Michael turns TWELVE!

Our Michael turned 12 this month!  At first he was bummed that his birthday landed on Good Friday this year because it meant:  no cake, no soda, no meat-lover's pizza, no fun.  Like good Catholic parents we told him to "offer it up" and unite his suffering with Jesus' :}  But, we made it up to him by celebrating the following Friday instead.  I can tell he is maturing from a boisterous boy into a young man because he chose not to have a big party with his entire class this year.  He just wanted two of his best buddies to come bowling with him and then go out for dinner at a fun restaurant.  What a joy it was to watch those boys bond and have a blast together!

I think the photos will tell the rest of the story... :)

Michael with his buddies Greyson and Jared,

and, of course, his big brother and best friend, Joseph

Pretty good form, Cabrera...

STRIKE!  Can you tell that this boy is competitive?

Michael and his buddies at the new Japanese Sushi and Hibachi Grill

We had a fun waiter named "How" who made the night a blast...

LITERALLY, a blast!

The birthday boy catching the broccoli that the waiter chucked at him.

Michael was a bit mortified when a group of waiters came ringing a gong

and singing "Happy Birthday" to him with a dish of ice cream.

He's giving me the look, "thanks a lot, mom!"

Then the boys came home to play some Wii football games.

The perfect end to a perfect day for Michael.

Dear Michael,
Oh how I still love your chocolate brown eyes and your face filled with freckles! I remember so well falling in love with you at the hospital with your peach-fuzzy red hair and your premie-cherub face. You were zealous even in my womb as you decided to introduce yourself to the world nearly a month early--the night your daddy flew home from Iraq to be exact.  You were tiny, but definitely made your presence known...  How vividly I remember your colicky, blood-curdling crying phase that seemed to last the entire first year of your life.  You always wanted to be held as a baby, and I'm thankful that you still let me snuggle with you from time to time when I come into your room to bless you at night :)  But it's clear to see that you are no longer my sweet baby boy, but rather a handsome, holy young man with a gentle, but passionate, heart.  You are such an awesome big brother, and I hope you never grow out of your love for playing with the little ones.  May you never be too cool to be a cool big brother.  I know sometimes you worry that you're going to be small forever compared to kids your age, but just remember that what really matters is the size of your heart.  And I can tell you that your heart is SUPER-SIZED, which makes me so proud of you!  Michael, Michael, Michael, you are our son who loves all things sports, and I pray that God will channel your competitive nature in ways that will always glorify Him.  I do wonder what you will be when you grow up...the next Miguel Cabrera in MLB, or a zeal-filled priest winning souls for Christ, or perhaps a brilliant and crazy teacher like Mr. Greaney who you admire so much???  Whatever you choose to be, I hope it helps you grow closer to Christ and helps you quench His thirst for souls.  That's all that matters in this world:  getting to heaven and getting others there too.  I love you so much and it has been such a privilege to be your mom and to watch you grow into who God is calling you to be.  I will cover you in prayer always, especially asking for the intercession of your patron, St, Michael, because you need all the protection you can get!  :)

Love, 
Mom

Alleluia! He Has Risen!!!

My husband commented the other day that the better his Lenten season is, the better his Easter celebration seems to be, and I think he is right.  The more we pray and sacrifice and meditate on Christ's passion and God's unfathomable love for us, the more we are able to fully embrace that love on Easter.  Whereas, when we slack off during Lent by constantly breaking our chosen sacrifices and being lukewarm in our prayer life, then Easter just doesn't have the same joy.

This Lent was a difficult but very good Lent for me.  I sacrificed 3 of the things I like most in this world:  coffee, wine, and sleep.  I did not sacrifice perfectly, but I trusted in God's mercy when I blew it, and tried to carry on with increased discipline and zeal.  I was proud of our kiddos for the sacrifices they made too...Dominic bravely gave up soda, Joseph and Michael gave up dessert, and they all gave up electronics.

Easter day was delightful this year.  It began with our traditional in-door egg hunt of all the eggs we had decorated.  That was followed by Mass at the Cathedral, which feels extra special because the bishop celebrates the Mass at Easter.  Our oldest son Joseph was an altar server too, which sure made me proud :)  After Mass, we came home to get the Easter meal ready.  Some of our dearest friends came to feast with us:  Glen and Lisa with their 5 girls and 1 boy, and my friend Jennifer with her son, Alex (unfortunately Derek and Sarah couldn't come because Sarah was sick).  The food was marvelous, the fellowship even better.  We are blessed with such holy and awesome friends that it makes being away from family bearable.  After the meal, we usually go have an outdoor egg hunt at a nearby lake, but this year it was cold and SNOWING all day!  So, we just had a quick egg hunt in the back yard instead.  The rest of the day was spent gorging on Easter candy, coffee, and beer (just Paul and I on the latter two), and playing excessive amounts of video games (just the kids on that last one).  :)

I hope that each of you had a wonderful (it truly is a wonder how much God loves us!) Easter celebration too!

The rest of our Easter story can be summed up in photos...

This is our tasty and teachable "Crown of Thorns" bread that we make every Good Friday.

As the kids place "thorns" into the crown, they recall particular sins that truly hurt Jesus and they say how sorry they are.  Then as they remove the thorns to eat them, they recall all the sacrifices of love that they made for Jesus during Lent to help relieve Jesus' suffering and console His heart.  We had the bread with some tomato soup, to remind us of the blood that Jesus shed during his passion.  

I was so pleased that my oldest 2 boys still wanted to participate in the egg decorating.

I did bribe them slightly by offering 3 chocolate prizes for:

1) the most religious theme  2) the most creative/unique  3) the most artistic/well-done

Nathanael showing off his Jesus egg

All of the eggs turned out beautiful except one:

The farthest egg has a picture of "the Eye of Sauron",

which was decorated by Joseph who is enamored with "Lord of the Rings."

Certainly not a very Easter-ish theme, but I do give him credit for creativity. :}

I had fun making these Bird Nest cookies again this year,

a reminder of Springtime and the New Life we have in Christ.

This picture looks almost perfect, but the funny part is that I took over 10 pictures of the boys and not one of them turned out without someone blinking or looking goofy.  So, like the perfectionist that I am, I spent an hour Photo-shopping the best face of each boy into one good picture!

Here's an example of one of the goofy ones :)

I took many pictures of Glen and Lisa's family, 

and the funny part is that every single one of them turned out perfectly (unlike ours).

Their kids are all smiling sweetly and looking at the camera in every shot.

I didn't have to do any Photo-shopping at all!

I guess that's proof that there's a difference between boys and girls :)

Paul is now going with the trendy shaved-head look,

and I am trying like crazy to grow my hair out again. 

It is finally long enough for me to curl it and to put it in a teeny-tiny ponytail again!

 I don't think I will ever cut my hair short again, 

and poor Paul doesn't think he'll ever be able to grow his long again :}

Me with two of my best girlfriends:  Lisa and Jennifer

The Catholic couples :)

We have great hopes of arranging Catholic marriages of their 5 daughters with our 5 sons...

that is unless they all chose the religious life! :)

This year the big boys (Joseph, Michael, and their buddy Alex) decided they were "too big" for hunting for eggs, so they became the egg hiders.

Notice the snow in the photo?

Only in Montana do we have Easter egg hunting in the snow!

Michael took his egg hiding job seriously and wanted to make it a challenge :)

My friend Jennifer is so great with little kids and she helped Isaiah have a blast at his first egg hunt!

Michael also offered to help Isaiah find eggs,

hoping that Isaiah might share some candy perhaps?

Here is Michael helping a damsel in distress who couldn't quite reach the eggs at the top of our swingset.  What a gentleman.

Nathanael showing off his loot.

Resurrection rolls are one of our favorite Easter traditions.

Each step in the process beautifully (and deliciously) explains the Easter story.

You can Google how to make these or click on this link.

ALLELUIA!!!  

He has risen and we are saved from our sins!!!

Heavenly Consolations

Since Nadine's death, I have been vigilant about praying for her soul.  Like a good Catholic I guess, I have a healthy fear of purgatory  :)  Don't get me wrong, I love purgatory, and I hope to make it there someday so that I can be purified and then see God face to face with a perfectly clean heart.  But the purification part scares me and I don't want anyone that I love to have to suffer any longer than necessary, so I feel called to pray and offer Masses for them, just like I hope others will pray like crazy for me when I die (I hope they pray for years...I might be there awhile!)  :}  I love that the Lord lets us pray for departed souls and participate in sending them extra graces, but it frustrates me that we won't ever know when to stop praying and offering Masses.  Couldn't God in His omniscience send us a text when our loved ones are finally in His embrace?  Well, I think sometimes he does...not through a text message, but through events beyond coincidence...

A couple of weeks after Nadine's death I went to confession.  I had a myriad of things to confess, one of which was a feeling of guilt for not spending more time with Nadine--I could sense in my heart that I had been selfish with my own time when I could have been much more charitable and made time for such a special little girl who needed to feel affirmed and loved.  Anyway, after my lengthy confession was over, Fr. John gave me advice on many things that I mentioned in my confession, but nothing regarding Nadine.  Then, he gave me my penance:  "Read and meditate on Psalm 103..."  My eyes grew wide and I asked him to clarify..."Did you say Psalm 103?"  "Yes," he replied, looking puzzled at my reaction.  Then I told him that Psalm 103 was the Responsorial Psalm that I was asked to read at Nadine's Vigil ceremony.  The priest just smiled, and I left the confessional both bewildered and consoled somehow.  What could this mean?  I mentioned what happened to my mom on the phone a few days later.  Her immediate reaction was something like this: "Maria, I think that was God's way of letting you know Nadine is in Heaven and you can stop worrying."  It just seemed too good to be true, so then I shared the story with my wise Spiritual Director, and he confidently said something like this:  "That was absolutely a signal grace."  (So then I had to ask him what a signal grace was...)  And he explained that signal graces are signs sent by God that are clearly beyond coincidence, given to console our hearts and answer a specific prayer that we have asked.  Well, my heart was absolutely consoled.  Thank you, God, for sending heavenly consolations to this anxious and scrupulous soul who needs them so!  :)

When I shared this story with Nadine's mom yesterday.  She, too, was consoled and then shared with me that God had sent her a heavenly consolation too.  Cheri had been begging for a sign to know with certainty that her daughter was safely with the Trinity.  Wild-at-heart Nadine loved wildflowers and every year she would get giddy with delight when she saw the very first buttercups blossom in the Spring.  Well, shortly after Nadine's death, Cheri walked outside their house, which is located up in the mountains near our local ski hill, and there she found 3 perfect buttercups blossoming before her eyes, which had not been there the day before.  Three buttercups...Father, Son, and Holy Spirit embracing sweet Nadine.  How great is our God!  A God who sends us consolations that some would merely call coincidences.  Christians know that there truly is no such thing as coincidences, for everything passes through the hands of our infinitely loving Father.  :)

P.S.  Call me a crazy Catholic, but I will probably continue to pray for Nadine's soul because I'm overly scrupulous and I care about her too much not to do so.  In my heart, I have a feeling that she is running through heavenly buttercups already, but I trust that if she no longer needs my prayers, God will kindly use them for another soul in need.  

In Memory of Nadine Grace

This is Nadine Grace, my beautiful, joy-filled friend who just turned sweet 16 last month, and who just entered the gates of heaven last week.  It's all still so surreal; my tears are still wet on my face...

On Sunday, March 8th, she suddenly collapsed at the ski hill and was taken to the ER.  They quickly discovered that one of her lungs had collapsed, and soon after discovered that this was caused by a cancerous tumor in her lung.  Cancer was not new for Nadine.  She had already fought it back twice: once at age 6, and again a year or two later.  Nadine had been cancer free for many years since then, and even her last check-up a few weeks ago showed that everything was normal.  So even though cancer was not a new word for Nadine's family, this time it came as a shock.  Over the next six days, family and friends came to visit Nadine at the hospital, to pray with her, to laugh with her, and to encourage her to beat cancer once again.  The ironic part is that people were coming to encourage Nadine, but in fact it was Nadine who was really encouraging them!  She inspired countless people that week with her faith, peace, and courage as she carried her heavy cross.  Nadine did not despair even when she received the devastating news later that same week that the cancer was growing FAST and she would have to choose whether to fight it at a larger children's hospital, or to just let it take its course.  Nadine, with a faith and maturity beyond her years, said she didn't want to fight anymore, she just wanted to see Jesus.  And Jesus must have heard her, for she died the next day.  No one expected it would happen that fast.  God was so merciful to spare her and her family months of suffering.  Amazingly, the day before she died, she pulled out a notebook and wrote down all her funeral plans...  She gave strict instructions that she wanted happy music, and she said:  "I don't want black clothes at my funeral.  Those are depressing colors.  I want bright, cheerful colors--I want the joyful part instead of moping around.  Yes, it's sad, but it's joyful."  And her instructions were followed beautifully.  The crowd in attendance looked like a field of wildflowers.  The music was more like a praise and worship Catholic youth conference than a funeral.  We even sang the song, "How can I keep from singing," which I never imagined singing at a funeral, but it was perfect.  Truly, it was the most Spirit-filled, joy-filled funeral I have ever attended.  Yes, there were tears, but there was also a joyful energy and a peace that passes understanding in the air.  I am certain Nadine was pleased.  :)

I have to be honest, though...this has been one of the heaviest and hardest weeks that I can recall.  I am trying to be happy for sweet Nadine's sake---she is finally free from tears or pain!  She had a hard life in her short 16 years, not only battling cancer, but struggling with mental health issues, academic challenges, and social problems that often left her feeling very insecure and unloved at times.  How happy I am that she is now in the arms of Love Himself and having a blast playing with babies in heaven's nursery and holding hands with her favorite saint: Bernadette.  But selfishly, I am sad.  I miss her.  I bitterly regret not spending more time with her.  I was so very, very blessed though to visit her twice during that last week of her life.  She actually called me 2 days before she died to specifically ask me to bring my 4 year old, Nathanael, to the hospital to brighten her day.  To say that Nadine loved little children would be a drastic understatement!  I will never forget Nathanael snuggling with her on her hospital bed, and the way he kept saying, "I love you, Goodbye, I love you, Goodbye," over and over again as we walked out of the hospital room.  It was as if his pure little soul somehow knew this would be his last farewell to her.  How I wish I had known...  But I will treasure the memory of those last visits in my heart forever.  I will also treasure the memory of being her Confirmation sponsor last year and getting a glimpse into her precious soul during our weekly religious education classes together.  But, oh, how I wish I couldn't spent MORE time with her, letting her know just how much I loved her...  I should have invited her on shopping sprees, asked her to come play with my little ones at the park, and taken her snowboarding at the ski hill near her house.  She would often call and ask if she could babysit for me, and I always said "no" because I was too caught up in my own busy life.  Please forgive me, Nadine.  But I know she would not want me to have regrets, so I will strive to be thankful for the times we had together, and I will continue my friendship with her now more than ever by asking for her intercession often.  I chatted with her just a few days ago, asking her to say hello to my 3 babies who are in heaven.  I sure hope she has found them and snuggled with them for me. 

Dear Nadine, I love you.  Thank you for letting me be a part of your life.  Your death has stretched my heart and inspired me to love better and live more joyfully like you did.  Please pray for me and my family so that we can reach heaven and see you again someday.  

  

Nadine's mom took this photo on her ipad of our last visit with Nadine at the hospital.

I will treasure it always.

P.S.  If you have time, please say at least one Hail Mary and an Our Father for Nadine's soul, and also for her grieving family.  Or, even better still, you could offer one of your upcoming Mass intentions for them!  Nothing is more powerful than the Mass!  Nadine's parents, Dan and Cheri, are amazing Christians with a rock-solid faith, but they need lots of graces right now to get through this.  And Nadine has a 13-year-old brother named Levi who is good friends with my son Joseph.  We will definitely be inviting Levi over for lots of playdates to help him get through the pain and loneliness of losing his only sibling.

more gratitude, with pen and pixels

Today I stumbled upon a quote that stopped me in my tracks...

"GRATITUDE turns what we have into enough.

So, once again I open my notebook and force my pen and my heart to be grateful:

• milk and honey bubble baths
• a trip to the nature museum and seeing a real-live great-horned owl up close
• Isaiah's vocab explosion and the way he pronounces Michael's name: "Goggle"
• a nap under our new, warm comforter with my cat cuddling under the covers next to me
• Natey calling me "beautiful"
• my hobbit-like son playing hobbit-like music on the piano
• my faithful 4th day friends friends who love me despite me
• nearly new dresses from a stylish friend
• Dominic's new glasses--bold and fun, just like him
• making up bedtime songs with my little boys
• the freedom of giving away toys and clothes for Lent
• listening to the Gospel reading on the couch with my husband each morning
• learning more about the real St. Therese through the book:  Everything is Grace
• opportunities for humility...painful but good
• seeing who I really am:  a sinner in need of a Savior
• the chaos and grace of bedtime prayers with 5 crazy boys
• cute little bums in the bathtub
• gazing at Isaiah's long eyelashes as I rock him to sleep
• a movie that stretched my selfish heart:  The Dropbox
• new rugs over new wood floors
• the strong, unspoken bond of fellowship among my pro-life friends as we pray at Planned Parenthood
• one car with a young couple who came to Planned Parenthood, sat in their car for a long time and then left...a ray of hope that they changed their minds to choose life
• coconut oil back rubs
• 3 big boys doing homework at one little table
• chocolate chip pancakes
• watching my boys play football with their buddies
• playing at parks again after a long, cold winter
• boys having pine cone battles

Why do I ever try to cook fancy meals when all  my kids want are simple pancakes!?

How can I not be happy with this sweet face smiling at me all day!?

All of my boys have loved Legos, but my son Dominic as taken it up a notch.

He builds every spare moment and makes the most amazing creations.

Smart and creative this boy is.

Nathanael in the heat of a pine cone war, loaded with ammo and determined to win!

This sweet and crazy boy is such a joy and it is bittersweet to watch him get so big and independent.

Now that I have a teenager in the house, I know keenly that these little ones don't stay little for long, 

so I will just try to treasure and capture each precious moment.

We have had unseasonably warm weather this month, which has meant lots of playdates at the park with friends.  It brought my heart such joy to watch my older boys play with their best friends, and I'm glad I brought my camera along to capture their joy too!

Is this the little boy I held in my arms only 13 years ago?

Nothing brings Michael more joy than sports...can you tell?

After school homework time.  I love how these boys stick together.

Here is our hobbit-like son playing hobbit-like songs...

He is very passionate about playing all the songs from the Lord of the Rings soundtrack, which is not surprising because he has read the books numerous times.  He can be found at the piano countless times a day, which delights his mother.  The funny thing is, he chose to do violin lessons instead of piano lessons this year, and yet he plays more piano than his brothers who should be practicing for their lessons!  He certainly is gifted in the music department, and I hope he can find a way to use his talents to bring glory to God.

Listening to my son play music reminds me that there is so much to be grateful for; 

there can always be music playing in our hearts if we keep our fingers moving over the keys.

Meet my newest ski bum...

This year our daring Dominic was FINALLY old enough to join the Great Divide All Mountain Ski Club.  Joseph and Michael graduated from the club a few years ago, and Dominic has been patiently waiting for his turn to tear up the slopes!  :)  His turn arrived and it was so fun to watch him grow in confidence and skill on the hill each time we went.  I think he will now be able to join his big brothers on the black diamonds!  It's crazy how quickly my kids leave me in the powder!  :)

Here are a few fun pics of our newest ski bum and his big brother Joseph.  Usually Michael comes with us too, but on the day that I remember my camera, he stayed home to have a playdate with a friend...drat.

Here's Joseph doing some tricks in the terrain park.

It won't be long and Dominic will be trying these daredevil stunts.

I hope guardian angels patrol the slopes despite the risk of frost-bit wings!  :)

Gratitude Lifts the Clouds

Like I alluded to in my last post, it's been a long winter figuratively for me.  I had great hopes that the new supplements I started taking a few months ago (progesterone, 5HTP, Methytetrahydolfolate, Vitamin D3, and lavender oil) would dramatically help my anxiety and depression symptoms, but I have not noticed a significant change. I'll give these supplements a few more months, and then try something new perhaps.  But I have found one thing that truly does lift the clouds a bit, and that is GRATITUDE.  Training my heart to be thankful in all circumstances and to look for all the little gifts of love that God sends me daily truly brings joy and peace to my soul.  I still have lots of training to do though, because I habitually forget to give thanks and then find myself lost in the clouds again.  So, this Lent, I am trying to recommit myself to Ann Voskamp's 1000 gift idea...forcing myself to write down a list of all the things I am thankful for each day.  So here I go again:

• my biggest boy playing with my littlest, and both of them loving it
• Nathanael with goggles on in the bathtub
• the way Isaiah says "ma-ma" 1000+ times a day---how I love that little voice
• for the manna God gives me daily in so many ways 
• a 4WD SUV for driving in Montana snow
• a book that sets my heart on fire for Christ:  "Devotion to the Sacred Heart"
• sleep
• sweetly interrupted sleep by my baby boy who just wants to be held a moment
• Isaiah dancing to Joseph's violin ditties
• being needed by a little boy with bad dreams
• hiding in the Sacred Heart
• laughing while cleaning with my big boys
• big boys who still want me to snuggle and bless them at bedtime
• a smile from an unexpected acquaintance
• Kids-Eat-Free at IHOP
• evening prayers with 5 boys on our bed, with Isaiah taking turns tackling each of us
• Pizza Hut for supper--a day off from my nemesis (cooking)
• playing Legos with Lego-lover Natey
• protection during a big car accident on my way to the ski hill---for guard rails, guardian angels, and God-sent helpers (a lady named TJ) to pull me out of the ditch
• alone-time in the ski lodge...and snacking on cheesy fries
• catching up on photo albums
• snuggling with my very sick baby; not even minding all the puke and poop
• gluten-free pizza a Dominos
• watching an old black and white movie with the boys:  "The Song of Bernadette"
• Sleepy-time Tea
• going to Trinity adoration chapel on Thursdays as a family:  the best family tradition ever
• Nathanael singing "Jesus I Adore You" as he gazes at Jesus in the tabernacle
• Qdoba on Sundays after church
• a patient husband, willing to start over and over and over again with me as I learn how to love
• my spiritual director who affirms my soul and gives me hope to keep trying
• veiling at Mass for Jesus, falling more in love with Him despite the embarrassment that I feel