So, after watching the new Star Wars VII at the theater, our family decided that we should watch the whole series in order. A generous friend of mine lent us all of them and my family has been having so much fun watching them over the past few weeks.
The other night, however, as we were watching another Star Wars episode, I was watching with a heavy heart, a fearful heart, you might even say a "dark" heart. The previous day was a tough one for me. It would be complicated to explain it all, but it was one of those days when little failures added up, and old insecurities reared their ugly heads, and I listened to Satan's lies and slowly felt choked with defeat by the end of the day. So as I sat watching Star Wars the next night and heard wise old Yoda say the famous words,
"Fear is the path to the dark side of the force," I pondered how the downward spiral of the previous day truly
had started with fear... Fear of not being liked by others, fear of failing at being the wife/mother/friend/Christian that I want to be, fear of disappointing God, fear of being hurt again by those I love most. I saw how those seeds of fear sprouted other negative thoughts and feelings---such as shame... I was ashamed of myself for not handling the events of the day better, ashamed of being so weak, ashamed of being so emotional, ashamed of blaming my husband for not loving me the way I selfishly want to be loved.
How interesting it was to look back on the events of that day and see how such small disappointments led me on a downward spiral of fear, which led to shame, which landed me with a thud of despair at the bottom of the spiral staircase in my heart. That night I wept a lot and slept a very little, and I woke up the next morning with puffy eyes and a heavy soul. Thankfully, I knew of a good cure for both:
make-up and Confession :) So I left my husband with the kids and ran to the arms of Mercy. The faucet of tears opened up again in the confessional, but I felt the graces soaking into my soul soon afterwards.
My gratitude for Jesus' indulgent mercy has simply overwhelmed my heart in the past year. I am so embarrassed how I took His mercy for granted all these years...perhaps because I didn't realize how desperately I needed it until recently... But now I'm just in awe of how much He loves us, and how His death on the cross redeems every single sin (big or little) for every single one of us if we believe it. Oh boy I believe it now more than I ever did--even more than when I was "on-fire" for the Lord back in high school, and how I wish I could share this new-found beauty of His mercy with every soul in the world! But there I go, digressing from my story... :)
It seems clear to me now that the events of that day of darkness in my soul was Spiritual Warfare--or, in Star Wars lingo, "the dark side of the force vs. the light." Please bear with me as I take that fictional analogy a little bit further. I know that Star Wars is not a complete metaphor for true Catholic teaching on spiritual warfare, but it does show on the surface level the battle between good and evil, and how the dark side (Satan, the father of lies) is always trying to pull us away from the light side (Christ, the Prince of Peace) through fear and confusion. Another great Yoda-ism that seems true in Catholic spirituality is that
"the dark side clouds everything" (but only if we let it).
If we are gullible enough to listen to Satan's crafty lies, he confuses us, he clouds our souls of the Truth, and that's when the fear creeps in. Fear steals our peace, and Satan knows just the right buttons to push to tempt us to walk down that path of fear. For me, it is a fear of failing, a fear of feeling unloved, a fear of displeasing God. And Satan pushed those buttons and won quite a few battles in my soul that day, which led me on a path toward the dark side for a brief (but scary) period of time.
But thankfully, Christ--"my only hope" (another Star Wars pun)--came through with His bright light of Mercy once I confessed my fears and failures. And He gently reminded me to "be not afraid" of my failures. He knows I am weak; He loves me just the way I am; He delights in forgiving me; and "His strength is made perfect in my weakness" (2 Cor. 12:9). He also reminded me of another very important Truth that I am just beginning to grasp even after all these years of being a Christian:
That once I confess my sins, I do not need to beat myself up about them anymore because, guess what?---THEY'RE GONE! I have this unhealthy habit of condemning myself for days for my failures, for losing so many spiritual battles, for letting Jesus down (again)... rather than simply rejoicing in the fact that Jesus' mercy washed all those sins away! He is not disappointed in me if I lose a few battles here and there---because, if I ask Him to,
His grace will win the war! Scripture says, "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ" (Romans 8:1), so I need to stop condemning myself, let go of my shame, and confidently trust in Christ's merciful love! If I continue to feel ashamed, then it is as if I am telling Christ that I don't believe that He fully forgave me, that His grace is not quite enough to cleanse me, that His death on the cross was not sufficient to save me.
Nothing could be further from the truth! So, instead,
I need to TRUST that when I confess my sins, they are gone, and allow the shame to be replaced with THANKSGIVING and PRAISE! Nothing pleases Jesus' more than when we trust Him to rescue us from the dark side each time we stray onto its path. And nothing pleases
me more than to accept this undeserved and unfathomable gift of mercy and strive to share it with others! It's a win-win for both of us :) God is so good!
And just in case you don't believe me about how much Jesus loves to rescue us from the dark side with His mercy, here are a few quotes directly from His mouth to St. Faustina:
- "My compassionate and loving Heart is inflamed with an intense longing for the salvation of souls. When they turn to Me, I can hardly restrain My joy, and I rush forth to meet them."
- "My heart finds joy in forgiveness. I have no greater desire nor happiness than to be able to forgive."
- "Tell the world about My Mercy and My Love. I am consumed with a desire to pour out My Mercy on human souls. O, how they hurt Me when they refuse My Mercy."
