Some Poem

Sometimes the depth of my shallowness drowns me
Sometimes the breadth of my narrow-mindedness confounds me
Somehow the invisible thread of mercy I cling to holds me
Somehow He loves me despite me
Someday His arms will surround me
Somehow that's enough for me

Poem Explained

Perhaps it would be fruitful to explain the thoughts behind the last poem I posted, just to clarify that I do not regret getting married or having these beautiful boys the Lord has given my husband and me.  That is not the case at all.

However, I do go through periods of wondering who I am because, in reality, a mother gives all of herself to her vocation of wife and mother.  We sacrifice our wants (and sometimes even our needs) in order to nurture the souls placed in our care.  This sacrifice feels very natural to me and I know it is what I am called to do, but at times, I do feel like I've lost myself.  Sometimes I grieve a little bit over the talents I once thought I would use to do great things in this world, talents like oil painting, flute and guitar playing, Spanish speaking, picture taking, creative writing, and even sill things like ballet dancing.  I no longer have time for many of those talents, nor do I think I am meant to use any of them for any grandiose purpose anymore.

Perhaps God will allow me to use my talents and hobbies in small ways for His glory, and I'm learning to be OK with that.  Mother Teresa reminds me that I don't have to do great things, only small things with great love, and I can still do that as a mother.  I may have lost some of my talents, or the time to use them, but I have not lost the ability to love.  I can do that nearly every second of the day--I can love by changing a stinky diaper with a smile, by making a meal for a friend in need, by snuggling with a son whose heart is hurting...the list of little ways to love goes on forever.

It is true that some days I grieve over lost talents and dreams--like being a missionary in a 3rd world country, or being a great homeschooling mom, or leading the music ministry at church, or writing inspiring articles to convert even an atheist's soul, or painting masterpieces that would point people's hearts towards God... But lately God is teaching me to be content with being little.  In fact, I prayed the other day that I could become so little that I could fit into Jesus' side and hide within his glowing heart.  That dream I will hang onto to, for as long as I am found in His heart, I know I will not be lost.  And that's good enough for little me.

Lost and Found

Somewhere between "I do" and baby #5
I found myself lost.
No one told me that loving
came at such a cost.
I didn't realize it was happening--
just discovered it one day.
Giving myself to so many
my "self" went away.
So who am I now I wonder?
Who am I supposed to be?
I asked this to my Savior who said,
"You're lost and found in Me."

a poem (reposted)

I've had a challenging couple of weeks with many tears falling and various insecurities rising.  This old poem I penned awhile back resurfaced in my mind, so perhaps I'm supposed to re-post again for myself or anyone else out there feeling like life is hard...



when marriage is hard
look into the faces of your children
see your husband's reflection there
yes, you'd say "I do" all over again


when parenting is hard
look into the face of your helpmate
see his strength and encouraging smile
yes, together you can shape their tiny souls


when life is hard
look into the face of your Savior on the cross
see the love poured out with the blood
yes, you can suffer for He taught you how

a prayer/poem

 

Sacred Heart of Jesus,

draw me nearer to Thee

my heart has grown cold

from bitterness set me free

through Your unquenchable flames

warm the chill, melt the numb

I know Your love is enough

all I need is to simply come

 

Sacred Heart of Jesus

in Your pierced wound heal me

for my heart has been broken

from neglect and vanity

with your burning love

consume my heart torn in two

replace it with Yours

that I may start anew

I know I am no great poet, but writing poetry is therapy for my soul, no matter how silly and amateur my words may be.  As you can tell in my rhyme, my heart has been a bit heavy lately.  It's the same old cross, but perhaps the baby blues and lack of sleep make it feel heavier than usual.  I'm praying for the grace to carry it with perseverance and joy, knowing that it can make me more like my suffering Savior and closer to His merciful heart.  I recently came across a quote from my favorite saint, Therese the Little Flower, which gave me great hope:  "Let us remain very remote from all that glitters.  Let us love our littleness; let us love to feel nothing.  Then we shall be poor in spirit, and Jesus will come seeking us, however far away we are.  He will transform us into flames of love!  Often we are saddened here by the very thing which will be the cause of our eternal happiness above." 

When God clearly has too much confidence in you...

When God has more confidence in you than you have in yourself,

He sends you two pink lines instead of one

because double lines leads to double the trust in Him.

When God loves you more than you can comprehend,

He gives you a task you don't think you can handle

because He wants to show you that you can--with Him.

When God gives you a gift you can't unwrap right away,

you simply say "thank you, thank you, thank you"

as you pray and wait to hold that present from above.

P.S. Please pray for me my blogging friends, pray for a healthy baby and for peace for this overwhelmed heart of mine.  I feel like an emotional train-wreck this week (hormones, perhaps?)  Of course I am thrilled with this news, but I'm struggling with the fear of miscarrying again, and also the reality of having 5 children with no family close by.  "Jesus, I trust in You" is perpetually on my lips.  I am due on May 5th, although I typically have my babies a week or more early.  We are all thrilled, and the boys say they are hoping for another boy--which would not surprise me in the least.  I would love having another baby boy, but I sure wouldn't be opposed to buying some pink either!  :)  God's will be done.  Thank you in advance for your prayers!

when life is hard

when marriage is hard
look into the faces of your children
see your husband's reflection there
yes, you'd marry him all over again


when parenting is hard
look into the face of your husband
see your helpmate's encouraging smile
yes, together you can shape their tiny souls


when life is hard
look into the face of your Savior on the cross
see the love poured out with the blood
yes, you can suffer for He taught you how

a poem

when shadows are cast upon every corner of your soul
and selfishness weighs your heart like lead
remember the sun waits to give its warmth
its rays peeking even through curtains drawn
hoping you will notice how it illuminates
and brings joyous light no darkness can drown
making even the simplest of wild flowers
burn wildly with tranforming, selfless love
radiantly happy just to glorify the sun

Womb Now Empty

A poem I wrote for a friend who I am grieving with today, as she has grieved with me in the past (sadly, more than once for each of us). And for all mothers who have also borne the cross of miscarriage...

Womb Now Empty

Womb now empty
Eyes brimming full
Questions without answers
Why given then taken, tiny soul?

Emotions so myriad,
Heart too numb to share
Flee to an inner cloister
A few friends welcome there

Cradle to be barren
Tiny saint in heaven instead
Comforting is the thought
Still many tears are shed

Womb now empty
But heart stretching full
Soon in Heaven reunited
Mother and child, same goal