What my heart needed to hear...

Sally Clarkson posted this recently on her blog, and her words were just what my heart needed to hear:




The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

This week, I have heard from lots of sweet, broken-hearted moms. So many of you carry loads that are so soul-bending. Yet, I want you to know you are not invisible. Many times, as I look back on my life, I wonder how I made it. At times, huddling in the dark of our bedroom, with no lights on so that no one could see me, I would cry broken-hearted tears, and pour out my grief to the Lord.
 

At times, I felt helpless and hopeless, but because I loved my children, I would, by faith, put one more foot in front of the other and live the day as well as I could. So much of my despair came from having no support systems, and no one to give me a break.
 

Psalm 139 tells us that even darkness is not dark to God. As I look back now, His hand was at work behind the scenes. The dark place built depth and beauty in the souls of my children and in me. And at each juncture, God taught me something about the world, people, life and that He would guide me through the obstacle course of life, even when I was not aware of His carrying me.

So many times I really didn’t think I was going to make it.
 

But then I would read my Bible one more time. I would give my life and the decisions to God and beg for help and hoped that it mattered.
 

God did scatter some hope along my pathways that some times I did not see until looking back. But, He also knew He had a bigger arena for me, one in which I would minister to people from many backgrounds, struggles and stories, and so He used every struggle to help me become more humble. Every juncture or challenge in the road gave me compassion for others who struggled. Each obstacle conquered strengthened my wisdom and understanding so that I could be more ready and mature for the bigger, more challenging tests.
 

But now, through the process, God very slowly and gently used so many moments of heartbreak to loosen my grip on the things I thought I needed to satisfy myself–one at a time. And in the end, when my hands were empty of my personal expectations, He started giving me a hunger for heaven, for eternal things, for deeper relationships. Through the heartbreak, God gave me an appetite for my real home where I will live with Him for eternity, where my loved ones and I will experience peace in all of our relationships and all stress and sadness will be gone.
 

Heartbreak in this world is a proper assessment of being in a world that is dead to God and His ways. But, He, the servant of us all, is collecting every tear in a bottle to remember it, standing close to us in His mercy, and ever ready to welcome us into His comfort as we understand the fellowship of His deep understanding of how we suffer.
 

He indeed turned my mourning to joy and has blessed me more than I could have imagined because He who began a good work, was faithful to complete it in the lives of my sweet children. And now in the midst of difficult days, they are my comfort and joy. I raised my own support systems.
 

Remember, precious one, your labor is not in vain. Your deep hurts are noticed by him, the one who cried when Lazarus died, and His sympathy will be always there because he is a Father who has compassion on His children. May you know that today, you are not alone. He sees you and He cares for you, deeply and always.

Purgatory is...

...drinking a chai latte at 4:00pm and green tea at 7:00pm and then not falling asleep until 4:00am. "NO CAFFEINE AFTER 4:00PM" is my new, New Year's Resolution. I have new sympathy for those who suffer from insomnia. Good night, that was sheer torture! For the love of Pete and all the Souls in Purgatory, I will never do that again!

P.S. Sorry for those of you misled by the Title for this post and were hoping for a deep theological discussion on Purgatory. I am WAY too tired to discuss Theology today! :}

Deep Thoughts on Humility

Over the past few months, God has been teaching me to grow in the virtue of humility, and I have been a very reluctant student. God has convicted me that I am vain and selfish, but thankfully He has been gently showing me the only way to cure such vices: true humility. A dear high school friend of mine, who is now a priest, once told me that the quickest way to humility is through humiliation. I can now say that I know exactly what he means. I can't say that I've enjoyed the process, but I can now say that I am thankful for the opportunity. Here's a brief synopsis of my petty, but nonetheless real, journey towards humility:

About 6 months ago there must have been a shift of some sort in my hormones because my skin started breaking out with acne like never before. I thought acne was for teenagers, not for 30 year olds!? Anyway, months went by with no improvement and I was really starting to struggle with my self-esteem because of it. As vain and silly as it sounds, I have to admit I spent many hours crying and praying over this small cross. It's funny how sometimes the smallest crosses can seem so huge when you lack the humility and faith to respond rightly. Anyway, I finally went to a dermatologist who told me the only way she could help me was if I was willing to go on birth control. I said "not an option" and continued trying to pray my cross away. More weeks went by, and I finally decided to go to another dermatologist who was extremely compassionate and helpful. She gave me some products that should help clear up the acne without compromising my convictions about contraception. I did have one humiliating bump in the road when the medication that the dermatologist prescribed caused an allergic reaction due to the cleanser I was using. So for about a week I not only had terrible acne, but I also had bumpy, scaly skin from the allergic reaction. It was so bad I couldn't even wear make-up...the horror! I've often prayed that someday I wouldn't have to wear make-up anymore, but this what not exactly what I had in mind. More tears, dying to self, and learning the virtue of humility. But I am happy to report that it's been a few weeks now, and I think I am starting to see some improvement in my skin. But, I have to admit that the real victory is how I have grown in humility on the journey. I no longer shed tears when I look in the mirror, I simply say a prayer of thanksgiving for this humiliating opportunity to grow in holiness, this opportunity to weed vanity out of my soul, this opportunity to share in the suffering of Christ (even though my cross is like a sliver compared to His!). So that's my story. It was humbling for me to share it, but I thought it might help root out some more pride and vanity :) The following prayer has always been a favorite of mine, and it really has been helpful for me on this journey. Perhaps it will be meaningful to you, as well.

LITANY OF HUMILITY

(by: Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930), Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X)

O Jesus! Meek and humble of heart, hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed, deliver me Jesus
From the desire of being loved, deliver me Jesus
From the desire of being extolled, deliver me Jesus
From the desire of being honored, deliver me Jesus
From the desire of being praised, deliver me Jesus
From the desire of being preferred, deliver me Jesus
From the desire of being consulted, deliver me Jesus
From the desire of being approved, deliver me Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated, deliver me Jesus
From the fear of being despised, deliver me Jesus
From the fear of suffering rebukes, deliver me Jesus
From the fear of being calumniated, deliver me Jesus
From the fear of being forgotten, deliver me Jesus
From the fear of being ridiculed, deliver me Jesus
From the fear of being wronged, deliver me Jesus
From the fear of being suspected, deliver me Jesus
That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it
That in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

Deep Thought Thursday #5

I just love wildflowers, especially ones that are truly growing wild on a mountainside. They make me want to run to the top of the mountain, twirl around and sing, "The hills are alive with the sound of music...laaa la la la...with songs they have sung for a thousand years...laaa la la la..." :) Although my wildflowers aren't on a mountainside, they still make me happy just to look at them (I spare the neighbors my rendition of Julia Andrew's "Sound of Music" though!) My boys also love the flowers because they seem to attract bugs of every variety which delights them to no end. Poor bugs.

Anyway, as I was looking at the wildflowers this morning, the deep thought occured to me that my soul is kind of like those wildflowers by our walkway. If you look closely at them, you'd notice not only bugs, but also weeds of every variety. I also never took the time to thin-out the flowers as they were growing, which has caused them to be not only weedy, but also a bit overgrown or shall we say too wild. My soul lately has felt a bit "too wild," tangled with weeds (sin) and overgrowth (selfishness). And so I am reminded of the beautiful Sacrament of Reconciliation and how much I need to receive it again (Pope John Paul II actually went to Reconciliation every day...so I'm way overdue!) So today I am thankful today for wildflowers that remind me of how beautiful my soul is intended to be when I allow the Great Gardener to shower me with His mercy and weed out the sin and selfishness in my soul.

Deep thoughts, by Wild About Wildflowers Maria :)

"Sing for joy, O heavens, break forth into singing, O earth!

For the Lord has comforted his people and will have mercy on his afflicted."

Isaiah 49:13

Deep Thought Thursday #4

I recently watched Star Wars II with my older boys, and Yoda made a remark that I found to be truly profound the more I pondered it. The soon-to-be evil Emperor asks Yoda if he thinks a war is eminent. Yoda reflects a moment and then replies,

"The dark side of the Force clouds everything.

Impossible to see the future is."

As I read the headlines and listen to Christian and Catholic radio stations, I can't help but think that the "dark side of the Force" (aka Satan) is clouding our culture and the judgment of many of our leaders. How can our country possibly be condoning same-sex marriages, contraception that kills babies, and abortion as a fundamental right? And more recently, I've been reading about Obama's so-called health-care plan which would make abortions completely funded by taxpayers (that's you and me!). That truly makes me sick. A spiritual war is certainly being fought. As discouraged as I sometimes get, I find comfort knowing who my real Commander in Chief is...Jesus Christ. He will win in the end; I simply fear the casualties and the pain to occur before the battle is over. I will continue to pray for our country, our President, and all our US and foreign leaders. I will pray that ALL turn away from the dark side of the Force and turn to Christ, our hope and our salvation. May the Force be with you...the Force of Christ through His Holy Spirit!

~Deep thoughts by Jedi-Obi-wanna-be Maria :)

Deep Thought Thursday #3

One of the highlights (or lowlights depending on your perspective) of our last camping adventure inspired this week's deep thought. My husband, our 3 boys, and myself were hiking along a beautiful creek and we stopped to take a short break to let the boys throw some rocks in the rushing stream. My husband chose a nice, tranquil place to sit and watch his sons improve their throwing arm. He truly looked like a rustic model, and I thought about taking a picture of him and submitting it to L.L. Bean or some ourdoorsy magazine. About 5 seconds after I had this thought, he jumps up like a mad-man and starts doing a frantic little jig while trying to swat a myriad of ants who were apparently protesting about this giant who dared sit so near their home. I was laughing so hard that I don't think I helped get many of the gutsy little buggers off of him. He was laughing too (once most of them were off and he escaped with only one tiny bite), and that brief, humorous incident sparked a few deep musings:

1. Always look before you sit


2. Always have your camera ready


3. Despite the inevitable "ants" that life sends your way, you can still choose to be a "happy camper"

Truly, for those who love the Lord and know of his abundant love, mercy, and grace, there is nothing this world can send that can steal away our joy if we focus on Him. Who knew ants-in-the-pants could be so inspiring? Deep thoughts from Happy Camper Maria :)

Deep Thought Thursday #2

Now, I'm certainly no hockey guru, simply a concerned hockey mom, married to a former hockey stud, who has been watching the current Stanley Cup Play-Offs (GO PENS!) and getting a bit annoyed. I simply cannot understand the need for so much unsportsmanlike violence on the ice. And I don't mean just the fighting, which is also a lame waste of time exhibited by immature pansies who apparently have no self-control...I'm also referring to the hidden little jabbing, tripping, back-checking, slashing, and other sneaky means of provoking that the players hope and pray the refs don't see. I mean, really, is that necessary? Is that manly? I think not. I mean, think about it... What's manly about pulling a player's jersey over his head so he can't even fight back like a man? For the love of the game, can't players start acting like professionals on the ice? Just look at the Great One (that would be Wayne Gretzky for those of you who are clueless about hockey history)...Gretzky very rarely lost his temper, checked, or found himself twiddling his stick in the penalty box. I wish more players would follow his great example... Who knows, perhaps they'd become Great Ones too, and if they gave the glory to the Greatest One (God), than the Greatest game ever played would be even Greater...wouldn't that be GREAT! Deep thoughts by hockey mom Hurlbert :)

Deep Thought Thursday #1

As my friend Jenny and I were discussing the nuances of potty training this morning, as well as how dog-gone-cute our toddlers look in tighty-whities, we had the revelation about how pointless (no pun intended) it is for toddler underwear to have the little peter-flap in front. Anyone who has a toddler boy knows that their little peter is not nearly long enough to even fit through that opening, let alone being capable of pointing effectively into the potty without creating a pee catastrophy. After pondering further, I've decided it's simply another conspiracy against consumers, a marketing scheme to get mothers to buy the cute little undies, only to take them home and discover that someone could have made those a lot cheaper and more user-friendly without the cute little peter-flap. Just another example of how crazy our world is becoming. ...deep thoughts by Maria Hurlbert :)