Searching for my Happy Place

Perhaps you've noticed that I often blog about "joy" and "thankfulness."  Well, to be honest, that's because those two things are often very hard for me to find, especially this past year.  Perhaps this may surprise some people.  I mean look at our family picture...I have 6 great reasons sitting beside me to make my heart filled with joy to overflowing!  But for some reason I just can't hang onto the joy for very long.  It's like trying to catch autumn leaves falling from the trees.  The leaves are beautiful, in every shade of joy you can imagine, but they just keep slipping through my grasping fingers.  If I was to be totally honest with myself and my readers, I would say that I am probably going through one of the following:

1)  depression
2)  a vitamin or hormone deficiency
3)  a dark night of the soul
4)  or perhaps all of the above

Aside from my tears and moodiness, another indicator that something is askew is that my cycles have been very abnormal since their post-partum return about 4 months ago.  For those of you who are NFP savvy, I would explain my cycles as having a crazy-short luteal phase (only 2 or 3 days long!), which my NFP instructor tells me could indicate that I am very low in progesterone.  This wouldn't be the first time I have been told that.  After my 3 miscarriages, I found out that I have extremely low progesterone and I have to take supplements to sustain my pregnancies.  So perhaps my body is low in progesterone all the time?  I finally decided it's time to find out.  I've been searching for my "happy place" for so long, in so many different ways, but, for the most part, by myself.  I've wanted to win this battle for joy by my faith alone, but perhaps like a good Catholic it requires faith AND works...(hee hee--poor theology humor--sorry).  Seriously, though, I think I can finally admit that I need some extra help.  So, I made an appointment to see my OBGyn on Monday to get some testing done and to see what wisdom she might impart.  I'm hopeful, but also apprehensive.  What if she tells me something I don't want to hear?  Am I humble enough to accept her advice and to take medication if need be?   Or perhaps there is nothing clinically wrong and God is just calling me to carry this cross for the good of my soul for a season?  If you could spare a prayer or two, please send some my way...that I can figure out what is causing these clouds in my sky (or for the grace to simply accept them).  I'm ready to see some sunshine again.

In the meantime, I'll just keep walking in faith through this difficult season, counting my blessings as I go, and continue to search for my happy place. 

Perhaps it's just around the bend, or perhaps it's been beside me, in front of me, within me, and all around me all along.

 

A Special Visit

Last week was a special treat!  Not only did my parents come to visit, but also my sweet brother Jon, his beautiful wife, Debbie, and their adorable son, Evan.  The original intent for their visit was to be here to lend a hand while Paul was gone for a week of work training in Dallas.  However, due to the government shut-down, my husband's trip was cancelled, so it was an extra blessing to have ALL of us together!  The visit was way too short, but very, very sweet!  Here are some of the highlights:


Family photo shoot:
I was able to get a very sweet family shot of Jon, Debbie, and Evan!  Their little guy is often very serious, so they were delighted to get a picture of him smiling for the camera.  And I was delighted that Debbie was willing to take a family photo of our family while my brother and my parents worked hard behind the camera trying to make our boys smile.  With a family of 7, it's very rare to get everyone looking at the camera and smiling, so I was pleased (well, mostly).  But I have to admit that I was a bit disappointed with the lighting in the picture (it was too bright and sunny when we took the shot, so we all look a bit washed-out...oh well...just another great opportunity for me to let go of my perfectionism, right?)  :o)  The picture turned out way better than it would have if I had used the timer button on my camera, which is how we normally get a family photo, so I am happy.

 

 

The Fish and Wildlife Museum:

This place was a big hit for both the young and the old!  It had lots on neat wildlife to look at; plus, it was filled with hands-on stuff for the little ones to play with.  It was not quite as cool as a big zoo, but I think it gave Jon's family a genuine Montana experience.

 



 

 

 

 

 

Lots of playing around:

Jon loved challenging the older boys to a few games of soccer; our boys were delighted to have an adult around who acted like a big kid!  The 1 and 2 year olds (Evan and Nathanael) loved having playmates their own age, and they were constantly playing with cars, trains, or airplanes---genuine boys, for sure.  Dominic was in heaven with plenty of people around willing to play cards or boardgames with him, which is his favorite thing in the world to do!  And Grandma was glowing just watching all of the fun had by all and being able to hold baby Isaiah at every opportunity!

 

 

 

 

Salmon Snagging:
Our boys were delighted that Grandpa Pat arrived at the perfect time of the year for salmon snagging, which only happens once a year when the mature salmon gather to spawn.  This was the first time our boys ever experienced this event, and they are hooked for life! 

 

 

 

Just Being Together:

It was such a joy just to be together no matter what we were doing.  Meal times were very special, and it was even more special because we could fit EVERYONE around our NEW table that we had custom build by the Amish.  The table arrived at the same time our company did, so the timing was perfect.  I love the table, and I loved it even more when it was surrounded by the people I love the most.  I sure wish all my family lived a few hours closer so we could gather around this table more often!

 



 

 

The Carousel:

Of course, the carousel is always a big hit for the littlest ones.  But even the big kids had a great time eating ice cream and trying to reach the brass ring to earn a free ride!

 



 

 

 

 

Thanks, Mom, Dad, and Jon for filling our week with treasured memories!

COME BACK SOON!

:o)

 

Pope Francis consecrates the world to Our Lady of Fatima

The National Catholic Register reported that tens of thousands of pilgrims from all over the world gathered under unseasonably warm and sunny weather in St. Peter’s Square on Sunday, October 13th, to witness Pope Francis consecrate the world to the Immaculate Heart of Mary.  The Holy Father performed the consecration before the image of Our Lady of Fatima which was brought from its shrine in Portugal, asking Mary’s help to “revive and grow faith” so that they may look after those who suffer. Oct. 13 marked the 96th anniversary since the Blessed Virgin Mary appeared to shepherd children Jacinta Marto, her younger brother Francisco and Lúcia dos Santos at Fatima. In front of an estimated 150,000 pilgrims, the Pope asked Mary to welcome the consecration “with the benevolence of a mother.”

To read more: http://www.ncregister.com/daily-news/pope-francis-consecrating-the-world-to-mary-culminates-fatima-celebration/#ixzz2i0ioZt3u

Below is the beautiful prayer of consecration the Pope shared with the world on Sunday.  I was blessed to pray this with a group of faith-filled Christians on the sidewalk of Planned Parenthood on Sunday as we consecrated our hearts to the Blessed Mother and asked her powerful intercession to help convert the hearts of all pro-choice people in the the world, especially the employees of our local Planned Parenthood clinic.  If you feel called to do so, please take a moment to pray this beautiful prayer, asking Our Lady to increase your faith, drawing you ever nearer to her Son so that you can faithfully do God's will in your life.

Holy Mary Virgin of Fatima,
with renewed gratitude for your maternal presence
we join our voice to that of all the generations
who call you blessed.

We celebrate in you the works of God,
who never tires of looking down with mercy
upon humanity, afflicted with the wound of sin,
to heal it and save it.

Accept with the benevolence of a Mother
the act of consecration that we perform today with confidence,
before this image of you that is so dear to us.

We are certain that each of us is precious in your eyes
and that nothing of all that lives in our hearts is unknown to you.
We let ourselves be touched by your most sweet regard
and we welcome the consoling caress of your smile.

Hold our life in your arms:
bless and strengthen every desire for good;
revive and nourish faith;
sustain and enlighten hope;
awaken and animate charity;
guide all of us along the path of holiness.

Teach us your own preferential love
for the little and the poor,
for the excluded and the suffering,
for sinners and the downhearted:
bring everyone under your protection
and entrust everyone to your beloved Son, Our Lord Jesus.
Amen.

 

Teton Lessons

Last week we took a family vacation to the Tetons.  I'm learning that family vacations can sure teach a lot of lessons...

Lessons like:


FINDING BEAUTY EVEN WHEN IT'S CLOUDY:
Basically, the entire trip was cold, cloudy, and rainy.  We came to see the gorgeous Tetons, you know the ones with the jagged peaks that you see on post cards?  Well, for most of the trip the entire mountain range was covered completely in clouds.  I did manage to get a few pictures of the mountains trying to peak out from the clouds on one of the less-cloudy days, and it reminded me of the truth that God, just like that majestic mountain range, is always present even when we can't see or feel Him.  We just need to trust that He's there and look very hard for glimpses of Him trying to peak through the cloudy areas of our lives.

 

LEARNING TO JUST BE HELD:
The main reason we went to the Tetons though, was not to see the majestic mountain range, it was to see this lovely lady:  Paul's Mom/a.k.a Grandma Jean.  It was wonderful to spend so much time with her and to watch her hold Isaiah at every possible moment.  Isaiah loved her arms.  What a precious reminder that we are God's little children and sometimes we just need to stop and let Him hold us, basking in the peace and love of His embrace.

FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT:
With the poor weather and the various stresses of traveling with small children, I was reminded of the phrase "fake it til you make it."  Sometimes, when things don't quite go the way you had planned, you just have to fake a positive attitude and trust that things will get better.  Christ calls us "to be joyful at ALL times" and "to be thankful in EVERY circumstance," which are words that have always been very hard for me to follow.  I'm a perfectionist, and when things don't go perfectly it's very easy for me to fall into the pit of despair.  Sometimes the only way to climb out of that proverbial pit is to fake that you aren't in a pit at all and force yourself to find things to be thankful for.  I have found that once I start mentally making a list of all my blessings, my attitude totally becomes more joy-filled. 

This group photo below is a great example of that concept.  For even though our trip didn't quite go as perfectly as I had planned, this picture is proof that it was still filled with abundant blessings.  Sure, the weather was crummy and we didn't get to go hiking or experience the breath-taking scenery of the Grand Tetons, but we were blessed to be with Grandma Jean and Grandpa Dick who spoiled us in every way possible, we got to swim in swimming pools and eat incredible meals, we got to jump on hotel beds and watch T.V., and, above all, we had each other--each imperfect member of our perfectly blessed family!   To combine colloquialisms, if you "fake it til you make it," eventually you discover that "you're too blessed to be stressed!"

 

 

Picture Day, Mommy's Way

I'm so frugal it drives me crazy sometimes...  But sometimes, my frugality turns out to be a blessing... like these pictures prove. 

I decided this year that I would not buy portraits from school picture day.  Why?  Two reasons: 
1)  the pictures are ridiculously expensive 
2) the pictures are marginal (at best) with a boring background and typically very cheesy smiles. 

So instead, I decided to take my handsome boys to a local lake and take pictures with my own camera.  It gave me great practice in taking better pictures and I was so pleased with the results.  I'm certainly no professional, but I think the photos turned out better than the generic school photos that Lifetouch takes at least.  I am hoping that this will become an annual tradition and that I will improve as a photographer each year as my boys grow up.  I was thankful, too, that the boys didn't whine or complain about me taking their photos.  It was actually a win-win situation because while I was happy taking their pictures, they were happy fishing and playing at the lake once I was done with the photo-shoot.  :o) 

Now, the only other thing my frugal heart wishes for is to get a nice family photo in the next week or two so that I can use them for our Christmas cards.  I'll keep ya posted, but for now, I hope you enjoy these handsome (dare I still call them adorable?) faces.  They sure make me smile and feel so blessed to be their mom!

JOSEPH

 

 

MICHAEL

 

DOMINIC

 

NATHANAEL

 

 

ISAIAH

My husband and me

Meet my husband and me...

After 13 years we are still in love.  However, it's not the love I imagined.  It's not the twitterpated, adoring, "I want to hold your hand at all times" kind of love that I loved seeing in the movies as a young girl.  Nope.  We have the sacramental, daily struggle, choosing to love by dying to self, "committed to never leaving you even though some days I'd like to" kind of love.  Oh it's hard. Harder than I ever imagined--ever.  But more rewarding too, perhaps the way a marathon runner must feel after a race.  Yes, my husband and me are in marathon love, racing and struggling every day for the finish line of heaven where we will finally be able to love each other perfectly.  To be honest, some days we want to quit.  Some days we fight.  Some days I cry.  Some days we want to throw our vows (and NFP--but that's a whole other topic!) out the window.  But we don't.  We are as different as two people could be.  He likes to shoot animals.  I like to take pictures of them.   He likes bitter beer.  I like sweet wine.  He is greying.  I am perpetually teenage-looking.  If he were a tree, he'd be a wise and sturdy oak.  I'd be a fragile weeping willow.  But we have one thing in common that holds us together when we feel like falling apart.  We are Catholic.  We love Jesus more than we love ourselves, more than we love each other, and somehow that gives us the grace to keep on loving each other.  How thankful I am for sacramental grace!  And how thankful I am that I married a Catholic long-distance runner who is in this marriage for the long haul. 

 

the bald and the beautiful

Our bald and beautiful Isaiah turns 5 months old this week!  It's funny how it seems like he's been in our family forever.  He truly fits right in and brings a precious element of joy to our chaos.  I have to admit my life has become quite a bit more stressful and chaotic as our family size has grown, but God has been faithful to supply enough grace for each day.  Sometimes it seems like He only provides enough grace for one day at a time, but still, at least the grace is there when it's needed.

So far, Isaiah's eyes continue to be a beautiful steely blue, but I wonder if he will transition to hazel eyes soon, like most of his brothers have.  He has lost most of his hair, but there is some new peach-fuzz that looks like it might be reddish/light brown like Nathanael's.  He smiles all of the time now, which is such a delight.  He has also figured out how to use his hands to grab toys, or to simply stick his fingers in his mouth.  He seems to be experimenting with trying to roll over, but has not yet successfully made it past his side.  His sleeping habits seem to be deteriorating.  I once bragged that he was my best sleeper ever, practically sleeping through the night at one month old, but these last couple of months he has been waking up numerous times to feed or to be comforted.  I wonder if it's teething or a growth spurt?  I wonder if I'm doing something wrong, but I don't know exactly what to change.  I've tried giving him bottles with formula, but he refuses them altogether.  I've also been trying some solids to help him sleep better, but so far he spits about 90% of it out each time I give him a bite.  Nevertheless, it is pretty sweet to nurse and snuggle with him throughout the night and try to get some prayer-time in as I doze on and off.  It's the only time I can get any praying done now that my life feels like a crazy circus during the day, so I try to consider it a gift. 

Yes, I'm learning it's all about perspective.  I need to focus on my gifts, on what's truly important, and that makes all the difference.  When I start to feel like I'm drowning, all I have to do is take one look at my bald and beautiful boys, and I'm immediately reminded how truly blessed I am!  :o)