Perhaps you've noticed that I often blog about "joy" and "thankfulness." Well, to be honest, that's because those two things are often very hard for me to find, especially this past year. Perhaps this may surprise some people. I mean look at our family picture...I have 6 great reasons sitting beside me to make my heart filled with joy to overflowing! But for some reason I just can't hang onto the joy for very long. It's like trying to catch autumn leaves falling from the trees. The leaves are beautiful, in every shade of joy you can imagine, but they just keep slipping through my grasping fingers. If I was to be totally honest with myself and my readers, I would say that I am probably going through one of the following:
1) depression
2) a vitamin or hormone deficiency
3) a dark night of the soul
4) or perhaps all of the above
Aside from my tears and moodiness, another indicator that something is askew is that my cycles have been very abnormal since their post-partum return about 4 months ago. For those of you who are NFP savvy, I would explain my cycles as having a crazy-short luteal phase (only 2 or 3 days long!), which my NFP instructor tells me could indicate that I am very low in progesterone. This wouldn't be the first time I have been told that. After my 3 miscarriages, I found out that I have extremely low progesterone and I have to take supplements to sustain my pregnancies. So perhaps my body is low in progesterone all the time? I finally decided it's time to find out. I've been searching for my "happy place" for so long, in so many different ways, but, for the most part, by myself. I've wanted to win this battle for joy by my faith alone, but perhaps like a good Catholic it requires faith AND works...(hee hee--poor theology humor--sorry). Seriously, though, I think I can finally admit that I need some extra help. So, I made an appointment to see my OBGyn on Monday to get some testing done and to see what wisdom she might impart. I'm hopeful, but also apprehensive. What if she tells me something I don't want to hear? Am I humble enough to accept her advice and to take medication if need be? Or perhaps there is nothing clinically wrong and God is just calling me to carry this cross for the good of my soul for a season? If you could spare a prayer or two, please send some my way...that I can figure out what is causing these clouds in my sky (or for the grace to simply accept them). I'm ready to see some sunshine again.
In the meantime, I'll just keep walking in faith through this difficult season, counting my blessings as I go, and continue to search for my happy place.
Perhaps it's just around the bend, or perhaps it's been beside me, in front of me, within me, and all around me all along.
Definitely prayers!!
ReplyDeleteWhile my melancholic temperament tends toward moodiness naturally, there are some things that I do to try and help--eating right (low grain, low/no sugar, low/no caffeine, lots of veggies, good multivitamin to fill on the gaps, fish oil supplement (I've also heard great things about D3 as a supplement). Getting checked for low progesterone. As of now I had good numbers in between pregnancies, but during pregnancy need supplement support. Other: walking, time outdoors, setting aside time for something that refreshes my soul--to re-group, having others that can encourage me, making the most of my prayer time.
Many prayers that some light is shed on this for you, my dear!
Thank you for your encouragement, advice, and prayers---I readily accept all three! Blessings to you!
DeleteI admire your courage and honesty in this blog and as a young (often struggling!) mom, I gain so much from your insights and graceful ways of dealing with life's challenges. I will pray that you find your joy again, especially before the long Montana winter hits. But in the meantime, I keep your intentions close in prayer. God bless you and your beautiful family. ~Beth H.
ReplyDeleteDear Maria,
ReplyDeleteI too can relate! Back in 2011-2012, I went through what felt like the "worst" months of my life...it was like a "hell on earth" with my hormones. I thought I was going crazy. Major mood swings, irritability, insomnia, depression, etc. etc and it was ongoing steady for about 8 or 9 months. I was going doctor hopping desperately looking for a physician that would treat my root cause and not just the symptoms. Most doctors wanted to prescribe me an antidepressant or contraception pill without seeking out (blood work, etc) the underlying problem. Until, by the grace of God, I found a wonderful Catholic practicing doctor who lead me in the right direction. Got lots of blood work done and found out that my progesterone levels were low as well as vitamin D. If your progesterone levels are low, ask for or seek a doctor who will prescribe the human identical version, a natural progesterone (not the synthetic which can increase risk of breast cancer) available through compounding pharmacies with a doctor's prescription. You may also want to have your thyroid levels checked out, for an imbalance can cause you to feel depressed and fatigue. Supportive friends, exercise, walking and the outdoors help(ed) me as well.... And of course lots of praying, time in Adoration and reading of books that give strong spiritual encouragement....but you already know this! =)
I will keep you in my prayers that you receive comfort and some relief soon. It's a tough cross to bear, especially when you have little ones to care for. God bless you!
Thanks for taking the time to share that wealth of info and support, Sonia! I had my appointment today and was quite dissappointed. The doctor didn't think it was necessary to check my progesterone levels and simply told me to use some progesterone cream and suggested an anti-depressant. I'm not comfortable with either of those suggestions, so I need to pray about what to do next. I'd love to chat more with you about how long you took the natural progesterone before you started to feel better. If you're comfortable sharing some more details with me, you can email me at pmhurlbert@gmail.com. Thanks again for your prayers and advice! God bless you, too!
Delete