Pieces Found...Assembly Required

Perhaps some of you remember my depressing little post awhile back about how I feel like I'm missing something in my life which is depriving me of the joy I know God wants me to have. Well, I'm starting to believe that God ordained this time on bedrest for me to find those missing pieces. I guess He had to force me to be still so that I could hear His still, small voice. In my prayer time, some recurring themes keep coming to me, and I really believe they are the answers to my search for joy and deeper meaning in my life:

• Clothe myself in humility---until selflove disappears



• Be grateful for all things---especially my crosses



• Cultivate a deeper prayer life---make no excuses



• Fill my hunger with heavenly food, the Eucharist---more than once a week
  

Now that I've found the pieces, I need to pray for the grace to assemble them into my life... Perhaps God will give me the assembly instructions during the remainder of my time on bedrest. Two weeks down, 3 more weeks to go! :)

A Little Wisdom from the Little Flower

Today is the feast day of one of my favorite saints, St. Therese the Little Flower, and as I sit here on bedrest, I was so encouraged by the following insights into the life of this young saint who found her way closer to Christ's heart by embracing her crosses like Christ embraced his. Her "little way" to holiness (which is what her spirituality is affectionately called) has helped so many souls like myself in a very big way.

"I prefer the monotony of obscure sacrifice to all ecstasies. To pick up a pin for love can convert a soul." These are the words of Therese of the Child Jesus, a Carmelite nun called the "Little Flower," who lived a cloistered life of obscurity in the convent of Lisieux, France. And her preference for hidden sacrifice did indeed convert souls. Few saints of God are more popular than this young nun. Her autobiography, The Story of a Soul, is read and loved throughout the world. Thérèse Martin entered the convent at the age of 15 and died in 1897 at the age of 24.

Life in a Carmelite convent is indeed uneventful and consists mainly of prayer and hard domestic work. But Thérèse possessed that holy insight that redeems the time, however dull that time may be. She saw in quiet suffering redemptive suffering, suffering that was indeed her apostolate. Thérèse said she came to the Carmel convent "to save souls and pray for priests." And shortly before she died, she wrote: "I want to spend my heaven doing good on earth." Many believe she is living up to those words when she helps those who ask for her powerful intercession. Many Catholics even claim to have received real roses sent from St. Therese when they have asked for her heavenly assistance. On October 19, 1997, Pope John Paul II proclaimed her a Doctor of the Church, the third woman to be so recognized in light of her holiness and the influence of her teaching on spirituality in the Church.

Thérèse has much to teach our culture. We have become a dangerously self-centered people, painfully aware of the need to be fulfilled, yet knowing we are not. Thérèse, like so many saints, sought to serve others, to do something outside herself, to forget herself in quiet acts of love. She is one of the great examples of the gospel paradox that we gain our life by losing it, and that the seed that falls to the ground must die in order to live (see John 12).

Preoccupation with self separates modern men and women from God, from their fellow human beings and ultimately from themselves. We must relearn to forget ourselves, to contemplate a God who draws us out of ourselves and to serve others as the ultimate expression of selfhood. These are the insights of St. Thérèse of Lisieux, and they are more valid today than ever.

All her life St. Thérèse suffered from illness. As a young girl she underwent a three-month malady characterized by violent crises, extended delirium and prolonged fainting spells. Afterwards she was ever frail and yet she worked hard in the laundry and refectory of the convent. Psychologically, she endured prolonged periods of darkness when the light of faith seemed all but extinguished. The last year of her life she slowly wasted away from tuberculosis. And yet shortly before her death on September 30 she murmured, "I would not suffer less."

Truly she was a valiant woman who did not whimper about her illnesses and anxieties. Here was a person who saw the power of love, that divine alchemy which can change everything, including weakness and illness, into service and redemptive power for others. Is it any wonder that she is patroness of the missions? Who else but those who embrace suffering with their love really convert the world?

St. Therese of Lisieux, pray for us!

Spotlight on Joseph

Our eldest son turned 9 this month, how can this be? How can I capture his personality in words? Perhaps these pictures will help...

He is so sweet that he makes everyone's heart around him simply glow. As you can see from his cake if you look closely, he's very into fishing right now. He was thrilled to get some new lures for his birthday, and he dreams of catching a feisty northern pike someday.

To his daddy's delight, he also seems to be taking a liking to hunting. But to his daddy's dismay, he can outshoot his old man at this new Big Buck Hunter game that he received.

Did I mention he likes hunting? This new compound bow is for target practice, and he can't wait to go archery hunting in just a few years with his daddy to see all his practice pay off.

Joseph also has a keen insight, understanding, and passion for all things holy. This month he became trained as an altar server. Our church takes this seriously...as well they should...for the Eucharist, the Real Presence of Jesus on that altar, is "the source and summit of the Christian life" (Catechism of the Catholic Church #1324). The servers were trained to treat their tasks in assisting the priest with awe and reverence, and it really was a tear-jerking sight for this mother to behold. I had to smile, though, when it was Joseph's turn to prepare the altar...he was so serious, so solemn, so...short. :) And that's OK. That big altar makes everyone look small, and I know that Joseph is growing in wisdom and stature just as God wills him to grow. :)

Here is Joseph as a candle holder, walking to surround the pulpit while the priest proclaims the Liturgy of the Word. Once again, the altar servers have such an important role in elevating the Gospel readings to a more majestic level with their presence. The altar servers with their flickering candles draw the congregation's attention to the fact that something special is about to happen...God's holy Word is about to be proclaimed..."so quit daydreaming and listen up" is the message their silent presence sends. In theory, anyway :)

Yes, indeed, we have a special son. And whether he becomes a Navy pilot, a professional fly-fisherman, a hunting guide for trophy elk, or a humble and holy priest, he will always be our sweet child who makes our hearts glow with love.

Thank you, Lord, for our birthday boy and all the children you have blessed us with. Please keep them in Your care, keep them close to Your heart, and keep them always on the path that leads to Life Eternal. Amen.

Terbutalized---Day 6

Well, now that the preterm labor chaos has settled a bit and I'm stuck on bedrest with all this time on my hands, I thought I'd give an update on my condition. Today is day 6 of bedrest, and I'm still adjusting to this situation that I never thought I'd be in. I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude that our baby is still safe and sound in my womb rather than a premie in a NICU, but I am also struggling with accepting my circumstance with complete trust and joy. God must have a reason for bringing me to this place, and I am striving to use this time for much prayer, edifying reading, and resting in His Spirit. But it's a struggle to be still. I used to think bedrest sounded like a glorious retreat...but it's not when you have a house full of boys you feel you should be caring for, a 40 Days for Life campaign you're supposed to be leading, a body filled with medication that makes you feel lousy, and a precious baby in the womb that you're constantly worrying will come too soon. One enormous blessing is that help is already here (my mother-in-law) and more is on the way (my mom). What a huge burden lifted off my shoulders (and my dear husband's shoulders!) to have family here taking care of literally everything...cooking, cleaning, school drop-off, school pick-up, kids' bathtime, packing lunches, bringing me my meals in bed, and countless other tasks. I feel silly laying in this bed listening to all the chores being done around me; it is hard to be served when it feels like I should be serving. But this is God's will, and I'm slowly learning to embrace it.

My biggest cross so far has been adjusting to the medication I am on. My OB prescribed 5mg of terbutaline every 4 hours to keep the contractions at bay. Terbutaline is not my friend. We do not get along. It is a nasty little pill that makes me feel like I'm about to have a heart attack. It relaxes all the muscles in my body so that I feel weak, but at the same time it gives the feeling of having 50 cups of coffee in my system. My heart races, my hands shake, and it's hard to rest or settle my thoughts. Quite honestly, it makes me irritable, which is no fun for anyone :) I've been doing lots of research on the internet regarding preterm labor, and one of the titles given to my condition is called "Irritable Uterus," which made me chuckle at how accurately that describes me these days----irritable and with an obvious uterus :) I tried for a day and a half to stop taking the drug, but my contractions started becoming more intense again, so I had to revert back to the "terbutalized me." My OB did allow me to try taking a half a dose, in conjunction with a new drug call Slo-Mag, which my system seems to be tolerating much better. The nasty side effects are greatly reduced, thank goodness! I now have to wait and see if the new combination of drugs will sufficiently keep the contractions under control, otherwise I'll have to go back to the full dose. Right now I am still having fairly frequent contractions...about 4 an hour...especially if I get up to use the bathroom or change positions in bed. But the good news is that I am still not dilating or effacing at all. The bad news is that I will be on bedrest for another 5 weeks, until I am 36 weeks gestation. I am praying fervently that our little guy will stay in there that long. The hospital here will not even deliver babies who are below 35 weeks because we have no NICU--I would have to get life-flighted to Great Falls or Missoula if I went into preterm labor that couldn't be stopped. I know this small cross of bedrest will be so worth it once I see his perfect little face. And I also firmly believe that many fruits can come from suffering when we accept it as God's will, unite it with Jesus' suffering on the cross, and offer it up as we pray for ourselves and others. As Pope John Paul II said, "Prayer joined to sacrifice constitutes the most powerful force in human history." I just need to remember to join my sacrifice with prayer, rather than whining and feeling sorry for myself :}

I came across this article that described so simply the value of suffering. It really encouraged me and perhaps it will encourage you or someone else you know who is struggling with the cross they have been asked to carry...

(Q): Why does God allow us to suffer? What value is there in suffering?
(A): Sometimes God allows suffering in order for us to realize that there is more to this world than the present and that we need a Savior. So in some ways God uses suffering to get our attention. He may use an illness to slow down the pace of our life in order that we may see what we are truly missing--Him! It is only when we at our lowest that we sometimes look beyond ourselves and see Him and His ways.

The saints' lives were surrounded in suffering. God used their suffering in a powerful way--to imitate Him and His suffering. For just as Jesus suffered for our sins and for the conversion of our souls, he allows chosen souls on earth to suffer in the same way. A powerful example of the value of suffering can be found in Saint Faustina's Diary, Divine Mercy in My Soul. She states, "Oh, if only the suffering soul knew how much God loves it, it would die of joy and excess of happiness! Someday, we will know the value of suffering, but then we will no longer be able to suffer. The present moment is ours." (693)

Q): Why is suffering easier for the saints?
(A): This is a very easy question. Instead of focusing on themselves and their own misfortunes, the saints kept their eyes focused on God and Heaven. They were focused on eternity, not this life that passes in a blink of an eye. The saints accepted their suffering and abandoned themselves totally to God. God in return sent them graces that transformed their suffering into joy.

Maybe not everyone is chosen to suffer for God to the extent of the saints. God chooses whom He wants to suffer for Him. We can imitate the saints however, and offer what suffering we do experience in our everyday lives for others; whether it be persecution at work, a headache, dryness in prayer, etc. Some may want to offer their sufferings for a certain cause, such as the conversion of sinners, priests, the end of abortion, or other worthwhile intentions. As Pope Pius XII encourages us, "Offer Jesus your sufferings according to all the intentions for which he continually offers himself on the altars of our churches. Your sacrifice, united to the sacrifice of Jesus, will bring many sinners back to the Father."

There are a lot of people who are suffering in this world for unjust causes. Sometimes it is very difficult to understand why God allows such suffering. To be chosen by God to imitate His suffering shows how much He loves us. As Christians, we are taught to believe and have faith without seeing. For many of us it may be hard to see God's love in our suffering. One might say, "God can't hug me and make me feel better, " or "I want to be comforted by Him and I can't even see Him! How am I supposed to accept this suffering?" The question God might ask you is "Did you ask me? Did you ask me to help you accept your suffering?" If these examples apply to you, try saying from your heart, "Lord, I know my condition is one of suffering and I must learn to live with it. Please give me the grace to see Your love for me in my suffering and give me the grace to suffer with joy for Your intentions." If you pray to God in this way every day, you will find a peace that will accompany your suffering. You will be strengthened in a way you never believed possible. You cannot become a saint by letting God do all the work; you must pray and ask Him for this grace.

A good quote upon which to meditate is from Romans 8:17-18 which states; "but if we are sons, we are heirs also: heirs indeed of God and joint heirs with Christ, provided, however, we suffer with him that we may also be glorified with him. For I reckon that the sufferings of the present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory to come that will be revealed in us."

So the next time we feel pain, sadness, overwhelming loneliness, desperation or anxiety, rejoice! Yes, rejoice! God has chosen us to imitate in His sufferings. God has given all of us the opportunity to unite with Him and become saints. Everything that God gives to us has a purpose. Suffering should not be blamed for stripping us of every minute or hour of our life. No! Suffering is a precious gift from God. The gift that molds ordinary men and women into saints. We can choose to feel sorry for ourselves or we can choose to make our sufferings worth while. It is our choice.

Mathematical Prayer Request

Preterm labor at 30 weeks +
Strict bedrest for the next 5 weeks +
Drugs that make me feel weak and jittery =
Please pray for me, baby, and our family.

Dominic's Day!

Oh my goodness, the bittersweetness of this day simply takes my breath away... My baby started preschool! Good thing another baby is on the way to fill my all too quiet home! Dominic sure made this day easy on my heart, though. It was as if he was born for this day. He's been waiting to start school since last fall when Joseph and Michael started school and he realized that school is what big boys do. Last fall he was bitter that I did not consider him a big enough boy, but this year I knew it was time. He was ready---even if mommy was not. His giddiness all day made it easy for me to let him spread his wings a bit, and it also confirmed that this was a good decision for both of us this year. Good for Dominic because he gets to feel special and big and learn and play with friends. Good for me because I get to prepare for a new baby and bond with our new baby and hopefully nap with the baby while my three big boys are at school having fun :) "Thank you, Lord, for this beautiful day that you have made and my happy preschooler who made this mommy's heart nearly burst with bittersweet pride today."

First-day-of-school jitters? NOPE. Separation anxiety? NOT AN OUNCE.


Dominic was delighted to find his name and the hook for his backpack!

Here is Dominic listening intently to his teacher read "The Kissing Hand."

Dominic loved showing off his big boy skills on the playground! He was totally miffed why a few of the other kids were clinging to their parent's leg and didn't want to play :}

Dominic was very proud of his first school project--a place mat to use for snack-time. I hope he will love looking at our family picture to remind him how much he is loved.

I love you my sweet, handsome, growing up too fast, PRESCHOOLER!

Grand Finale in Glacier

Summer has quickly come to a close in Montana. There's a chill in the air and our children are back in school. But I am so grateful for the grand finale that we were able to experience in Glacier before diving into another busy year. We spent a glorious week camping at Many Glacier on the north-east side of the park, and I tried to bring home the highlights in megapixels for you to enjoy...

Every day we did some hiking, and boy were our boys troopers! This particular photograph was taken on our hike to Red Rock Falls. We never actually made it all the way to the falls because 30 minutes prior to our arrival at this spot a male grizzly swam all the way across this lake and nearly attacked a husband and wife who were flyfishing right by the falls. The couple escaped unharmed, but the bear tore apart the wife's flyfishing vest that she left behind. Needless to say, we happily viewed the falls from the edge of this lake and counted our blessing that we weren't 30 minutes earlier to meet the bear up close and personal.

This is Many Glacier Hotel. I tell ya what, if we didn't have a camper and if money grew on the tree in our backyard, this is where I'd stay. It is gorgeous and rustic and has been around since Glacier became a national park, and did I mention they have a great coffee shop and sell the most amazing soft-serve huckleberry ice cream which you can eat while viewing the most amazing scenery in North America? Seriously. It's the place to stay if you're going to come visit us in Montana. We'll sleep in the camper and then come visit you at the hotel every afternoon for coffe and ice cream :)

Here are the boys taking a snack break on a hike at the top of Logan Pass. We nicknamed this spot "Snack Rock," and apparently we weren't the only ones who liked this location...

We literally got chased off the rock by this big billy goat. I don't think he was really "gruff," he just wanted to share the boys' tasty snack.

It was fun to watch him lick the crumbs off the rock that we left behind.

The hikes at Logan Pass are notorious for wildlife sightings, and not just distant sightings, we're talking 10 feet away sightings of mountain goats who casually share the trails with hikers and allow giddy wanna-be photographers like me to take pictures of them to their heart's content...which of course I did.

So now you have to humor me and look at a few of the "wild" mountain goat photos that I took. They sure look wild don't they? Ha! More like sweet goats at a petting zoo, but it was thrilling nonetheless.

Here's a beautiful momma goat and her kid. Momma doesn't look too impressed with me snapping my camera at her while she's trying to eat.

"Ya lady, give it rest and go take a hike or something," says momma billy goat.

So we hiked some more and stumbled upon some big horn sheep. This one we got to watch run down the mountain and across our trail just yards away! What a thrill!

Here he is a little bit more zoomed in---just in case you wanted a closer look :)

We also got to see grizzly bear nearly every day---thankfully from the safety of our car. I was astonished how close the bears came to the road and didn't seem phased by all the people gawking at them and taking pictures. One of the trailheads near this spot was closed for hikers because of a momma grizzly and her cubs who had taken a liking to this area in the past weeks. We were glad once again not to meet these massive bears on any hikes, but rather view them from the safety of our car (but wait a minute...who's the idiot taking the picture of the viewers in the car?) :}

Not sure if you can see what's happening in this picture or not, so I'll give you a play-by-play. On the far left, a momma grizzly and her two cubs were happily munching on whatever it is they munch on. Numerous people stopped to watch and take photos for a very long time, when suddenly on the far right, a male grizzly enters the scene causing momma griz and cubs to stand up and do a stare-down-contest. Bystanders are edgy and think there will be a confrontation. Momma bear quickly ends the suspense by scooting her little ones off stage to the left...smark momma. Bystanders remain to watch the male grizzly and take photos for a very long time again. The end. I wish I could capture how exciting it was to watch the scene as it really unfolded, but blogging just doesn't cut it...sorry :)

Glacier was not only filled with creatures "Great," but also creatures "Small" who were just as delightful to the boys and my camera :)

The boys tell me this is an orb web spider. I believe them and have to admit that even spiders look pretty when you're viewing them in Glacier.

When we weren't hiking and enjoying the wildlife, we played a fun game called "Chuck-O" that Grandma Jean bought for us (thank you Grandma Jean!!!) The two older boys are truly getting to the age where they are real competition for their daddy, so Paul enjoyed playing just as much as they did! Dominic still just likes playing in the dirt :)

Or the kids road their bikes around the campground or sat by the campfire in the new chairs that Uncle Dann and Aunt Rachel bought them (thank you DnR!!!) The boys are patiently waiting for me to go get the Smores ingredients, but taking pictures of them is more fun :)

And here are just some sweet photos of our family while in Glacier for you to enjoy... Hope some of you can come visit someday and we'll take you to Glacier so you can see all these wonders for yourself!

Smiley Dominic...

Handsome Joseph...

And sweet, silly Michael all think that you should come see them soon! :)