Wishing you a Blessed Easter!

A Blessed Easter Weekend to all of you

from our home to yours!

 

Here's some Easter artwork from my 3 oldest sons to put you in the Easter spirit...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At Planned Parenthood

 

As another 40 Days for Life campaign has come to a close both nationally and in my local town, I found myself reflecting on all my experiences thus far in the pro-life movement.  I have spent many days at Planned Parenthood in the last 15 years of my life, and I feel like each time I have been there has been both a burden and a blessing.  

I first started praying at PP with a group of pro-life college friends in Omaha, NE.  Every time I went, it was a bit of a burden to obey my blaring alarm clock at 5:00am each Saturday (the only day I could have slept in!), and get myself out of bed to go pray on the busiest abortion day of the week.  It was also a burden because for the first time in my life I saw the real faces of scared and wounded women who walked into the building with a child in their womb, and then walked out looking even more wounded with an empty womb...with an emptiness that might just stay with them forever. For the first time my heart ached---truly ached---from the issue of abortion.  It was no longer just a moral ideology for me, it became a real issue, for my eyes had finally seen the reality of what choice can do not only to the unborn, but to those who had to live with their abortion choice for the rest of their lives. I no longer felt like I was "right" and pro-choice people were "wrong";  I just felt raw sorrow, as well as a new found passion to rescue those very real people from the pain of abortion. On the sidewalk of Omaha's PP, I also saw for the first time pro-life convictions put into loving action by the men and women who chose to come stand outside in the heat, the cold, the rain, the snow, to try to be Christ's sign of hope for those women, hoping to help them choose life at the last second before walking in those PP doors. Those pro-lifers inspired me and changed me forever.  Every time I went to pray at Omaha's PP, the burden of waking up early, the burden of having my heart broken as I watched woman after woman make her painful choice, actually became a blessing because it stretched my heart and made me authentically pro-life.

Now fast-forward to me getting married, having babies, and moving to Montana.  Upon learning that my town had a PP, I felt called to be like the courageous and loving pro-lifers I met in Omaha.  I was thankful that I was not alone in this calling, for already there were a handful of faithful prayer warriors who prayed at our local PP every Friday--the abortion day in our town.  God also connected me with a holy and courageous friend named Margaret, who was inspired to start a 40 Days for Life campaign in our town in the Fall of 2007, and ever since then she and I have helped lead the campaigns annually.  The peaceful, prayerful approach of the 40 Days for Life movement, which focuses on fasting and asking the Lord to change hearts and save lives, is the best thing that has ever happened to the pro-life movement in my opinion.  It has been beautiful and humbling to hear the number of moms and babies saved during each campaign, the number of abortion workers' hearts converted, the number of post-abortive women and men healed through God's merciful love poured out through the loving witness of faithful prayer volunteers on the sidewalks of Planned Parenthoods.  God is certainly at work through the 40DFL movement, and I feel blessed to be a small part of it.

What continues to amaze me is what God is doing in my own heart every time I go out to pray at PP.  Like I said at the start, every time has been both a burden and a blessing.  It's a burden because every time I watch a woman, or an employee, or the abortionist himself enter those doors, my heart aches anew.  For example, last week I was praying at PP with my older two sons, and the abortionist pulled up and parked next to the sidewalk where we were standing. He walked within a few yards of us and I felt called to speak to him, to let him know he was loved and being prayed for. All I said was, "Good morning, we're out here praying for you." He looked at us with a blank stare, then casually walked inside the building.  I explained to my boys who the man was, and we prayed specifically for his conversion, for God to soften his heart to be receptive to the truth. A little while later, I noticed my son Michael was very sad and was trying very hard not to cry. I asked him what was the matter, and he said, "Mommy, it was really hard to see his face."  Yes, it is hard; it's a burden and a blessing. To see the abortionist's face does make all of it more real.  To see the man's face who is killing hundred of babies every year creates a heaviness in one's heart that is hard to describe.  To see the women's faces who are choosing death for their children and will be emotionally scarred for life creates a heavy sadness of a different kind.  To be on the sidewalk able to see each face truly is a burden to bear, for it makes it impossible to pretend that abortions don't really happen in our town.  But it's also a blessing to see those faces, to pray specifically for each soul, and to know I at least tried to be Christ's presence at PP by being present myself.

It is also a burden to get persecuted by people who don't see the truth about the sanctity of life.  Many times I have been yelled at or had someone's middle finger pointed in my direction or had to debate my beliefs with some very misguided or angry people at PP.  I had a lady pull up beside me in her car the other day while I was praying, and she asked me if I had ever thought about all the "good" things PP does?  I told her I couldn't really think of any good things.  So she proceeded to tell me about how PP gave her a free mammogram which detected cancer, which led to treatment, which saved her life.   I told her that I was happy for her, but that in reality, she could have gotten her mammogram somewhere else that doesn't perform abortions, and that the benefits of mammograms simply can't compare with the countless babies that are being killed at PP.  After she left, my heart was heavy because so many people just choose not to see the truth.  Satan, the father of lies, continues to be so clever and mislead sincere souls.  But at the same time, it's a blessing to be persecuted because it reminds me that Christ, too, was persecuted, and He promised that we would be persecuted if we follow His way and do His Father's will. 

Our town just finished the Spring 40 Days for Life campaign, although there really wasn't anything "Spring-like" about it.  It is still bitter cold here.  I tried to commit to praying twice a week during the campaign.  It was often a burden to stand outside in the cold to pray at PP, but I have to honestly say that every time I finished praying I found that the sacrifice of my time and comfort was far out-weighed by the graces that I felt God gave me for the effort.  Some of my most intimate times of prayer have been on the sidewalk of PP.  I know my faith is stronger because of my prayer time spent there--what a blessing!  I believe my children are learning the sacredness of human life and the value of standing up for a worthy cause--another huge blessing!  And I have also received the blessing of new friendships that I have made with the faithful prayer warriors who come week after week because they too are called to participate in the burden and blessing of being at Planned Parenthood.  As with all things God calls us to do, the blessings outweigh the burdens in the end. 

Here's a collage of favorite photos collected over the years at Planned Parenthood:



Joseph, my biggest little prayer warrior

Michael braving the sleet and snow at PP

Dominic, proud to be praying at PP



Paul with Nathanael, who slept right through the sleet

A group of faithful pro-lifers praying to end abortion even in the sleet during one of our Spring 40DFL campaigns

A handful of faithful pro-lifers praying in the snow and subzero weather

What a blessing it was to have BOTH of the national 40DFL leaders pray with us at our PP: 
David Bereit and Shawn Carney

Another huge blessing was praying with the holy and humble Fr. Benedict Groeshel who is often seen on EWTN

 

Two of the most adorable prayer warriors, Agnes and Grace, reminding us that every child is a beautiful and precious gift from God

 

This picture is my constant reminder of why I need to go pray at Planned Parenthood:  abortion grieves Jesus' heart and we need to be His hands, feet, and voice to defend those who can't defend themselves

Consolation on the Feast of St. Joseph

This morning during my devotional time, I experienced great consolation from God when I happened upon this prayer from St. Teresa that spoke to my heart in ways that are hard for me to express.  I have been experiencing a spiritual dryness and darkness lately, and this prayer was like refreshing water to my parched spirit.  It confirmed in my heart that indeed God's love is enough, a truth that I often find difficult to embrace, as I shared in a previous post.  My soul if overflowing with gratefulness at this sweet gift from the Lord, and also for the graces I received this week during my spiritual direction session and the Sacrament of Confession.  After Confession with my kind spiritual director, my eyes filled with tears and I felt as if a light was turned on in my soul again when he gave me absolution through Jesus Christ.  I thank Jesus for His many consolations to me this week...I certainly didn't deserve them, but perhaps He knew I needed them.

So today, on this special Feast of St. Joseph, I ask for his powerful intercession, that he will pray for me, my family, and my friends to live the message of this beautiful prayer always.

Prayer of St. Teresa of Avila

 

Let nothing disturb you,

nothing distress you;

while all things fade away,

God is unchanging.

Be patient,

for with God in your heart

nothing is lacking.

God is enough.

Habemus Papem...Pope Francis I

What an exciting week for Catholics and Christians throughout the world!  We have a new Pope!  Argentine Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected the first non-European pope in more than 1,000 years on Wednesday.  I was relieved to hear that he is widely considered to be "a conservative with great compassion."  He chose the name "Francis" in honor of the humble Catholic friar St. Francis of Assisi, which I also thought was a good sign that he will lead the church with humility, courage, and love.

In all honesty, I have to admit that I was a bit concerned when I first heard that our new Pope was from the Jesuit Order.  I know the Jesuit Order was founded by holy, courageous, orthodox priests (St. Ignatius, St. Francis Xavier, and a few others) in the 1500s who were faithful to the teachings of the Church, but I have also personally experienced how some priests in the Jesuit Order have strayed into more liberal beliefs in recent decades.  The Jesuit college that I attended, called Creighton University, was filled with liberal theology that was certainly not in line with the teachings of the Catholic Church, and I had to work very hard in my religion classes to weed out the unorthodox teachings.  Thankfully, my parents and my Catholic High School had laid a solid foundation of the true faith in my soul, so even though my faith was challenged in college, I feel like I emerged an even stronger Catholic when I graduated.  Sadly, however, my college experience left a bad taste in my soul for Jesuits, so I when the media announced that Pope Francis was a Jesuit I had a brief period of panic until I learned from some solid Catholic sources that Pope Francis was one of the Jesuits who still fully embrace the teachings of Christ and His Bride, the holy Catholic Church.

I was surprised how moved I was to watch him come through the balcony doors to be revealed as the new Pope.  I was further touched by how gently and warmly he greeted the crowd in Vatican Square, asking them to first pray for Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, and then asking them to pray for himself during a few moments of silence.  What a beautiful sign of humility!  May the Holy Spirit guide him in shepherding our Church, and may Catholics be re-inspired to embrace their faith, to embrace their Savior Jesus Christ, in a deeper way during this new era in our Church.

A Mix of Hot and Cold Fun

Over Spring Break this year our family chose a perfect blend of hot and cold fun...

The "big boys" got to spend two full days of carving the cold slopes at Discovery Ski hill.  We went in the middle of the week, so it was like having the entire mountain all to ourselves, which was an extra bonus!

 

While the big boys were outside in the cold, Nathanael and mommy enjoyed hot cinnimon rolls, hot french fries with cheese, and the warmth of each other's company. 

 

Nathanael kept himself happily entertained doing puzzles and occassionally playing "Star Wars Angry Birds" on the iPad.  Doesn't that dimple on his chin just melt your heart?

 

He is such a happy little guy and truly warms my heart every single day!



 

After a day at the cold slopes, we returned to Fairmont Hot Springs Resort to soak in the warm and soothing springs.  I am quite certain that heaven is going to have hot springs too :)

 

Joseph and Michael have sure turned into amazing swimmers after their experience with being on the St. Andrew Swim Team this year.  I am happy that all of our boys take to the water like fish.

 

The only fish that I resemble right now is a giant whale!

I think Nathanael was a bit concerned that I would sink if I tried to swim :)

 



While the big boys were skiing the second day, Nathanel, Dominic and I stayed behind at the resort to swim some more and to visit the animals at the resort's petting zoo. 

(Don't worry, we washed our hands when we were finished!)

 

I hope knowing that Spring is just around the corner makes you smile too!

Uncomfortable?

Because of my 3 clotting disorders, my OB requires me to get an ultrasound every month, which I just LOVE!  This week I had a 32 week ultrasound and our little man looks as handsome and healthy as ever.  The sonographer got one funny picture of him with his foot literally in his face.  It looked so uncomfortable, but apparently he doesn't seem to mind that scrunched up position because his face looked perfectly content.  I giggled when I saw it because it reminded me of how my dad used to grab my hand and then jokingly say "don't hit yourself" as he forced my hand to to hit my own face.  Thanks, dad, for the fond memories! :)  That  memory made me want to say to our little baby, "Hey little guy, don't kick yourself!" 

Our sweet baby is already weighing 4 and a half pounds and measuring in the 67th percentile, so it was another reminder that he will be joining our family very soon.  I am so eager to meet him and hold him in my arms.  I'm certain my warm arms will be way more comfortable than my womb which he is clearly outgrowing! :)

32 Weeks and Counting...

 

Here is me and my growing belly at 32 weeks.  All is going well, but I have felt from the start that this pregnancy has been totally different from my previous ones.  I'm amazed at how different each pregnancy can be and how many new things I learn each time I prepare to bring another little person into this world. 

At my last appointment I did the fun glucose drink and blood work, and I learned that my glucose levels were great, as well as my iron, but that I had a low platelet count.  That was something totally new to me.  At first it kind of freaked me out.  I wondered if I had leukemia or some other cancer or if that meant I was going to die...  My OB (as well as my research on google) reassured me that low platelet levels are fairly common in the third trimester of pregnancy, and usually they will bounce back up to normal levels once the baby is born.  I do have to get tested each month to make sure the platelet count doesn't continue to decrease, but hopefully all of this will be a non-issue.

Other symptoms that I have been experiencing lately are:

• persistent back pain (especially towards the end of the day)
• 3 or 4 Braxton Hicks contractions/hour (but so thankful not to be on bedrest yet!)
• being highly emotional (hopefully this doesn't mean I will have more post-partum depression than usual)
• occasional shortness of breath/chest tightness (still not sure what is causing this)
• fear of labor and delivery

I made the mistake this week of watching the movie "The Business of Being Born."  It was an insightful (although extremely biased towards natural childbirth with no medical intervention) documentary, but it did nothing to alleviate my fears of handling labor and delivery.  I don't know why I even worry when obviously I've done this before, but I think the fact that I've experienced how intense the labor pain will be and all the possible things that could go wrong has actually increased my anxiety with each pregnancy.  The documentary was so anti-hospitals, anti-epidurals, anti-OBGyns that it instills a sense of guilt if you choose not to go 100% natural.  But at the same time, the scenes in the movie that show natural childbirth were also frightening to me as I envisioned trying to deliver my baby without the option of pain-relieving drugs or a medical staff to assist in case of an emergency. 

For some reason I have a strong desire with this pregnancy to try to go through labor and delivery naturally.  I would love to be able to offer up my suffering to atone for sin, to console Jesus' heart, and quite simply because I believe it's better not to expose the baby to any drugs if possible.  But I also know how low my pain tolerance is and how I always chicken-out at about 6cm dilation and beg for an epidural.  I have successfully delivered one baby 100% naturally (my second born son, Michael), but that was not by my choosing.  By the time I arrived at the hospital, my OB said that I was too far along for an epidural (I think I was at a 7 or 8cm dilation).  I was NOT happy about that at the time, and honestly, I have totally blocked out in my mind how I managed the pain.  I don't really remember my labor at all, which is weird.  I do remember keenly wishing I had the epidural AFTER Michael was born because my placenta remained stuck in my uterus and it took numerous attempts and 2 different OBs to remove it by hand---not fun...oh my goodness! 

But anyway, I know that each pregnancy is different and I need to go into labor with trust in the Lord and with an open mind about how things will progress.  I made the mistake with my first pregnancy of writing out an 8 page birth plan (HA!), only to learn that not a single page of that birth plan could be accomplished due to circumstances totally out of my control (Joseph was undergoing fetal distress, etc).  It was devastating to me when my beautiful birth plan disintegrated and I won't make that mistake again.  So please help me just to pray for peace and for my labor and delivery experience this time to result in a healthy baby in my arms no matter if I go natural or the more pain-free approach.  Jesus, I trust in You!

PS:  I'm all ears for tips on pain management if any of you have something to offer.  During my last delivery I tried the birthing ball and also the hospital jacuzzi, and both really seemed to help me manage the pain of the contractions for quite awhile.  However, once the OB broke my bag of waters, the contractions become too painful and I went with an intrathecal.  Perhaps if I wait longer for my OB to break my waters and try to do most of my laboring in the jacuzzi I could tolerate the pain better?  Any other suggestions?

How To Console Jesus' Heart

Over and over again this past year, the concept of consoling Jesus' heart keeps coming to my attention.  Although I've been Catholic my whole life, this theological truth is relatively new to me and has captured my heart.  The fact that our actions, our thoughts, our simple prayers, the offering of our sufferings can somehow relieve Jesus' sorrowing heart is such a joy to me, and I am striving to learn how to do this many times throughout my day.  It is easy for me to imagine how much our sins, our lukewarmness, and our outright denial of Christ can wound His heart, but I never realized how a little soul like mine could alleviate his pain and make his heart smile through my very littleness---through my childlike trust in His love and mercy, through my submission to His will, through my gratitude of the countless blessings He gives me daily, and through uniting my small crosses with His saving cross. What a privilege!

I have often heard theologians say that the worst pain that Jesus endured during his Passion was not the brutal scourging, was not the nails driven into His hands and feet, but rather the foreknowledge He had of those who would reject His gift of salvation.  As a member of the Trinity, He could foresee the horrendous sins His beloved children would commit in the future, like the brutal wars, sexual abuse, the Jewish holocaust, and the continuing holocaust of abortion.  Perhaps those images were running through his mind in the Garden of Gethsemane when he cried tears of blood.  He was laying down his life for those who commit such sins, and yet many of those souls would remain hardened to His gift of grace and spend eternity apart from Him.  But it never really occurred to me that He could also foresee the number of souls who would accept His precious gift of salvation with thanksgiving, who would seek His mercy when they sinned, who would serve Him joyfully with their lives and even with their martyrdom, and how those future souls actually comforted Jesus' heart during His passion and made His cross more bearable.  Jesus, as part of the God-head, is beyond time and space, so our future actions could be seen and could console Him even during His Passion in the past.  This theological mystery is called "retroactive consolation."  Yes, it is a mystery, so I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it, but I think it's starting to sink in.

I was first introduced to this idea of retroactive consolation through St. Faustina's diary.  But I am now being inspired by another source that goes into theological detail of how this mystery works in my daily life.  It is a do-it-yourself retreat book called "Consoling the Heart of Jesus," by Fr. Michael Gaitley.  It is beautiful, easy to read, and spiritually profound. My husband and I just read a chapter in the book that really spoke to me deeply.  The author explains in what ways we can console Jesus the most.  I was surprised that it was not through huge sacrifices or penances, like fasting on bread and water or giving all your possessions to the poor or praying 15 hours a day.  What consoles Jesus' heart the most is when humble souls do these simple things:

1. TRUST HIM---it gives Jesus great joy when we have complete trust that He loves us and forgives us.  He longs for us to come to him with our sins and sorrows and simply talk to Him like a best friend.  Many times in Faustina's diary Jesus told her that it is people's lack of trust that wounds His heart most deeply; therefore, it is our childlike trust in His goodness that delights Him the most.
2. THANK HIM---it pleases Jesus immensely when we see His goodness around us and thank Him for all that He has given us and has done for us.  Great heroic sacrifices are not what Jesus demands of us; all He wants is sincere sacrifices of praise and thanksgiving (Psalm 49:14), both in the good times and in the bad.
3. GIVE HIM OUR LITTLENESS---it consoles Jesus when we admit our weakness, depend on His strength, and offer to Him our little crosses with joyful submission to His will.  When we accept with childlike trust the crosses that God sends us for our spiritual benefit, accepting them with a smile, it makes our Savior smile and feel loved.
4. MEDITATE OFTEN ON HIS PASSION---it gives Jesus great comfort when we recall His passion and death, for it reminds us of His infinite love for us.  I can't count the number of times he spoke to St. Faustina about the merit of simply thinking about His death on the cross and thanking Him for suffering for our salvation.  In particular, He requested that we pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy (which only takes about 7 minutes!) or the Stations of the Cross at the 3:00 hour, because that was the hour of His death when an ocean of mercy was poured out on the world; therefore, He continues to shower special graces upon those who seek them at that powerful hour.

Even a little soul like me can do those simple things!  As Mother Teresa once said, "God does not ask us to do great things; only little things with great love."  I have high hopes that this will transform my soul and help me to become the wife and mother and Christian that I am called to be in my daily life...


Now, for example, when I do the dishes, or clean my toilets, or change a nasty diaper, I can say, "Because I love you so much Jesus and I wish to console Your heart, I will do this task with joy."

Now, when I am overwhelmed with the demands of motherhood or get frustrated with my kids, I can say, "Thank you, Jesus, for the gift of my children.  I trust in You to help me be a loving mother."

Now, when I am feeling sad that my husband is not loving me exactly the way I want to be loved, I can say, "Thank you, Jesus, for my spouse and all he does for our family.  I know Your love is enough for me, and for You I will love and serve my husband joyfully."

Now, when I'm feeling anxious or feel like my cross is too heavy, I can say, "Jesus I trust You and I love you!  Thank You for my cross; I unite it to Yours with love, hoping that it will make you smile."

Now, when I sin or feel like my day was a complete failure, I can say, "Thank You, Jesus, for loving my littleness and for Your infinite mercy.  I trust in You and with Your grace I will do better tomorrow." 

I firmly believe that simple prayers like that console Jesus more than a 40 day fast on bread and water.  Now, I just need to train my heart to constantly look for ways to console Jesus' heart.  I need to learn to transform my daily moments of frustration into praise and thanksgiving.  I need to look at my crosses not as burdens but as opportunities to console my sweet Jesus who suffered on the cross for me and continues to suffer from His children's sins and indifference. 

Perhaps this is the great secret to finding  joy in suffering, which so many of the saints speak of!  JOY IN SUFFERING!?!?  That has always sounded a bit twisted and altogether impossible to me.  But now, to think that if I accept my small crosses with a smile, that I can actually make my Savior smile and feel consoled, it DOES make my crosses almost seem like a joy!  I'm almost excited to go clean my toilets tomorrow (oops, I said "almost"...I guess I'm not quite a saint yet!)  :) 

Dearest St. Faustina, pray for me to learn this powerful way of consoling Jesus constantly like you did.

JESUS, I TRUST IN YOU!