With blogging, sometimes I worry about sharing too much. I hem and haw about posting things that would truly reveal who I am instead of who I want people to think I am (if that makes sense). But, at the same time, the people I like the most and learn the most from are those who are "real," those who share their weaknesses and admit their struggles, because those people remind me that I am not alone, and this gives me courage to carry my cross along side them. Well, today's post reveals the real me. The me that cries a lot. The me that is selfish. The me that is needy for love. The me who doesn't have a perfect marriage. The me who cried myself to sleep the other night because I felt lonely and unloved. My husband was away on a long work trip, and even if he was home, I knew I would still feel lonely, and that is what really made me cry. As my pillow became wet with tears, I suddenly had the image of Jesus holding me come into my mind. I don't know if He put the thought there or if it was my own active imagination, but it comforted me. I felt like Jesus was embracing me and tenderly saying, "It's OK. Rest your head upon My heart. My love is enough." And then I fell asleep.
Can God's love really be enough? I think I know the answer, but the real me has not been living the answer. I often look for love everywhere other than the Source. Yes, the real me is a mess--both spiritually and emotionally--and I have been for quite some time. Perhaps I am just going through some hormonal changes...perhaps I'm clinically depressed and need happy pills...perhaps marriage counceling would help...or perhaps I just need to trust that Jesus is enough to make me happy. Something needed to change, which is why I started receiving Spiritual Direction from a very holy priest a couple of months ago. I figured it was a good place to start. People who know me always say how happy and "together" I seem all the time, and even how saintly. How thankful I am that they can't see the messy and murky state of my soul! Spiritual direction has helped me to truly examine myself and find the source of my messiness, rather than trying to blame it on someone else and having a grand old pity party that suffocates the joy my soul longs for. So far, Spiritual Direction has led me to a a couple of epiphanies that are very humbling for me to admit, but perhaps admitting my weaknesses will help me find more clarity and healing, and perhaps help others carry their crosses too.
The first epiphany I had is that I have always excelled at everything I have done in my life---until I became a wife. During my school years, I was good at every sport I tried, I was gifted in music and art, and academically I was always at the tippity-top of my class. Even at the private university I attended, I maintained a 4.0, and I had high hopes of doing something amazing with my life. For awhile I dreamed of being a nun and becoming a great saint, then my vision shifted to becoming a doctor of some kind, and then I received a very clear calling from the Lord after a pilgrimage to Medjugorje that I was to become a wife and mother. Being an accomplished perfectionist and a hopeless romantic, I embraced this calling with zeal and began my pursuit of being the perfect wife to my husband Paul. My expectations were so high, that it is no wonder that I began to feel like a failure soon after the honeymoon was over. Marriage was the first endeavor that I failed at, and this was crushing to my Type A/4.0 spirit. Why did I fail so miserably at marriage? Well, the simple answer is that I am selfish. Which leads me to my second epiphany...
The second epiphany I had is that I have always felt very loved my entire life---until I became a wife. I know that sounds strange, and let me immediately clarify that I am not blaming this on my husband. He is an amazing and holy man. He loves me, I love him, and I would never want anyone to think anything but the very best of him. The problem lies within myself. Like I said earlier, my whole life I had always been good at everything I did, and I had also always been showered with love and affection from every direction. My parents loved me (and perhaps even spoiled me since I was the only girl); my three older brothers teased me constantly which made me feel loved; my teachers praised me and made me feel exceptionally gifted; I was surrounded by loving, supportive friends; and I even had a boyfriend or two who pampered me with poetry and put me on a pedestal that I frankly didn't deserve to be on. In short, I felt very loved my entire life, I liked feeling that way, and I expected to feel even more magically loved when I got married. Well, it didn't quite turn out that way, and I am beginning to see God's merciful and loving hand in choosing my spouse. Paul loves me, he serves me daily, and I know he would die for me if needed. However, he doesn't love me the way I selfishly want to be loved. He doesn't write me poems, doesn't romance me, doesn't put me on a pedestal (although I think he would like to put me in a tree stand during hunting season). :) Over and over again this has broken my selfish heart. It has made me bitter, sad, and frankly, not a very good wife. For my selfish and immature heart, it was nearly impossible to love and serve my husband when I didn't feel loved by him. Not exactly a recipe for a happily ever after marriage.
The good news is that over these 12 years of marriage, God has slowly been breaking that selfish heart of mine and replacing it with His perfect heart. Heart transplants are painful and I have been a very poor patient, but I think I finally have the faith to trust my Physician. During these past few months I have started to feel a change in my heart taking place. I've shed a lot of tears. I've caught a glimpse of my miserable sinfulness. I've felt the grace of mercy. I've argued with God and tried to trade my cross in for a different one. I've had a pity party or two. But spiritual direction has helped reveal the real me to myself so that I can focus on changing ME instead of wishing others would change or my circumstances would change. Spiritual Direction is also teaching me to listen to God's voice by taking time to be quiet every day. In the silence I have heard God whispering to my heart that I don't need to be a perfect wife, only a loving and humble wife. And even when I don't feel loved by my spouse, His perfect love will be enough---if I let it and stop looking elsewhere.
