9 minutes that will stretch your heart

I came across this amazing "true love" story on Ann Voskamp's blog.  It was just what my shallow heart needed to see.  It humbles me to admit that marriage is hard for me.  In other words, I'm not very good at it because I have carried in my heart a very selfish definition of what love is.  The Gospel gives us the correct definition, of course, but it has always been hard for me to convert that self-sacrificial definition of  love into my marriage.  Perhaps I watched a few too many sappy romance movies over the years when I should have been reading my Bible instead!  :)  But anyway, this story of marriage lives out the Gospel definition of love more beautifully than I've ever seen...it is definitely worth the 9 minutes!

kisses from Jesus

Last week I felt like I was in total darkness...fighting to think holy and charitable thoughts, struggling to control my mood, and shedding a lot of tears.  I am still in the process of trying to find out what is causing these severe mood swings, and I think I'm getting closer to finding some answers, but it is taking longer than I had hoped...  I'd sure be grateful for your prayers as I walk on this long and lonely road, that I may soon find healing, peace, and joy again.  Pray for my poor husband and kids too, who have to deal with me on a daily basis!  :}  The Lord has been so merciful and patient with me, and during this past week of darkness He had me stumble upon a passage from the book I am reading that really consoled my heart (and made me weep--imagine that!) :)  I thought I'd share this passage in case it encourages your soul too.  It is taken from a book I highly recommend called "33 Days to Morning Glory" by Fr. Michael Gaitley, and in this excerpt Fr. Gaitley is reflecting upon the life and writings of Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta:

From the beginning of creating her new religious order, Mother Teresa began to experience "such terrible darkness" in her soul "as if everything were dead."  At times, it seemed unbearable, and she frequently found herself on the brink of despair.  In 1961, she received a light in the darkness.  After a conversation with a holy priest, she realized that her painful longing was actually a share in the thirst of Jesus.  She said, "For the first time in this 11 years, I have come to love the darkness.  For I believe now that it is a part, a very, very, small part of Jesus' darkness and pain on earth."  Teresa's experience of darkness and painful longing continued to the end of her life.  She found strength to persevere because she realized that the darkness was actually a mysterious link that united her to the Heart of Jesus.  What about us?  Do we yet realize the mysterious link between the darkness we sometimes experience in our own lives and that of the Lord's suffering?  Let us ponder Mother Teresa's words on suffering that come from her own experience and so, like her, become better lovers of the Heart of Jesus:

"Suffering has to come because if you look at the cross, he has got his head bending down--he wants to kiss you--and he has both hands open wide--he wants to embrace you.  He has his heart opened wide to receive you.  Then when you feel miserable inside, look at the cross and you will know what is happening.  Suffering, pain, sorrow, humiliation, feelings of loneliness, are nothing less than the kiss of Jesus, a sign that you have come so close that he can kiss you....I once told this to a lady who was suffering very much.  She answered, "Tell Jesus not to kiss me, to stop kissing me."  Suffering has to come, though, that suffering that came in the life of Our Lady, that came in the life of Jesus--it has to come in our life too.  Only never put on a long face.  Suffering is a gift from God.  It is between you and Jesus alone inside..."
  
"...Be careful of all that can block that personal contact with the living Jesus.  The Devil may try to use the hurts of life, and sometimes our own mistakes--to make you feel it is impossible that Jesus really loves you, is really cleaving to you.  This is a danger for all of us.  And so sad, because it is completely opposite of what Jesus is really wanting, waiting to tell you.  Not only that He loves you, but even more--He longs for you.  He thirsts for you.  He loves you always, even when you don't feel worthy.  When not accepted by others, even by yourself sometimes.  He is the one who always accepts you.  My children, you don't have to be different for Jesus to love you.  Only believe--you are precious to Him.  Bring all you are suffering to His feet--only open your heart to be loved by Him as you are.  He will do the rest."

The Best (or second best) Day of Dominic's Life

On Sunday our delightful Dominic received his precious Savior in 1st Holy Communion.  Dominic's soul was so prepared, and he was all aglow for days leading up to the special event.  In trying to prepare Dominic for how special it is to receive the body and blood of our God into our own humble bodies, I told him that receiving 1st Communion would be the most special day of his life...  However, he quickly corrected me and said, "Wouldn't that have been the day I was baptized, mom?"  Sheesh...I guess this kid is well catechized!  Dominic was so giddy the morning of his 1st Communion that it was hard to keep him from bouncing up and down when we arrived at the Cathedral. How I wish we adults kept that same zeal in our hearts for Jesus as we prepare to receive Him each week!

What made Dominic's day even more grace-filled was that it landed on the Feast of Divine Mercy.  Jesus appeared to St. Faustina countless times and expressed over and over again how much He loves us and is longing to give His mercy and graces to anyone who asks for them and trusts in Him.  For example, here are some of Jesus' words written in Faustina's diary:

"My daughter, tell the whole world about My Inconceivable mercy. I desire that the Feast of Mercy be a refuge and shelter for all souls, and especially for poor sinners. On that day the very depths of My tender mercy are open. I pour out a whole ocean of graces upon those souls who approach the fount of My mercy.The soul that will go to Confession and receive Holy Communion shall obtain complete forgiveness of sins and punishment.On that day all the divine floodgates through which grace flow are opened. Let no soul fear to draw near to Me, even though its sins be as scarlet. My mercy is so great that no mind, be it of man or of angel, will be able to fathom it throughout all eternity. Everything that exists has come forth from the very depths of My most tender mercy. Every soul in its relation to Me will contemplate My love and mercy throughout eternity. The Feast of Mercy emerged from My very depths of tenderness. It is My desire that it be solemnly celebrated on the first Sunday after Easter. Mankind will not have peace until it turns to the Fount of My Mercy.

What a beautiful, grace-filled day for Dominic, and a great reminder for the rest of us to receive Jesus in the Eucharist with child-like joy and to ask for Jesus' mercy with childlike trust.

Proud momma and daddy with Dominic.

Dominic is proud of the new Bible he received from Grandma Theresa and Grandpa Pat.

Dominic with Deacon Bob and his 1st Communion Class

Dominic with his friend Grace :)

Dominic, may you always remain close to the Holy Family,

and especially to the Sacred Heart of Jesus who you received for the 1st time today!

Michael turns TWELVE!

Our Michael turned 12 this month!  At first he was bummed that his birthday landed on Good Friday this year because it meant:  no cake, no soda, no meat-lover's pizza, no fun.  Like good Catholic parents we told him to "offer it up" and unite his suffering with Jesus' :}  But, we made it up to him by celebrating the following Friday instead.  I can tell he is maturing from a boisterous boy into a young man because he chose not to have a big party with his entire class this year.  He just wanted two of his best buddies to come bowling with him and then go out for dinner at a fun restaurant.  What a joy it was to watch those boys bond and have a blast together!

I think the photos will tell the rest of the story... :)

Michael with his buddies Greyson and Jared,

and, of course, his big brother and best friend, Joseph

Pretty good form, Cabrera...

STRIKE!  Can you tell that this boy is competitive?

Michael and his buddies at the new Japanese Sushi and Hibachi Grill

We had a fun waiter named "How" who made the night a blast...

LITERALLY, a blast!

The birthday boy catching the broccoli that the waiter chucked at him.

Michael was a bit mortified when a group of waiters came ringing a gong

and singing "Happy Birthday" to him with a dish of ice cream.

He's giving me the look, "thanks a lot, mom!"

Then the boys came home to play some Wii football games.

The perfect end to a perfect day for Michael.

Dear Michael,
Oh how I still love your chocolate brown eyes and your face filled with freckles! I remember so well falling in love with you at the hospital with your peach-fuzzy red hair and your premie-cherub face. You were zealous even in my womb as you decided to introduce yourself to the world nearly a month early--the night your daddy flew home from Iraq to be exact.  You were tiny, but definitely made your presence known...  How vividly I remember your colicky, blood-curdling crying phase that seemed to last the entire first year of your life.  You always wanted to be held as a baby, and I'm thankful that you still let me snuggle with you from time to time when I come into your room to bless you at night :)  But it's clear to see that you are no longer my sweet baby boy, but rather a handsome, holy young man with a gentle, but passionate, heart.  You are such an awesome big brother, and I hope you never grow out of your love for playing with the little ones.  May you never be too cool to be a cool big brother.  I know sometimes you worry that you're going to be small forever compared to kids your age, but just remember that what really matters is the size of your heart.  And I can tell you that your heart is SUPER-SIZED, which makes me so proud of you!  Michael, Michael, Michael, you are our son who loves all things sports, and I pray that God will channel your competitive nature in ways that will always glorify Him.  I do wonder what you will be when you grow up...the next Miguel Cabrera in MLB, or a zeal-filled priest winning souls for Christ, or perhaps a brilliant and crazy teacher like Mr. Greaney who you admire so much???  Whatever you choose to be, I hope it helps you grow closer to Christ and helps you quench His thirst for souls.  That's all that matters in this world:  getting to heaven and getting others there too.  I love you so much and it has been such a privilege to be your mom and to watch you grow into who God is calling you to be.  I will cover you in prayer always, especially asking for the intercession of your patron, St, Michael, because you need all the protection you can get!  :)

Love, 
Mom

Alleluia! He Has Risen!!!

My husband commented the other day that the better his Lenten season is, the better his Easter celebration seems to be, and I think he is right.  The more we pray and sacrifice and meditate on Christ's passion and God's unfathomable love for us, the more we are able to fully embrace that love on Easter.  Whereas, when we slack off during Lent by constantly breaking our chosen sacrifices and being lukewarm in our prayer life, then Easter just doesn't have the same joy.

This Lent was a difficult but very good Lent for me.  I sacrificed 3 of the things I like most in this world:  coffee, wine, and sleep.  I did not sacrifice perfectly, but I trusted in God's mercy when I blew it, and tried to carry on with increased discipline and zeal.  I was proud of our kiddos for the sacrifices they made too...Dominic bravely gave up soda, Joseph and Michael gave up dessert, and they all gave up electronics.

Easter day was delightful this year.  It began with our traditional in-door egg hunt of all the eggs we had decorated.  That was followed by Mass at the Cathedral, which feels extra special because the bishop celebrates the Mass at Easter.  Our oldest son Joseph was an altar server too, which sure made me proud :)  After Mass, we came home to get the Easter meal ready.  Some of our dearest friends came to feast with us:  Glen and Lisa with their 5 girls and 1 boy, and my friend Jennifer with her son, Alex (unfortunately Derek and Sarah couldn't come because Sarah was sick).  The food was marvelous, the fellowship even better.  We are blessed with such holy and awesome friends that it makes being away from family bearable.  After the meal, we usually go have an outdoor egg hunt at a nearby lake, but this year it was cold and SNOWING all day!  So, we just had a quick egg hunt in the back yard instead.  The rest of the day was spent gorging on Easter candy, coffee, and beer (just Paul and I on the latter two), and playing excessive amounts of video games (just the kids on that last one).  :)

I hope that each of you had a wonderful (it truly is a wonder how much God loves us!) Easter celebration too!

The rest of our Easter story can be summed up in photos...

This is our tasty and teachable "Crown of Thorns" bread that we make every Good Friday.

As the kids place "thorns" into the crown, they recall particular sins that truly hurt Jesus and they say how sorry they are.  Then as they remove the thorns to eat them, they recall all the sacrifices of love that they made for Jesus during Lent to help relieve Jesus' suffering and console His heart.  We had the bread with some tomato soup, to remind us of the blood that Jesus shed during his passion.  

I was so pleased that my oldest 2 boys still wanted to participate in the egg decorating.

I did bribe them slightly by offering 3 chocolate prizes for:

1) the most religious theme  2) the most creative/unique  3) the most artistic/well-done

Nathanael showing off his Jesus egg

All of the eggs turned out beautiful except one:

The farthest egg has a picture of "the Eye of Sauron",

which was decorated by Joseph who is enamored with "Lord of the Rings."

Certainly not a very Easter-ish theme, but I do give him credit for creativity. :}

I had fun making these Bird Nest cookies again this year,

a reminder of Springtime and the New Life we have in Christ.

This picture looks almost perfect, but the funny part is that I took over 10 pictures of the boys and not one of them turned out without someone blinking or looking goofy.  So, like the perfectionist that I am, I spent an hour Photo-shopping the best face of each boy into one good picture!

Here's an example of one of the goofy ones :)

I took many pictures of Glen and Lisa's family, 

and the funny part is that every single one of them turned out perfectly (unlike ours).

Their kids are all smiling sweetly and looking at the camera in every shot.

I didn't have to do any Photo-shopping at all!

I guess that's proof that there's a difference between boys and girls :)

Paul is now going with the trendy shaved-head look,

and I am trying like crazy to grow my hair out again. 

It is finally long enough for me to curl it and to put it in a teeny-tiny ponytail again!

 I don't think I will ever cut my hair short again, 

and poor Paul doesn't think he'll ever be able to grow his long again :}

Me with two of my best girlfriends:  Lisa and Jennifer

The Catholic couples :)

We have great hopes of arranging Catholic marriages of their 5 daughters with our 5 sons...

that is unless they all chose the religious life! :)

This year the big boys (Joseph, Michael, and their buddy Alex) decided they were "too big" for hunting for eggs, so they became the egg hiders.

Notice the snow in the photo?

Only in Montana do we have Easter egg hunting in the snow!

Michael took his egg hiding job seriously and wanted to make it a challenge :)

My friend Jennifer is so great with little kids and she helped Isaiah have a blast at his first egg hunt!

Michael also offered to help Isaiah find eggs,

hoping that Isaiah might share some candy perhaps?

Here is Michael helping a damsel in distress who couldn't quite reach the eggs at the top of our swingset.  What a gentleman.

Nathanael showing off his loot.

Resurrection rolls are one of our favorite Easter traditions.

Each step in the process beautifully (and deliciously) explains the Easter story.

You can Google how to make these or click on this link.

ALLELUIA!!!  

He has risen and we are saved from our sins!!!

Heavenly Consolations

Since Nadine's death, I have been vigilant about praying for her soul.  Like a good Catholic I guess, I have a healthy fear of purgatory  :)  Don't get me wrong, I love purgatory, and I hope to make it there someday so that I can be purified and then see God face to face with a perfectly clean heart.  But the purification part scares me and I don't want anyone that I love to have to suffer any longer than necessary, so I feel called to pray and offer Masses for them, just like I hope others will pray like crazy for me when I die (I hope they pray for years...I might be there awhile!)  :}  I love that the Lord lets us pray for departed souls and participate in sending them extra graces, but it frustrates me that we won't ever know when to stop praying and offering Masses.  Couldn't God in His omniscience send us a text when our loved ones are finally in His embrace?  Well, I think sometimes he does...not through a text message, but through events beyond coincidence...

A couple of weeks after Nadine's death I went to confession.  I had a myriad of things to confess, one of which was a feeling of guilt for not spending more time with Nadine--I could sense in my heart that I had been selfish with my own time when I could have been much more charitable and made time for such a special little girl who needed to feel affirmed and loved.  Anyway, after my lengthy confession was over, Fr. John gave me advice on many things that I mentioned in my confession, but nothing regarding Nadine.  Then, he gave me my penance:  "Read and meditate on Psalm 103..."  My eyes grew wide and I asked him to clarify..."Did you say Psalm 103?"  "Yes," he replied, looking puzzled at my reaction.  Then I told him that Psalm 103 was the Responsorial Psalm that I was asked to read at Nadine's Vigil ceremony.  The priest just smiled, and I left the confessional both bewildered and consoled somehow.  What could this mean?  I mentioned what happened to my mom on the phone a few days later.  Her immediate reaction was something like this: "Maria, I think that was God's way of letting you know Nadine is in Heaven and you can stop worrying."  It just seemed too good to be true, so then I shared the story with my wise Spiritual Director, and he confidently said something like this:  "That was absolutely a signal grace."  (So then I had to ask him what a signal grace was...)  And he explained that signal graces are signs sent by God that are clearly beyond coincidence, given to console our hearts and answer a specific prayer that we have asked.  Well, my heart was absolutely consoled.  Thank you, God, for sending heavenly consolations to this anxious and scrupulous soul who needs them so!  :)

When I shared this story with Nadine's mom yesterday.  She, too, was consoled and then shared with me that God had sent her a heavenly consolation too.  Cheri had been begging for a sign to know with certainty that her daughter was safely with the Trinity.  Wild-at-heart Nadine loved wildflowers and every year she would get giddy with delight when she saw the very first buttercups blossom in the Spring.  Well, shortly after Nadine's death, Cheri walked outside their house, which is located up in the mountains near our local ski hill, and there she found 3 perfect buttercups blossoming before her eyes, which had not been there the day before.  Three buttercups...Father, Son, and Holy Spirit embracing sweet Nadine.  How great is our God!  A God who sends us consolations that some would merely call coincidences.  Christians know that there truly is no such thing as coincidences, for everything passes through the hands of our infinitely loving Father.  :)

P.S.  Call me a crazy Catholic, but I will probably continue to pray for Nadine's soul because I'm overly scrupulous and I care about her too much not to do so.  In my heart, I have a feeling that she is running through heavenly buttercups already, but I trust that if she no longer needs my prayers, God will kindly use them for another soul in need.