Recalling some St. Therese miracles on my trip to Medjugorje

"God would not make me wish for something impossible and so, in spite of my littleness, I can aim at being a saint. It is impossible for me to grow bigger, so I put up with myself as I am, with all my countless faults. But I will look for some means of going to heaven by a little way which is very short and very straight, a little way that is quite new. . . .  It is your arms, Jesus, which are the lift to carry me to heaven!  And so there is no need for me to grow up. In fact, just the opposite: I must stay little and become less and less."   

St. Therese, the Little Flower

St. Therese is so humble that I'm sure she would not wish to be honored on a feast day, but she would want God to be honored and for others to find a way to grow closer to the God she loved so very much---and that is what her feast day is all about.  Her feast day points people to her "Little Way"--a way that everyone can use to become a saint!  I am so grateful that she taught us this way to holiness, because lately I feel so small, so little, so sinful, so insecure, and so incapable of succeeding at all the things I wished I would be great at:  marriage, motherhood, holiness, leading others to holiness...  But, Therese's words remind me that God loves my littleness; His mercy covers my sins; He will carry me to heaven because He knows I am too weak to get there myself.   What a relief!  :)  Thank you, God.  St. Therese, pray for us to walk confidently in your Little Way!

It also seems fitting to share some St. Therese "miracles" that happened to me in Medjugorje back in June of 2015.  Like many other Catholics, I have a tender devotion to Therese and often ask for her intercession when I have an important prayer request.  So, when Paul and I went to Medjugorje, I wanted to pray a novena to St. Therese and ask her to pray for us on our pilgrimage.  Specifically, I asked for her to pray that our pilgrimage would help Paul and I receive the graces we needed to grow in holiness and to find healing and joy in our marriage.  

The day Paul and I arrived in Medjugorje, we found out that we would be staying at a little hotel called "The Two Hearts" (referring to the two Hearts of Jesus and Mary).  I was slightly disappointed, because we had been told there was a chance that we would be staying at the visionary Marjana's house, but I tried to offer up my disappointment and embrace what God had given me :}  We were handed our room key, but when we unlocked the door to our room, we saw that someone else already had their luggage in that room, so we headed back to get a different room key.  When we walked into the second room that was given to us, a huge smile spread across my face, because the only thing in the room, aside from 2 single beds and a crucifix, was a picture of St. Therese.  I was sure this was a little gift from God, and that He was assuring me at the start of our pilgrimage that Therese would be with us, interceding for us during our stay in Medjugorje.  It was my first little Medjugorje miracle!  :)

The second little St. Therese miracle occurred 6 days into our pilgrimage.  We were told that we would have to leave the Two Hearts Hotel to make room for a larger pilgrimage group that was arriving. The up-side, however, was that we were given the honor of moving to the visionary Jakov's house to stay for the remainder of our pilgrimage!!!  I was thrilled!  But there was a part of my heart that was sad to leave our old room because I really liked the consolation of St. Therese's picture and the reminder that she was praying for us.  But again, I tried to offer up my disappointment and embrace what God had given me.  So we headed to Jakov's house and were given our new room key.  We walk in the door, and again, a smile spread across my face.  This time, there was no picture of St. Therese on the wall, but I clearly felt her presence when I saw what was in the room:  2 single beds, a crucifix, and a rose-covered chair with Carmelite brown curtains behind it :)  God is so good to me!  :)

Aside from "being showered with roses" in our two hotel rooms, I felt the Little Flower's presence everywhere I went in Medjugorje.  Paul and I prayed our Therese novena every day, and the words to the novena guided our hearts towards her "Little Way," teaching us to offer up our littleness, our weaknesses, our sins, our sufferings, our disappointments to God with joy (that's the hard part), trusting with Therese-like confidence that He will transform those offerings into something fruitful.  I constantly felt St. Therese whispering in my heart:  "Maria, it is OK to be little and not accomplish the great things you had hoped to do for God...your little acts of love and small sacrifices are just as pleasing to God as great big deeds for His glory."  "It is OK to be a big failure because God's mercy is bigger than your mistakes (oh and by the way, God's mercy is big enough to cover your husband's mistakes too!) :}" And throughout the entire pilgrimage, Therese kept guiding my eyes to find the littlest flowers on the paths that we tread, beautiful, hidden weeds that no one else would notice, to remind me to embrace my littleness.  One tiny flowering weed offered to God with a heart full of love is worth more than an offering of grand, gorgeous roses.   All around me I saw pilgrims placing huge expensive bouquets of flowers at the feet of the statues of Mary, but all I had to offer Our Lady was a small handful of tiny, beautiful weeds.  And Therese whispered to me, "It is a beautiful offering--YOU are a beautiful offering, because you are filled love."  God gave me so many opportunities to offer up little flowers of love and sacrifice to Him on our pilgrimage.  Some of the opportunities I embraced, others I did not, but I was at least learning to see them as opportunities.  Even the failed opportunities I could offer to God!  The Little Flower was gently teaching me her Little Way every day that I was there. 

And then my third St. Therese miracle happened when I got home from Medjugorje.  At the end of a St. Therese novena, it is not uncommon for Therese to send a rose from heaven to reassure you that she heard your prayers and interceded for you.  In fact, right before she died, she told her fellow nuns that "she would spend her heaven doing good upon the earth and let fall a shower of roses."  So, on the last day our novena, I went to the adoration chapel in my parents' town to pray for an hour.  I walked into the chapel and immediately saw a statue of St. Therese, and on the floor beneath her, someone had placed a beautiful red rose in a simple glass bowl.  I felt it was my rose sent from heaven.  Therese had heard my prayers, and God had certainly granted the graces that Paul and I needed during our pilgrimage to help us grow in holiness and find healing and joy in my marriage again.  God is so good. St. Therese is so faithful.  I am so grateful!

Paul and I in Medjugorje in 2015---

working on growing closer to each other and to God,

through the intercession of Mary and St. Therese :)

I'm happy to report that 5 years later our marriage has never been better!

(and that's another miracle to be sure!) :)

My family and I wish you a happy Feast of St. Therese!

May we all learn to walk the way of "littleness"!!!

St. Therese, pray for us!

Totus Tuus,

~Maria

16 Year Roller Coaster Ride

Today is our 16th year wedding anniversary!

What a crazy ride it has been.

Good thing we both love rollercoasters. :)


Just for fun, here's our engagement photo for you to see how much we've changed in the last 16 years :)

Belated Thanksgiving Note

I hope all of you had a thank-filled and joy-filled Thanksgiving!  To be honest, mine was filled a feast full of sadness and tears, but I still tried to give a litany of thanks in between my crying episodes :}  Ai-ya-yai!  I'm a pathetic mess at this time of year...  Hunting season seems to get harder for me to handle each year, and I  get a bit homesick being so far away from family during these big holiday feasts.  But God always surrounds me with things to be thankful for if I would just wipe the tears away and take a look outside of my selfish-self. 

This morning, for example, I awoke to glittery frost all over the trees and fields around our house...  Each glistening flake is a kiss from God, an "I love you" from Heaven...and He was just waiting for me to notice and say "thank You" or "I love You" in return.  Some days it is harder than others to notice the God-sent gifts around us; some days we simply have to will it, to force ourselves to be grateful because we feel so broken inside, but I think God is pleased with our efforts even when they don't come naturally.  I find hope in the Psalmist's words:  

"He who offers a sacrifice of praise and thanksgiving honors Me."  Psalm 50:23 

Sometimes giving thanks feels like a sacrifice, but it still honors God if we choose to be thankful despite the sadness we might be going through.  Perhaps it even consoles His Heart more when we thank Him through our tears, because it means that we love Him enough to come to Him just as we are (weepy, weak, sinful, and sad), and we trust that He loves us just as we are.  

So anyway, to fit with the Thanksgiving theme, here is our family's top 10 list of gifts that we are thankful for:

1. The Eucharist:  The Greek word “Eucharisteo” literally means “to give thanks.”  That is so fitting because the fact that God loves us so much that He sent His Son to die for our sins and continues to give us Jesus’ life-giving Body and Blood in the Eucharist is certainly something to be thankful for! 
2. Our Marriage:  As most of you who are married know, marriage is hard sometimes. The past few years have been particularly hard for us, but God has taught us so much through the struggles and guided us closer to Him and to each other as we have learned how to love and forgive as God loves and forgives us.  We also learned to never lose hope, because God can bring good out of every circumstance if we trust in Him.  Our marriage received some extra special graces this summer when we took a pilgrimage to Medjugorje, which is a village in Bosnia where the Blessed Virgin Mary has been miraculously appearing every day since 1981, giving messages of peace, conversion, and love.  We hope that as we live those messages, our marriage and our family will grow in holiness and help set the world on fire with love for God. 
3. Joseph:  Joseph is now 14 and we can sure tell that he is a teenager!  He is now taller than his mother, and his hair has become crazy-curly like his father’s (was) J  His favorite activities lately are:  altar serving at Mass, playing his violin, hanging out with his awesome 8^th grade friends from St. Andrew School, fishing with his grandpa, mountain biking, snow skiing, and playing baseball at every possible opportunity—especially pitching!
4. Michael:  Michael is 12 and is excelling in the 7^th grade.  He is our competitive child who is crazy about sports.  He was thrilled to play 2 seasons of baseball this year:  one in Helena, MT and one in Aberdeen, SD (because we spent the summer in SD while getting our house sold in MT).  His teams in Helena AND in Aberdeen won the championship tournaments, which was a boy’s dream come true.  He also enjoys being an altar server, fishing with grandpa, playing chess with dad, playing darts, playing football at recess, snow skiing, and mountain biking.
5. Dominic:  Dominic is 9 and having fun in the 3^rd grade.  He is our sweet and sensitive son with a heart bigger than Montana.  He is mommy’s biggest helper because he plays with his younger brothers so patiently and so well.  He loves school and was thrilled to finally be old enough to join the orchestra this year.  He chose the cello and plays it beautifully already.  He also enjoys baseball, snow skiing, mountain biking, and taking care of the chickens that we acquired at our rental house.
6. Nathanael:  Nathanael just turned 5 and it’s hard to believe that our sweet baby boy with the dimpled chin is now a big boy who goes to preschool, knows his ABCs, and can count to 1000!  He continues to be a complete delight to our family with his sweet and silly temperament and that adorable freckled face.  He is crazy about Legos, Bionicles, magnet blocks, Nerf guns, Wild Kratts, and playing with his brothers.
7. Isaiah:  Isaiah is 2 ½ and keeps us all smiling. He is fully potty-trained, so we no longer have a child in diapers---gasp!  He spends his days playing with jets, trains, and cars, chasing chickens in our yard, and following mommy wherever she goes.
8. Our family and friends:  We are so blessed with extended family that loves us, prays for us, and encourages us from afar.  With no family in Montana, we feel so very blessed to have such supportive friends through our Catholic Church and the boys’ Catholic School.  Our friends and family (both near and far) have been one of life’s biggest blessings as we constantly encourage one another on this often difficult journey towards heaven.
9. Our jobs:  Paul took on a new position within the Federal Aviation Administration this year and he has been enjoying it a lot.  It has provided him with new challenges to conquer, more flexible hours, and less traveling—hurray!  Maria continues to have the best job in the world as a stay-at-home mom.
10. A Soul-Changing Book: Our family is so thankful for a book that is truly expanding our souls and teaching us how to grow closer to Jesus in a profound way.  The book is called Consoling the Heart of Jesus by Fr. Michael Gaitley, and we hope you will put it on your “Must Read” list!  This book teaches anyone how to become a saint (yes, even if you are a weak, sinful soul—which we all are!), and at the same time how to console Jesus’ Heart that is hurt by all the souls who reject His love and mercy.  Through beautiful insights from saints whom Jesus Himself appeared to (such as St. Faustina and St. Margaret Mary Alacoque), the book explains how to console Jesus in surprisingly simple ways, like having confident trust in His mercy when we fail—for that gives Him the joy of being our Savior.  But I hope you will read the book for yourselves to learn even more ways to be consolers of Jesus’ Heart!

Our family hopes that you all have hearts full of “Eucharisteo”—thanksgiving—for all the blessings God has given you, too!  May all of our hearts grow in gratitude this year, and grow closer to Jesus’ Sacred Heart which loves us so much and is thirsting for us to love Him in return.  

As Jesus said in these powerful words when he appeared to St. Margaret Mary Alacoque:

“Behold this Heart, which loves so much, yet is so little loved. 

Do me the kindness then—you, at least—

of consoling my Heart as much as you can.

Yes, let’s console Jesus’ Heart with our love and gratitude as much as we can...

even if it is a sacrifice to do so at times.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Medjugorje: why there?

It is hard for me to know where to begin in sharing about my personal Medjugorje pilgrimage…  So I guess I will just start at the beginning and explain why my husband and I chose to go to Medjugorje at all.  After all, we could have spent a lot less money and went somewhere more tropical and fun like Hawaii, so why did we choose a poor village in the middle of Bosnia to spend our summer vacation?

Well, like I had explained in an earlier post, Paul and I truly believe that Our Lady of Medjugorje is largely responsible for the two of us getting married.  (Here's a quick recap for those who don't know the backstory: My senior year in high school I made my first pilgrimage to Medjugorje, and the biggest prayer intention on my heart was guidance in my vocation.  I was feeling equally drawn to the religious life and to married life, so I asked Our Lady at the top of Mount Krizevek (Cross Mountain) to send me my future husband my first year of college; otherwise, I would pursue religious life and not waste my money finishing college.  And she answered my prayer in a way that only could have been her careful arrangement.  While I was home from college on Christmas break, my brother Steve was visiting with Paul, an old classmate of his, who was in the Navy but home for Christmas break. My brother happened to mention that his little sister (that’s me) recently went on a trip to Medjugorje.  This greatly intrigued Paul, who had recently become very interested in Marian apparitions, so he decided to give me a call.  We arranged to meet at Mass and then go out for bagels to chat about my pilgrimage.   That was the first of many chat sessions…   We dated long-distance for the next 3 years and married in the month dedicated to Mary, May 26, 2000.)

So, ever since our courtship, we dreamed of going to Medjugorje together to thank Our Blessed Mother for bringing us together and to ask for her continued blessings upon our marriage. That's one big reason we decided to go there, but there's more...

I wish the rest of our love story was so simple and sweet, but if I was honest, I would have to say that yes, our marriage has been strewn with sweet roses, but those roses have been covered with painful thorns.  If the two of us did not have our strong Catholic faith, a deep commitment to the marital covenant, and a belief that God and His Blessed Mother had brought us together, there is no way we would still be wearing our wedding rings.  I suppose every marriage has thorns—it’s bound to happen when two sinners choose to live together for life—but my uber-romantic heart never imagined the pain and scars those thorns would cause.  Had I known about the thorns ahead of time, I might have chosen the convent (but I'm sure that would have had thorns of a different kind!).

The past year of our marriage has been particularly hard.  A thorn that I did not expect pierced my heart and I was not sure if our marriage could recover.  I knew we needed Our Lady’s help to find peace and  healing.  Quite frankly, I wanted to quit...to pack my bags and my kids and run away to my mom's house in South Dakota.  But since I knew deep down that God would not approve of that choice, I chose to run into the arms of my "other" Mother in Medjugorje instead.  So, with our thorn-pierced hearts, my husband and I boarded a plane bound for Bosnia.

48 hours later we arrived in Medjugorje—jet-lagged, but filled with expectant hope.  The grace and peace that surrounded us was so tangible that I felt like I could cup it with my hands, put it in a bottle, and bring it back home with me.  A priest once said that "in Medjugorje, it seems as if the veil between heaven and earth is somehow thinner there." The picture below seems to capture that mystery.  I took that photo right before Mary was about to appear, and it was as if the heavens were literally opening up to allow for Our Lady to descend to earth for the apparition.  The thin veil separating heaven and earth truly appeared to part for a few miraculous moments.  I really think that priest was onto something, and perhaps the "thinner veil" is why the graces feel so tangible there.  Perhaps that is also why more graces seem to be able to penetrate the hearts of pilgrims who go there and hear Our Lady's messages, leading so many souls back to God. With Mary appearing every single day since 1981, how could there not be extra graces there?  What a gift from God that has been given to us for so long!  Paul and I felt so blessed to be immersed in those miraculous graces.

So, that is why Paul and I chose Medjugorje----for the graces our marriage needed so desperately.  Did we find the graces and healing there?  Yes.  But, not quite in the way I had expected.  Neither one of us miraculously changed, we didn't see Mary appear to us or any spinning suns, my rosary did not turn gold, and my broken heart was not perfectly healed...but we received the grace of mercy.  Mary softened my heart to forgive my husband; she also showed me the big plank of pride stuck in my eye and that I needed forgiveness too (just as much or more than he!), and thankfully Paul and the Lord were gladly willing to forgive me once I humbled myself enough to ask.    

Mercy has been one of the greatest miracles for pilgrims who come to Medjugorje ever been since the apparitions began.  St. John Paul II called Medjugorje "the confession box of the world," which is an apt description if you ask anyone who has been there.  All day long hundreds of thousands of people from countless countries go to confession in Medjugorje.  Priests spend hours upon hours in the confession boxes---they even sit on chairs all around the church to hear the pilgrims' confessions because there simply aren't enough confession boxes for all the people who want to confess their sins and reconcile their souls with God!  It is a beautiful sight!  And for many Catholics, myself included, confession in Medjugorje is a grace-filled, healing experience, sometimes even the spiritual pinnacle of their pilgrimage.

At least 3 times in the 10 days we were there, I went to the Sacrament of Confession, and each time a miraculous healing took place.  One time in particular, while hiking up Cross Mountain and reciting the Stations of the Cross, a battle of spiritual warfare was taking place inside of me...  My soul became filled with such bitterness, disappointment, even hatred for my husband that it sickened me, scared me, and seriously made me question my salvation. I think Satan was working overtime on my marriage in Medjugorje.  He was ticked off that my husband and I had come to this holy place to seek extra graces from Our Lady to save our marriage.  And so the father of lies began to whisper his crafty lies on that hike up Cross Mountain, and "gullible Maria" was falling for them again.  Thankfully, I could sense the spiritual danger and knew how weak I was at fighting this battle on my own.  So immediately after the hike was over, I asked Fr. Edmond, the holy and humble priest in our tour group, if he would hear my confession.  Praise God he said yes!  We sat right on the front porch steps of the visionary Jakov's house, and I wept and confessed my sins.  Christ's mercy rushed in and the battle quickly changed course.  Satan fled (probably with his tail between his legs) and I was filled with peace.  I loved my husband again---complete, unconditional love like Christ had for me.  I was forgiven and made new, which gave me the grace to forgive and have hope again. Another Medjugorje miracle had taken place!  Praise the Lord for His unending mercy from the cross!

Paul and I with Fr. Edmond

So many graces and miracles took place in our marriage during that 2 week pilgrimage.  We had some really tough days, like the one I mentioned above, when Satan was working hard to prevent Paul and I from embracing the healing graces that Mary was sending us.  But most days were simply filled with peace, love, and joy.  What a joy it was to receive Jesus in the Eucharist daily surrounded by on-fire Catholics, to hike with my husband in the sunshine as we talked and prayed about our future, to be present for the daily apparition and place our intentions and those of our family and friends directly into Our Lady's hands, to eat meals with him without having to cut up anyone else's food into tiny bites, and to simply be together basking in the graces that surrounded us... That's why we chose Medjugorje.  

Will our  marriage still have thorns?  Yes it will (in fact, I can feel a sharp prick of one right now as I type this).  But the graces we received in Medjugorje taught us to focus on the beauty of the blossoms instead, and that if we offer up the thorns to Jesus, His love and mercy can transform them into something good and sweet.  

  

Love and mercy...sweet indeed!

St. Faustina (and some promises you may not know about)

This week the Catholic Church celebrated the feast day of one of my favorite saints:  Saint Maria Faustina.  Oh, how I wish I could express just how grateful I am that Jesus appeared to St. Faustina and asked her share the message of His infinite mercy with the world--and with me in particular!  It would be a very lengthy and heavy blog post if I tried to explain to you why I am so indebted to the Divine Mercy devotion, but I will briefly share that I believe the Divine Mercy Chaplet rescued my marriage and saved my soul from complete despair less than a year ago.  That is why I am so passionate about spreading this devotion every chance I get!

The Divine Mercy Chaplet is so powerful--just trust me, it is!  Actually, don't trust me, trust Jesus, because He Himself gave us this powerful prayer in 1931!   And did you know that Jesus promised very special graces to those who even look upon the image of His Divine Mercy with devotion!?  Here are some of those promises straight from Our Savior's mouth that he spoke to St. Faustina:

Paint an image according to the pattern you see, with the signature: Jesus I trust in You.  I desire that this image be venerated, first in your chapel, and then throughout the world. The two rays denote Blood and Water.  The pale ray stands for the Water which makes souls righteous. The red ray stands for the Blood which is the life of souls. These two rays issued forth from the very depths of My tender mercy when My agonized heart was opened by a lance on the Cross. These rays shield souls from the wrath of My Father. Happy is the one who dwell in their shelter, for the just hand of God shall not lay hold of him. (Diary of St. Faustina #47 and #299)

I promise that the soul that will venerate this image will not perish. I also promise victory over its enemies already here on earth, especially at the hour of death. I myself will defend it as My own glory. (Diary of St. Faustina #48)

I am offering people a vessel with which they are to keep coming for graces to the fountain of mercy. That vessel is this image with the signature:  “Jesus, I trust in You." (Diary of St. Faustina #327)

By means of this image I shall grant many graces to souls…(Diary of St. Faustina #742)

This painting is the "Original" painting done by the artist Eugene Kazimirowski in 1934.

It is said that when Faustina first saw the painting, she cried because it did not look nearly as beautiful as her beloved Savior looked when He appeared to her.

But who could ever capture the glory of God on canvas?

Aren't those promises AWESOME!?  ...Spared from hell, protected from God's just wrath, extra graces...  Truly, ladies and gentlemen, it doesn't get any better than that!  Our family has had a Divine Mercy picture in our house for years, but I had no idea of the special graces and promises associated with it until recently.  Once I heard about the graces, I went to our local Catholic book store and bought a whole bunch of them to give as gifts to some very special people in my life.  Perhaps God was pleased with my enthusiasm, because the other night at a local fundraising banquet, there was a Divine Mercy canvas painting on the silent auction table, and of course I had to bid on it...  And the Lord in His infinite mercy and kindness let me win it...for only $25!  I was so thrilled!!!  Some people left the banquet with handmade quilts or gift certificates, and I left with Jesus in my arms! You can't beat that! :)  I was especially thrilled with the canvas print because it was the "original" Divine Mercy image, which is the one that we did not have in our home yet (there are a few different versions of the painting out there...you can read more about them HERE if you wish).  Our new painting is now in a very special place in our bedroom, so that my husband and I can look at it often and be reminded of the gift of Divine Mercy in our marriage. God is so very, very good!

I wish I was able to tell everyone in the whole world about Jesus' infinite mercy and how He is just longing for souls to come to Him with trust and confidence in His mercy!   No sin is greater than His love and mercy!  And when we ask Him to wash away our sins in the ocean of His mercy, not only does He completely forgive our sins, but He also gives us the grace to completely forgive others!  Yes, even those who have sinned against us and completely broken our hearts...we can forgive them because Jesus has forgiven us when we have sinned and broken His heart.  God's mercy on us begets our mercy on others.  What a priceless gift.  What a saving grace.  I am eternally grateful.  Please help me to spread Faustina's message of Jesus' infinite love and mercy with our world so desperately in need of that message!  Perhaps you would consider buying some Divine Mercy holy cards or pictures and giving them away as gifts...  Or buy one for your own home if you don't have one yet...remember the special promises given to those who have a Divine Mercy image in their homes?  But above all, pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy as often as you can---your soul and the souls of countless others will benefit beyond belief!  (And make sure you add the optional beginning and ending prayers...I think they are the best part of the chaplet!).  :)

Saint Faustina, pray for us!

JESUS, WE TRUST IN YOU!!!

For those who aren't familiar with the Chaplet, here's how you pray it:


Optional Opening Prayer:
You expired, Jesus, but the source of life gushed forth for souls,
and the ocean of mercy opened up for the whole world.
O Fount of Life, unfathomable Divine Mercy,
envelop the whole world and empty Yourself out upon us.

O Blood and Water, which gushed forth from the Heart of Jesus as a fountain of Mercy for us, I trust in You! (x3)

Our Father, Hail Mary and the Apostle's Creed

On each “Our Father” bead of the rosary, pray:
Eternal Father, I offer you the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your Dearly Beloved Son, Our Lord, Jesus Christ, in atonement for our sins and those of the whole world.

On each of the 10 “Hail Mary” beads, pray:
For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.

Concluding prayer:
Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us and on the whole world. (x3)

Optional Closing Prayer:
Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion--inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase Your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to Your holy will, which is Love and Mercy itself.

How do I love May, let me count the ways

May if full of things that make me happy...here's just a few of them:

• First of all, May is the month devoted to the Virgin Mary who I love dearly.  I have lost count of the times that she has untangled the knots in my life and protected me under her loving mantle.  This month my women's prayer group finished the book "33 Days to Morning Glory," and we all consecrated our hearts to Our Lady.  It was very special and I highly recommend Fr. Gaitley's book which beautifully explains why Catholics entrust our lives to Mary:  in short, because she will lead us on the most perfect path to Jesus.  I especially love the May Crowning Mass at my boys' Catholic School, where the entire student body honors Mary by placing flowers at her feet while singing "Queen of the May."  It is so beautiful...it must make Mary and Jesus smile! :)

• May is also the month of Mother's Day, and I have happily continued my dad's tradition of planting flowers on Mother's Day.  This year was too cold to actually plant the flowers on Mother's Day, but a week later I was able to get my hands in the dirt and make our front yard look lovely.  I love planting flowers.  It reminds me of all the years planting flowers side by side with my dad, which was our gift to my mom on Mother's Day.  Also, there's just something therapeutic about digging in the dirt and creating something beautiful.  I am hoping that our pretty flowers will inspire someone to buy our house this summer.  We are putting it on the market in June...  This is the second summer that we are trying to sell it.  To be honest, last summer was miserable trying to keep the house constantly clean with 5 active boys in the house, so this summer we have a much better plan...  The kids and I are heading to South Dakota to spend the summer getting spoiled by Grandma and Grandpa, while my sweet husband stays behind to keep the house ready for showings!  Why didn't I think of this last summer?!  Anyway, please pray for our house to sell quickly and for God to provide us a new home that will be perfect for our family.  St. Joseph, pray for us!!!

• May is also my birthday month.  I honestly forgot how old I was turning this year and had to do the math to figure it out!  :}  I guess that means I'm getting so old that I don't want to know how old I am anymore!  Hopefully it's not early onset Alzheimer's!  Anyway, it turns out I am 36.  This year I was totally spoiled by my husband who bought me a full-suspension mountain bike so that I could bike with him and our boys on some of the very best mountain-biking trails in the country!  I don't know if I will be able to keep up with my adrenaline-junkie boys, but I am very eager to try and to get my exercise in the fresh mountain air and gorgeous scenery!  Paul spent many months searching for the perfect bike in my favorite colors (chocolate brown and sky blue), and he even bought me a sky blue helmet, sky blue pedals, and sky blue handle grips so that everything would be completely color coordinated!  Boy, he sure knows me well. :) 

• And last, but not least, May is also the month of my anniversary.  This year Paul and I celebrate 15 years together!  They have not all been blissful or easy years, but they have been fruitful and sanctifying years.  We have learned how to make handsome boys (I wonder when will we learn how to make girls?), how to forgive, how to sacrifice, how to fight, how to kiss and make-up, how to fake it 'til we make it, how to cling to Christ when we want to give up, and how to keep guiding each other towards Heaven.  Marriage is nothing like I thought it would be, but just what my soul needed to learn how to be Christ-like.  Our anniversary gift to each other this year is something we have been dreaming about since we were courting...  We are making a pilgrimage to Medjugorje, the place where our love first began.  When I made my first pilgrimage to Megjugorje as a senior in high school, I made a deal with Our Lady (dangerous, I know).  I asked her to send me my spouse my first year of college, and if she didn't I would take it as a sign that I was meant to pursue the vocation of religious life, which was something I was seriously considering.  My frugal nature didn't want to waste time and money going to college if God wanted me to be His bride in a convent, so I wanted Mary to help me sort out my vocation right away.  And she did.  At Christmas break my first year in college I came home to visit my family, and Paul was on vacation from the Navy visiting his family in the same hometown of Aberdeen, SD.  While he was home, he happened to chat with my brother Steve (they were highschool classmates and friends), and Steve mentioned to Paul that I had recently made a pilgrimage to Medjugorje.  Paul's curiosity was piqued because his devotion to Mary had grown immensely over the past few years, so he gave me a call to ask me about my Medjugorje experience.  I was delighted to share my story and a sweet friendship was born.  After months of beautiful courtship via phone calls, love letters, and occasional trips to visit one another, it became abundantly clear to my heart that this man was Mary's answer to my very specific prayer request in Medjugorje.  We got married a year and a half after that first phone call, purposefully choosing the month of May to exchange our vows because we truly give Mary the credit for bringing our hearts together.  Perhaps that gives you a better idea of why Paul and I are so thrilled to be making this pilgrimage together after all these years.  We leave for Medjugorje on June 22nd.  Please pray that we have a safe and holy pilgrimage, and we would be honored to take any of your prayer requests with us to offer to Our Lady while we are there...you can send them via the comment section on this post or via email:  pmhurlbert@gmail.com.  

9 minutes that will stretch your heart

I came across this amazing "true love" story on Ann Voskamp's blog.  It was just what my shallow heart needed to see.  It humbles me to admit that marriage is hard for me.  In other words, I'm not very good at it because I have carried in my heart a very selfish definition of what love is.  The Gospel gives us the correct definition, of course, but it has always been hard for me to convert that self-sacrificial definition of  love into my marriage.  Perhaps I watched a few too many sappy romance movies over the years when I should have been reading my Bible instead!  :)  But anyway, this story of marriage lives out the Gospel definition of love more beautifully than I've ever seen...it is definitely worth the 9 minutes!

Anniversaries, Memories, and Fairy Tales

This year, our wedding anniversary shared Memorial Day, which made it a day filled with memories for me.  I still remember almost every minute of my wedding day:  getting my hair done with my bridesmaids (and then redoing it myself because I didn't like it), wearing my mom's homemade wedding dress, swooning over my soon-to-be-husband in his military suit, my dad crying as he gave me away, lighting our unity candle to the Marian song "As We Kneel Before You" while we dedicated our marriage to the Blessed Mother's care, walking under the Navy sword arch and being swatted in the derriere with the words "Welcome to the Navy, ma'am," and thinking that I was in a fairy tale and would live happily ever after.  

How thankful I am for these vivid, happy memories to remind me that God has indeed blessed me with a real-life fairy tale that He has written just for me.  If I had written it myself, I know I would have changed many things along the way, but then I probably would have messed up the whole story and turned happily ever after into a tragedy.  Perhaps if I trusted the Author of my soul and Script-writer of my life a bit more, then I would find perfect peace and joy.   But the control-freak, English-major-geek inside of me always tries to steal the pen from God's hand.  When will I learn?

For example, I would have re-written the parts where the babies in my womb died.  There would be three more children in our family making our life even more joyfully chaotic.  And I probably would have written in the script that one of those sweet babies would be a curly, red-headed little girl named Bernadette Therese perhaps.  But, I didn't get to write that part of my story, and those 3 babies are in heaven praying for my family instead, interceding mightily so that we can all make it to meet them someday.  And God knew that's what we needed, and although I don't understand it, I do trust the Author and know He only chooses what is best.  I know this, but I don't often feel this.  I never imagined crying and questioning so much.  I hope God understands.

This is our sweet baby Sebastian who died at 13 weeks.
I hope this photo doesn't offend anyone...
It's the only photo of any of our lost babies, so it is precious to me.

I would have also removed many chapters of heart-ache and re-written the character development of my spouse just a  bit.  I would have had him holding a guitar rather than a hunting rifle, writing Christian music lyrics rather than FAA pilot regulations, and he would passionately put the protagonist on a very high pedestal.  But what kind of love story would that have made?  A pretty pathetic one, at best.  Who wants to read about a spoiled brat for a protagonist?  And without heartache and character flaws, how would the lovers learn about unconditional love and that the crosses in our lives lead us to the crown of Eternal Life?  Again, I would have mucked up the whole story and perhaps lost my salvation in the process.  Yes, God is a trustworthy Author.  I will hand Him back the pen and learn to be thankful for this wonderful life He has written for me, thankful for my babies on earth and the ones in heaven, thankful for my spouse who is teaching me about real love, and thankful for the Author of my Soul who has given me the gift of happily ever after in heaven someday.  God knows I love happy endings! :)

I love you my sweet babies in heaven.  Please pray for us until we meet again in glory!

Black and White

One of the most difficult parts of marriage for me has been learning how to handle our differences.  Some days I feel like Paul and I are as different as black and white.  Had he and I taken a compatibility test before we met, we probably would have never gone on a first date.  God works in mysterious ways, doesn't He?   Perhaps he wanted to use our marriage to prove that, sure enough, ALL things are possible with His grace!  :)

So the other day I was interiorly making a litany of all the things Paul and I don't have in common.  I was getting quite depressed about my list, and then as if put there to prove my point about how irreconcilably different we are, I noticed our two coffee cups sitting side by side... 

His:  ink black
Mine:  creamy white

So I pointed this out to him and said, "Look, even our coffee shows how different we are!  How are we going to make our marriage work!?"

He immediately grabbed both cups of coffee and calmly dumped some of his into my cup, and some of mine into his cup, making a bit of a mess in the process, and then he set them down and said, "That's how." 

Darn it.  He was right again.  I guess I had assumed that when we became sacramentally "one" on our wedding day, that we would become like the same person and live "happily ever after" from that day forward.   Ha!  Little did I know that being "one" is a lifetime process of sacrificing for one another, patiently putting up with our differences, and forgiving the spills and sinful messes that happen along the way.   Maybe our marriage is not as "happily ever after" as I had hoped it would be, but it's a whole lot "holier ever after," and that's all that matters in the end.

My husband and me

Meet my husband and me...

After 13 years we are still in love.  However, it's not the love I imagined.  It's not the twitterpated, adoring, "I want to hold your hand at all times" kind of love that I loved seeing in the movies as a young girl.  Nope.  We have the sacramental, daily struggle, choosing to love by dying to self, "committed to never leaving you even though some days I'd like to" kind of love.  Oh it's hard. Harder than I ever imagined--ever.  But more rewarding too, perhaps the way a marathon runner must feel after a race.  Yes, my husband and me are in marathon love, racing and struggling every day for the finish line of heaven where we will finally be able to love each other perfectly.  To be honest, some days we want to quit.  Some days we fight.  Some days I cry.  Some days we want to throw our vows (and NFP--but that's a whole other topic!) out the window.  But we don't.  We are as different as two people could be.  He likes to shoot animals.  I like to take pictures of them.   He likes bitter beer.  I like sweet wine.  He is greying.  I am perpetually teenage-looking.  If he were a tree, he'd be a wise and sturdy oak.  I'd be a fragile weeping willow.  But we have one thing in common that holds us together when we feel like falling apart.  We are Catholic.  We love Jesus more than we love ourselves, more than we love each other, and somehow that gives us the grace to keep on loving each other.  How thankful I am for sacramental grace!  And how thankful I am that I married a Catholic long-distance runner who is in this marriage for the long haul.