtime are just around the corner!

Words of Wisdom for Weary Moms...

This was a recent post from Sally Clarkson's blog.  She is replying to a weary mom who is trying to raise her children right but feeling like a failure (which I struggle with nearly every day!)  Sally's wise words reminded me of Truth (Satan sure tries to fill our minds with lies!) and brought me some peace and hope...perhaps they will be words you need to hear too.


Sally,

I am so thankful for your blog and your books have been such a blessing in my life. I consider you my mentor though you do not know me personally. I’m sure this is the wrong “forum” to ask a question, and if you do not respond I understand. But I dare to ask anyway.

What do you do when your life doesn’t come close to how you believe it should look? I read your words and I’m thankful for the vision you cast. But for some time the vision I have for my home seems so far from my reality and I have no idea how to reconcile the two, even in my mind. Discouragement and frustration have started to seep in.

As a mama of three little boys, a homeschool mother, and a pastor’s wife, I don’t believe there is enough of me to go around and I’m starting to feel like I can’t even cover the basics, much less enjoy the riches of this season. I’m sure this is just part of the journey and a part of life that every wife and mother must face, but I don’t want to end up taking the wrong path because I gave up hope for the best.

I feel guilty for more and more things – what I cook (or don’t cook), allowing my children too much watch TV or play the Wii too long, not teaching them well or enough or the right things, not keeping up with just the daily things that make a house run, letting down those that I love most. Is there a way to hit the reset button and just start over once you’ve allowed habits to form in yourself and your children that you don’t like? I believe God’s grace is enough. And I value wisdom from those I know have walked this path and stayed on course.”

From A heartfelt comment I received yesterday. How great her attitude to seek wise counsel. I would find wise women and then copy them!

Countless times, I felt like I was not accomplishing anything productive. This is such a hard job, to love, educate and help shape our children’s faith. It is especially challenging in a culture that offers so much differing advice that brings voices into our heads, which then that produces guilt and inadequacy. This same culture is isolationist and  provides few support systems or Biblical direction.

So many moms feel this way, but feelings do not necessarily determine reality!

Five principles have helped me when I am overwhelmed.

1. Remember. God is with you to help you succeed.

“If God is for you, who can be against you.” God is for you–for you. He wants you to succeed. He wants to work in your home. We are not adequate to complete the task of shaping our children’s hearts, minds and souls by ourselves. When God’s Spirit is working in our midst, He will take our fish and loaves, all that we have to give to Him, within our own limitations and together with Him, our labor becomes enough. I lived into this principle, asked God to make up for my shortcomings every day, and by faith lived as though what He promised was true. He is for you, mamas, if your heart is to serve Him. He has compassion on you, knows your weariness, and is your champion.

2. “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” Romans 8:1 There are always do-overs in God’s economy. All of us mess up, (He is mindful that we are but dust! Psalm 103) Peter blew it royally when he denied Christ at his hour of need, but before he even sinned, Jesus knew what was going to happen, and told Peter he had prayed for him. Jesus had compassion before Peter had even committed the act of denying Christ.

I wonder why we have the illusion that we are supposed to be perfect. Mamas, don’t be so hard on yourself and live within your limitations. You will not ever be perfect or do it totally right–not now, not next week, not even when you are 60! (Maybe when I am 70, I will be perfect!?) And to live in guilt because you have blown it or yelled at your kids or made mistakes is a big drainer. Depression is often the result of disappointed expectations. And often we disappoint our ideals.

But this is the fallen world, and we will never be able to control ourselves, our circumstances, our children or the world the live in. We live in grace and move toward maturity little by little. And so do your children. I promise, little by little they will grow up.

And your children will never be perfect, either. Love them as they are. Believe in them, touch them. Let little boys be boys, as you train them little by little to be heroes and leaders–civilization comes from a mama who treats them with respect, and gives them a heart to be dignified.

Let little ones be innocent and enter into their stages of life with joy.

Living in the grace and knowledge that God forgives, knows our limitations, is not surprised or disappointed, but wanting to give us hope is so very crucial. Don’t listen to the accusers voice. Of course you have fallen short–you are a mom and you are human.

3. “He lay down and slept under a juniper tree; and behold, there was an angel touching him, and he said to him, “Arise, eat.” I Kings 19:5

Elijah was so very weary from spiritual battle that he despaired of his life–wished he hadn’t been born. But God knew he was extremely exhausted, battle worn, weary. So the first thing God did when Elijah poured out his heart to Him was to put him to sleep. He slept a long time–took time to physically rest. Next, and I love this, an angel touched him–physical touch, a hug, an embrace, a hand massage, a real massage, is a personal healer. I love it that God’s angel touched him and brought him comfort. Then, he still didn’t give him a lecture–instead, the angel fed him.

Sometimes mamas have been going for so long without a break, they start breaking down. A wise woman will learn her limitations and learn to say “no” so that she does not live in a constant state of exhaustion. And don’t feel guilty for saying no. You can only hold so many ideals at once, so be sure to hold on the ones that matter. And do what you are best at doing–don’t compare your life to someone else. And you may have to say no to some ministry at church for a season. Be reasonable–Jesus would never ask you to do everything–that is something you are putting on yourself–I know! I was in ministry and want to be available to everyone–but I just can’t meet all needs and have peace in my home. You might just need to start out your new beginning with sleep, a touch of gentle love and eating well–perhaps exercising–and then take time to ponder and plan..

We are not just minds and hearts–we are bodies with limitations. If we over-exert, we will crash and burn. When others are taking from us 24/7, we must wisely learn that taking care of ourselves is essential to our emotional and spiritual and physical well being. This season, if you are tired, be sure to take a break–get some rest, seek some physical comfort and restoration, eat well. You deserve to be cared for–even if you have to plan for it yourself. I know I kept waiting for someone to give me permission–didn’t happen. Finally, I took responsibility for my own happiness so that I could be happier and stronger for my kids on this long term journey.

I make beauty to remind me that I am worth something-I light candles, get some flowers at Sam’s or Costco’s–the kind that last 2 weeks, and I play music all the time.

4. “He who walks with the wise, grows wise, but  a companion of fools suffers harm.” Proverbs

You might need some inspiration, some help, some counsel, some perspective. Find someone older, more experienced, wiser to meet with and ask them to help you come up with a plan. Sometimes this is easier said than done. But I have found that when I give up my pride and take the courage to pour out my heart to wise people or more mature people, I usually find compassion and often find help. This is not always true–be discerning about who you entrust yourself to as there is a lot of foolish advice around.

My mentors for many years, were books. I was always finding books that were written by women or men older and more insightful in life. People will die for lack of instruction. I would seek to read, educate myself, find wisdom, find models of wisdom, integrity and I was a learner. I determined to learn and to get better every year.

This means being teachable and changing when we need to. We were also built for community. That is why every book I have written, I have designed to be able to be used in a small group, because godly friends are essential to my long term growth. Find wise people, books, conferences, a church, the word of God and gain wisdom. Just decide to get better every day, every year–grow, progress–don’t expect instant maturity on your part or your children’s.

5.”But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits.” God’s wisdom and leading lead us to peace, mercy and good fruit. Each of us must evaluate–what is stealing my peace? What is sucking my energy? How can I change it? This is a long distance run, not a sprint–wisdom from above will teach you to pace yourself–and not to say yes just to please others. You are quite free to be yourself, live your own story, live within your own limitations.

What notions are misleading you? Boys are given testosterone from God for a reason–they are supposed to grow up and be strong! Work with them, accept their noise, invest in their hearts, don’t try to control them–lead and inspire and train them little by little. (The 24 Family ways is a great tool for beginning to lay foundations for all the family together.)

What is not producing good fruit–your schedule? Your lack of rhythms and consistency with your children? Your lack of training with your children? Then put your finger on what is bothering you and make a practical step forward. How are you going to eliminate the stressors you have control over? How can you eliminate some of the drainers? What is one way you will become stronger and  more disciplined in the next month. Be very honest about what you must cut or quit doing or is your flaw and be vigilant about pursuing the wisdom that provides peace and good fruit.

Do first things, first. I always did devotions with the kids, first, every day. And then I read to them next. Because worshiping God has stayed with them as the oxygen we breathed every day and reading has taught all of them to think. So if I didn’t get anything else done–thy would worship God and engage in ideas–this has made all of them intellectually strong.

Say no! Limit yourself. Don’t accept responsibilities out of guilt. Don’t join activities because of voices.  And also, write down what fills you, inspires your heart, gives you a break, helps to keep you going a little bit longer–that is wisdom–creating a life that is more pleasant for yourself, more doable. Don’t copy someone else’s life, and don’t compare your children to others. Be yourselves and live your own happy story. God wants you to breathe and have freedom.

Well, I could go on for another 5. But, these are just a few of the things I have learned to do when I find myself walking a dark, discouraging path. Remember, there is always hope when you live in the love of God. This task of raising healthy, godly kids is not beyond reach. You just need to own your commitments, your wisdom, your choices and practice growing stronger. It doesn’t happen all at once. And remember,

“The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn which shines brighter and brighter until the full day.” Proverbs--every day, a little more light, a little more progress, and eventually, full brightness.

I am praying for all of you–but even more, God is praying for you and loves you. Don’t give into discouragement or inadequate feelings. With God all things are possible. He is so glad you are trying and that you care.  You are precious to Him and He is training your character to grow strong as you are training your children.

Off to bed, but I know you are going to be ok, because He will work in your life if you leave your burdens in His hands and He who began a good work will complete it–in His time, little by little, but fully complete it. God’s peace to you today!

Taken from Sally's blog:

http://www.sallyclarkson.com/there-is-always-hope-five-things-to-do-when-you-are-discouraged/

Pre-Christmas Highlights

Pre-Christmas-time is often a hectic, go-go-go-time, trying to get everything accomplished before the holidays.  I tend to get overwhelmed with finding the perfect presents for my kids, writing the perfect Christmas card with the perfect family photo, preparing a perfect holiday meal, while still trying to keep the focus on Christ somehow!?!?  Advent this year taught me that I can let go of perfectionism, and simply embrace the perfect Savior.  There is so much freedom in that!  Here are a few other things that helped our family to keep the Advent season Christ-centered:

1)  Our Advent devotional that we read as a family at night called "Bartholomew's Passage."  It has been a entertaining for all of us, and it really has great reflections at the end of each chapter to refocus our hearts on the true meaning of Christmas.

2)  We started a new tradition this year that I stole from my creative and holy friend Allison...  We have a tiny manger for baby Jesus, and each time I catch the boys doing a kind deed they get to put a piece of "hay" in the manger to make it soft and warm for baby Jesus.  However, if I catch the boys being selfish, unkind, or disobedient, they have to remove a piece of hay from the manger.  This has really been a concrete way to show the boys that their actions truly do effect Jesus.  Unfortunately, there have been a few days that many pieces of hay had to be removed...so I'm hoping and praying there will be some hay still left on Christmas morning when we place baby Jesus in the manger!  :}

3)  Last, but not least, Paul's mom came for a pre-Christmas trip that made Advent extra special.  Paul and I were even able to steal away for 2 nights while she babysat the kids!  We went to Whitefish, MT and stayed at a fancy resort that was so relaxing that I truly felt guilty being there!  We were able to eat at two fancy restaurants, soak in the hot tub at night, and I even was able to pamper myself at the spa by getting a facial (which actually back-fired on me and made my face break out for the next week!  Was that God's way of telling that I was being vain?)  But the best part was just having some quiet time to re-connect with my husband again.  With 5 kids in the house, we rarely have time to focus on "us," so this trip was truly one of the best Christmas presents ever!  Thank you so much, Grandma Jean!!!

Here are some highlights of our Advent season:

Paul with his mom, Jean.

We are so thankful she came to see the kids and give us a mini-vacation!

Here's my handsome husband, as we went on a walk in the woods, his favorite place to be!

It was sweet falling in love with him all over again...

I hope he felt the same way about me! :)

Me with a huckleberry margarita and one of the fanciest meals I've ever had!

How nice it was to not have to cook or cut up anyone's food (except my own)!

Michael got one of his greatest Christmas gifts ever...

he got his braces taken off a few days before Christmas!!!

To be honest, even though Christmas is supposed to be "the most wonderful time of the year,"

I really battle feelings of melancholy and loneliness.  We have no family nearby and I get homesick.

I have to search hard to find the beauty around me and constantly remind myself to be grateful for the many gifts I have been blessed with...

Thankfully, I don't have to search too hard to find reasons to smile!  :o)

These silly kids fill me with joy and gratitude daily!

Leading their little souls to Jesus is the greatest privilege on earth!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

MAY GOD FILL YOUR HEARTS WITH MANY REASONS 

TO REJOICE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!

Still Searching...but getting closer perhaps!

Those of you who have followed my blog for long (or who know me well), know that I have been searching for joy and fighting anxiety and depression for quite a few years.  Years of trying to pray myself through the clouds just has not cleared them away, and when I have tried to seek advice from doctors I have found the experience frustrating when they simply hand me a prescription rather helping me find and fix the source of the problem.  My hunch all these years is that unbalanced hormones have a role in my struggles because I have a history of low progesterone during my pregnancies (which may have caused my 3 miscarriages), and low progesterone is also known to cause postpartum depression (which I suffer from every time I have a baby).  When I asked my OBGyn about checking my hormone levels a year ago she told me that "hormones are just too tricky to test," but she was happy to offer me prescriptions for contraception pills and anti-depressants.  I kindly declined and left feeling stranded once again.  A year has gone by and I have kept on praying, clinging to Sacramental graces (especially the Eucharist), and uniting my suffering with Christ's---all of which has helped me to love Him more and rely on Him more (which I am eternally grateful for!).  But, I finally reached a point about a month ago where I felt God asking me to search for a doctor who might be able to help me find some healing so that I can be a happier wife, mother, and woman again.

So I picked up the phone and called a natural doctor in town, and I learned from his secretary that he specializes in treating women's hormones.  I was overjoyed!  My first appointment with him was so different than all of my other appointments with traditional doctors.  This doctor truly listened and shared a wealth of wisdom with me.  He asked me to explain all my symptoms, and then he looked at my medical history and family history thoroughly.  He immediately suspected low progesterone and had my hormones tested that same day!  He explained all the different ways to test hormones, and he said that reading the results is easy for doctors who understand the normal fluctuations in a woman's cycle to determine the correct range that her hormones should be in (I am baffled why my OBGyn was unable or unwilling to do this!?!?).  The next week the results came back:  my progesterone was slightly low (surprise, surprise)!  Therefore, he put me on a bio-identical progesterone cream that should help balance my hormones (and moods!) tremendously.  He said that low progesterone results in estrogen dominance which can lead to all the symptoms I had mentioned, and ultimately it can lead to fibroid uterine tumors and a complete hysterectomy, which is exactly what happened to my mom and all of her sisters.  I was so relieved to know that balancing my hormones now might help me to avoid a hysterectomy in the future!

The other huge thing that the natural doctor honed in on is the fact that I have 3 blood clotting disorders:  MTHFR (which stands for methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase), Factor V, and Prothrombin.  He immediately wanted to discuss the first one on that list (MTHFR) and it's possible connection to the symptoms I've been having.  He explained that people who have MTHFR have an inability to process folate and folic acid (folic acid is the synthetic form or folate) and this causes all sorts of negative side effects (miscarriages, blood clots, high blood pressure, anxiety, depression, etc).  I explained to the doctor that ever since I got diagnosed with my 3 blood clotting disorders I was told by my OBGyn to take mega-doses of folic acid and the B-vitamins, as well as taking a baby aspirin, which should help to prevent future miscarriages (the reason I got tested for these clotting disorders was because I just had my 3rd miscarriage).  Here's the kicker...  The natural doctor went on to explain that those high doses of folic acid that I've been taking are probably a huge part of the problems I am having!  Apparently, people with MTHFR have trouble processing folate and they have an even harder time processing folic acid because it is synthetic and is not the "activated" form that our bodies really need.  The human body has to convert folic acid into folate in order to use it.  But if you have MTHFR, your body can't convert the synthetic folic acid and it builds up in your system causing things like:  anxiety, depression, hormonal imbalance, thyroid problems, cancer...and the list goes on and on and on!  I never knew there was a difference between folate and folic acid (and the sad thing is that most doctors don't understand the difference which is why my OB has inadvertently been telling me to take mego-doses of something that is bad for my body!!!).  However, all the research shows that there is a HUGE difference between folic acid and folate, and for people who have MTHFR, the difference can be devastating.  What makes it even more devastating is that since 1998, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has been requiring food manufacturers to ADD folic acid to all grain products, such as cereal, bread, flour, and pasta.  It has also been added to almost all multi-vitamins on the market.  Basically, folic acid has been marketed as a "good" thing by using the terms "enriched" and "fortified" on the label, when it really is un-natural and bad for our bodies, especially people with MTHFR (which happens to be over 60% of the population!)  Grrrrr!

So, to make a long story a bit shorter, folic acid is a big NO-NO for me and I now have to avoid it as much as possible.  Yes, that means a nearly gluten-free diet...YIKES!!!  The natural doctor told me to take natural activated folate supplements (L-5-Methyltetrahydrofolate) instead of the folic acid supplements I was taking, and to eat as much folate-rich foods as possible:  spinach, lentils, asparagus, beans, broccoli, citrus fruits, avocado, nuts,  etc.  He also recommended a natural supplement of 5-HTP (5-Hydroxytryptophan), which is a chemical by-product of the protein building block L-tryptophan.  Yes, tryptophan is the stuff in turkeys that gives you the sleepy-happy feeling after the Thanksgiving meal... :)  Apparently, it also helps people with anxiety and depression by naturally triggering the production of serotonin.  Heck, if it's like having a tasty Thanksgiving meal every day, it's worth a try!

Perhaps learning about my low progesterone and my MTHFR disorder are two very important pieces to my "happiness puzzle."  Perhaps there are other missing pieces that I still need to discover.  And perhaps it's simply God's will for me to have a little bit of suffering in this world to help me grow closer to His Sacred and Suffering Heart.  If the latter is the case, I will strive to embrace His Divine Will joyfully, but in the meantime, I am very grateful that God has guided me to this natural doctor who may help me find some healing and happiness on this side of heaven.  My motto will continue to be:  "Jesus, I trust in You!!!"  :)

There are so many great articles I stumbled across while researching my MTHFR disorder.  If you have MTHFR and would like to read more about it, here are a couple of my favorite websites:

http://www.freshideamama.com/mthfr-since-40-60-of-the-population-has-this-condition-and-it-is-the-underlying-cause-for-many-chronic-illnesses-shouldnt-we-all-be-getting-tested

http://www.mthfrsupport.com/mthfr-facts/

http://mthfrliving.com/health-tips/mthfr-avoid-folic-acid-in-food/

  

Worst Lent Ever?

If I dared to be honest about my Lenten journey this year, I would have to say it was perhaps my worst Lent ever.  All the lofty goals and sacrifices I planned to accomplish failed almost entirely.  The busy-ness of our boys' schedules, trying to sell our home, looking for a new home, and just getting the daily chores done caused me to lose focus on prayer and penance and praise.  I have spent the last 37 days crying a lot, walking in darkness, and failing to see the light.  I am ashamed of myself for being such a wimp.  I wish I could start Lent all over again...  However, I find great consolation in the fact that Lent is about mercy, about Jesus' love for little souls who know that they are BIG sinners.  That's me!  Therefore, I have much to be thankful for this Lent.  I have a God who loves me even when I biff it big time---especially when I biff it---because that is the very reason He sent His Son.  This Lent I was reminded that I am a selfish, cowardly sinner very much in need of a Savior.  And thankfully I've got the most loving, merciful, and patient Savior Who forgives me again and again, and Who gives me His heart at every Mass in the Eucharist to fill me with all the graces I need to begin again.  Yes, this Lent I learned to trust in God's mercy.  So perhaps this wasn't the worst Lent ever, but rather, one of the best.

Encouraging words about "Mercy" found in St. Faustina's Diary, one of my greatest treasures:

“Let the greatest sinners place their trust in My mercy. They have the right before others to trust in the abyss of My mercy. My daughter, write about My mercy towards tormented souls. Souls that make an appeal to My mercy delight Me. To such souls I grant even more graces than they ask. I cannot punish even the greatest sinner if he makes an appeal to My compassion, but on the contrary, I justify him in My unfathomable and inscrutable mercy. Write: before I come as a just judge, I first open wide the door of My mercy. He who refuses to pass through the door of My mercy must pass through the door of My justice…” (Jesus spoke these words to St. Faustina; Diary entry #1146)

” There is no misery that could be a match for My mercy, neither will misery exhaust it, because as it is being granted-it increases. The soul that trusts in My mercy is most fortunate, because I  myself take care of it.” (Jesus spoke these words to St. Faustina; Diary entry #1273)

the lowest place

To be blatantly honest, I have been struggling this week, crying myself to sleep more than once.  And I think I've figured out the problem:  a combination of a lack of humility and a desire to be fulfilled by something other than God.  So as I've been pondering my lack of humility, I was reminded of a book I read many years ago, a book so simple, yet truly profound in its insights into the spiritual life. The book is called "Hinds Feet on High Places," by Hannah Hurnard. It is certainly on my top 5 books that I've ever read, and I highly recommend it, especially if you are going through "a desert" or "valley" and you're longing to reach the "high places" of joy and peace that the Lord wants you to have. The book is about a young girl named Much-Afraid who is crippled, but longs to be healed and to be able to scale the high mountains. The Shepherd takes her on a difficult journey to teach her to overcome her fears. Anyway, even though it's been 10 years or more since I've read the book, God brought to my memory a scene from the book that I believe He wanted me to meditate on to help me learn what humility looks like--that it is actually a joyful, beautiful thing. Allow me to share a portion of the book with you... Perhaps God will whisper something to your heart through these words too:

...they came to a place where a rushing stream poured itself across the path they were following and went cascading down the other side. It was running so swiftly and singing so loudly that it seemed to fill the valley around them with its laughing voice.

As the Shepherd lifted Much-Afraid across the slippery, wet stones she said to him, "I do wish I knew what it is that all the running water sings... It sounds so happy and so eager, as though it were repeating to itself over and over again some very lovely, secret message... Tell me, Shepherd, do you know what all the waters sing as they hurry on their way?"

The Shepherd smiled again, and they stood silently for a few moments by the little torrent, which seemed to shout even more loudly and exultantly as though it knew they had paused to listen. Suddenly, as Much-Afraid stood beside the Shepherd it seemed as though her ears and her understanding were open, and bit by bit, the water language became clear. It is, of course, impossible to write it in water-language, but this is the best I can do to translate it. Of course it is a very poor effort, for though a water song perhaps may be set to music, words are quite a different matter. But it went something like this:

Come, oh come! let us away--

Lower, lower every day,

Oh, what joy it is to race

Down to find the lowest place.

This is the dearest law we know--

It is happy to go low.

Sweetest urge and sweetest will,

Let us go down lower still.

Hear the summons night and day

Calling us to come away.

From the heights we leap and flow

To the valleys down below.

Always answering to the call,

To the lowest place of all.

Sweetest urge and sweetest pain,

To go low and rise again.

"That is very puzzling," said Much-Afraid, after she had listened for a little and found that this was the refrain, repeated over and over again, though with a thousand variations of little trills and murmurs and bubbles and splashing sighs. 'Let us go down lower still,' the water seems to be singing so gladly, because it is hurrying to go down to the lowest place, and yet you are calling me to the Highest Places. What does it mean?"

"The High Places," answered the Shepherd, "are the starting places for the journey down to the lowest place in the world. When you have hinds' feet and can go leaping on the mountains and skipping on the hills, you will be able, as I am, to run down from the heights in the gladdest self-giving and then go up to the mountains again."

Those words really convict my heart of my own selfishness...my desire to be put on a pedestal by my husband, my desire to be liked by everyone, my desire to do everything perfect, my desire to look good and together all the time, my desire for me-time, my desire for a nicer house, nicer kids, nicer marriage, nicer everything. All of those desires are completely self-centered instead of other-centered or Christ-centered. Instead of wanting to be on a pedestal that I don't deserve, I should want to be in the lowest places, serving others unnoticed for no glory other than pleasing the heart of Jesus. "Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like Yours!" How contrary the joyful "Water Song" is to the selfish messages this world screams in our ears. How I long to find the joy in being little, being low, being humble--in serving rather than being served. Will you please pray that I can learn this lesson of humility, that my life can be like a cascading stream that serves life-giving water and joy to those who cross my path?  As opposed to the selfish sponge that I've been lately...ugh...when will I ever learn!?

 "Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like Yours!"