Terbutalized---Day 6

Well, now that the preterm labor chaos has settled a bit and I'm stuck on bedrest with all this time on my hands, I thought I'd give an update on my condition. Today is day 6 of bedrest, and I'm still adjusting to this situation that I never thought I'd be in. I have an overwhelming sense of gratitude that our baby is still safe and sound in my womb rather than a premie in a NICU, but I am also struggling with accepting my circumstance with complete trust and joy. God must have a reason for bringing me to this place, and I am striving to use this time for much prayer, edifying reading, and resting in His Spirit. But it's a struggle to be still. I used to think bedrest sounded like a glorious retreat...but it's not when you have a house full of boys you feel you should be caring for, a 40 Days for Life campaign you're supposed to be leading, a body filled with medication that makes you feel lousy, and a precious baby in the womb that you're constantly worrying will come too soon. One enormous blessing is that help is already here (my mother-in-law) and more is on the way (my mom). What a huge burden lifted off my shoulders (and my dear husband's shoulders!) to have family here taking care of literally everything...cooking, cleaning, school drop-off, school pick-up, kids' bathtime, packing lunches, bringing me my meals in bed, and countless other tasks. I feel silly laying in this bed listening to all the chores being done around me; it is hard to be served when it feels like I should be serving. But this is God's will, and I'm slowly learning to embrace it.

My biggest cross so far has been adjusting to the medication I am on. My OB prescribed 5mg of terbutaline every 4 hours to keep the contractions at bay. Terbutaline is not my friend. We do not get along. It is a nasty little pill that makes me feel like I'm about to have a heart attack. It relaxes all the muscles in my body so that I feel weak, but at the same time it gives the feeling of having 50 cups of coffee in my system. My heart races, my hands shake, and it's hard to rest or settle my thoughts. Quite honestly, it makes me irritable, which is no fun for anyone :) I've been doing lots of research on the internet regarding preterm labor, and one of the titles given to my condition is called "Irritable Uterus," which made me chuckle at how accurately that describes me these days----irritable and with an obvious uterus :) I tried for a day and a half to stop taking the drug, but my contractions started becoming more intense again, so I had to revert back to the "terbutalized me." My OB did allow me to try taking a half a dose, in conjunction with a new drug call Slo-Mag, which my system seems to be tolerating much better. The nasty side effects are greatly reduced, thank goodness! I now have to wait and see if the new combination of drugs will sufficiently keep the contractions under control, otherwise I'll have to go back to the full dose. Right now I am still having fairly frequent contractions...about 4 an hour...especially if I get up to use the bathroom or change positions in bed. But the good news is that I am still not dilating or effacing at all. The bad news is that I will be on bedrest for another 5 weeks, until I am 36 weeks gestation. I am praying fervently that our little guy will stay in there that long. The hospital here will not even deliver babies who are below 35 weeks because we have no NICU--I would have to get life-flighted to Great Falls or Missoula if I went into preterm labor that couldn't be stopped. I know this small cross of bedrest will be so worth it once I see his perfect little face. And I also firmly believe that many fruits can come from suffering when we accept it as God's will, unite it with Jesus' suffering on the cross, and offer it up as we pray for ourselves and others. As Pope John Paul II said, "Prayer joined to sacrifice constitutes the most powerful force in human history." I just need to remember to join my sacrifice with prayer, rather than whining and feeling sorry for myself :}

I came across this article that described so simply the value of suffering. It really encouraged me and perhaps it will encourage you or someone else you know who is struggling with the cross they have been asked to carry...

(Q): Why does God allow us to suffer? What value is there in suffering?
(A): Sometimes God allows suffering in order for us to realize that there is more to this world than the present and that we need a Savior. So in some ways God uses suffering to get our attention. He may use an illness to slow down the pace of our life in order that we may see what we are truly missing--Him! It is only when we at our lowest that we sometimes look beyond ourselves and see Him and His ways.

The saints' lives were surrounded in suffering. God used their suffering in a powerful way--to imitate Him and His suffering. For just as Jesus suffered for our sins and for the conversion of our souls, he allows chosen souls on earth to suffer in the same way. A powerful example of the value of suffering can be found in Saint Faustina's Diary, Divine Mercy in My Soul. She states, "Oh, if only the suffering soul knew how much God loves it, it would die of joy and excess of happiness! Someday, we will know the value of suffering, but then we will no longer be able to suffer. The present moment is ours." (693)

Q): Why is suffering easier for the saints?
(A): This is a very easy question. Instead of focusing on themselves and their own misfortunes, the saints kept their eyes focused on God and Heaven. They were focused on eternity, not this life that passes in a blink of an eye. The saints accepted their suffering and abandoned themselves totally to God. God in return sent them graces that transformed their suffering into joy.

Maybe not everyone is chosen to suffer for God to the extent of the saints. God chooses whom He wants to suffer for Him. We can imitate the saints however, and offer what suffering we do experience in our everyday lives for others; whether it be persecution at work, a headache, dryness in prayer, etc. Some may want to offer their sufferings for a certain cause, such as the conversion of sinners, priests, the end of abortion, or other worthwhile intentions. As Pope Pius XII encourages us, "Offer Jesus your sufferings according to all the intentions for which he continually offers himself on the altars of our churches. Your sacrifice, united to the sacrifice of Jesus, will bring many sinners back to the Father."

There are a lot of people who are suffering in this world for unjust causes. Sometimes it is very difficult to understand why God allows such suffering. To be chosen by God to imitate His suffering shows how much He loves us. As Christians, we are taught to believe and have faith without seeing. For many of us it may be hard to see God's love in our suffering. One might say, "God can't hug me and make me feel better, " or "I want to be comforted by Him and I can't even see Him! How am I supposed to accept this suffering?" The question God might ask you is "Did you ask me? Did you ask me to help you accept your suffering?" If these examples apply to you, try saying from your heart, "Lord, I know my condition is one of suffering and I must learn to live with it. Please give me the grace to see Your love for me in my suffering and give me the grace to suffer with joy for Your intentions." If you pray to God in this way every day, you will find a peace that will accompany your suffering. You will be strengthened in a way you never believed possible. You cannot become a saint by letting God do all the work; you must pray and ask Him for this grace.

A good quote upon which to meditate is from Romans 8:17-18 which states; "but if we are sons, we are heirs also: heirs indeed of God and joint heirs with Christ, provided, however, we suffer with him that we may also be glorified with him. For I reckon that the sufferings of the present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory to come that will be revealed in us."

So the next time we feel pain, sadness, overwhelming loneliness, desperation or anxiety, rejoice! Yes, rejoice! God has chosen us to imitate in His sufferings. God has given all of us the opportunity to unite with Him and become saints. Everything that God gives to us has a purpose. Suffering should not be blamed for stripping us of every minute or hour of our life. No! Suffering is a precious gift from God. The gift that molds ordinary men and women into saints. We can choose to feel sorry for ourselves or we can choose to make our sufferings worth while. It is our choice.