it's been awhile...

Wow, I feel like it's been ages since I last posted something on my blog.  Partly that is due to the beginning-of-the-school-year-craziness, and partly because this pregnancy has made me so nauseous and emotional that I don't really know how to express my thoughts very well right now.  Feeling like you have the flu 24/7 kinda squelches one's creativity and talkativeness...  :} 

I also feel like I am dragging around a very heavy cross right now that I have not learned how to shoulder courageously or joyfully yet, and it's hard for me to talk about it...because I would just sound whiny and insecure and selfish (which I know I am but I don't want you to know that).  Plus, complaining about one's cross is probably a sin, so I think it's best if I remain silent on the issue and simply ask you to pray that I learn to find joy and healing as I learn to unite my tiny suffering with the Lord's incomprehensible passion.  And just for the record, this precious little baby growing inside me is not my cross...he or she is a joy and a blessing to me!  I suppose it might be true that all the pregnancy hormones racing through my body have caused this old cross of mine to feel more sliver-ish and heavy, but I know this gift of life is not the source of my struggle.  The spiritual warfare that I am experiencing has been a battle I've been fighting for many years and just can't seem to win (perhaps I need to quit trying so hard and simply surrender it to Jesus).  Anyway, I very much appreciate your prayers. 

 

 

Speaking of struggles and spiritual warfare, as I continue to read the amazing diary of St. Faustina, I realize just how small my struggles are relative to hers, and I also find tips in how to fight them like she so bravely did day after day.  Allow me to share some more excerpts from this book that have really spoken to me lately:

I united my sufferings with the suffering of Jesus and offered them for myself and for the conversion of souls who do not trust in the goodness of God.  Suddenly, my cell was filled with black figures full of anger and hatred for me.  One of them said, "Be damned, you and He who is within you, for you are beginning to torment us even in hell."  As soon as I said, "And the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us," the figures vanished in a sudden whir. (entry 323)

Jesus made known to me how very pleasing to Him were prayers of atonement.  He said to me, "The prayer of a humble and loving soul disarms the anger of My Father and draws down an ocean of blessings."  After I spent time in adoration, half way to my room I was surrounded by a pack of huge black dogs who were jumping and howling and trying to tear me to pieces.  I realized that they were not dogs, but demons.  One of them spoke up in a rage saying, "Because you have snatched so many souls away from us this night, we will tear you to pieces."  I answered, "If that is the will of the most merciful God, tear me to pieces, for I have justly deserved it, because I am the most miserable of all sinners, and God is ever holy, just, and infinitely merciful."  To these words all the demons answered as one, "Let us flee, for she is not alone; the Almighty is with her!"  And they vanished like the dust, like the noise of the road, while I continued on my way to my room undisturbed, finishing my prayers and pondering the infinite and unfathomable mercy of God. (entry 320)

On Friday, when I as at Ostra Brama to attend the ceremony during which the newly finished Divine Mercy painting was displayed, I heard a sermon given by my confessor Father Sopocko.  This sermon about Divine Mercy was the first of the things that Jesus had asked for so very long ago.  When he began to speak about the great mercy of the Lord, the image came alive and the rays pierced the hearts of the people gathered there, but not all to the same degree.  Some received more, some less.  Great joy filled my soul to see the grace of God.  Then I heard the words, "You are a witness of My mercy.  You shall stand before My throne forever as a living witness to My mercy."  When the sermon was over, I did not wait for the end of the service, as I was in a hurry to get back home.  When I had taken a few steps, a great multitude of demons blocked my way.  They threatened me with terrible tortures, and voices could be heard:  "She has snatched away everything we have worked for over so many years!"  When I asked them, "Where have you come from in such great numbers?" the wicked forms answered, "Out of human hearts; stop tormenting us!"  Seeing their great hatred for me, I immediately asked my Guardian Angel for help, and at once the bright and radiant figure of my Guardian Angel appeared and said to me, "Do not fear; without the Lord's permission these spirits will do you no harm."  Immediately the evil spirits vanished and the faithful Guardian Angel accompanied me, in a visible manner, right to the very house.  His look was modest and peaceful, and a flame of fire sparkled from his forehead.  O Jesus, I would like to toil and wear myself out and suffer all my life for that one moment in which I saw Your glory, O Lord, and profit for souls." (entry 419)

And lastly, St. Faustina's wisdom on being silent (part of the reason why I feel called to be silent about my cross and simply bear it only with the help of Jesus):

"Silence is a sword in the spiritual struggle.  A talkative soul will never attain sanctity.  The sword of silence will cut off everything that would like to cling to the soul.  We are sensitive to words and quickly want to answer back, without taking any regard as to whether it is God's will that we should speak.  A silent soul is strong; no adversities will harm it if it perseveres in silence.  The silent soul is capable of attaining the closest union with God.  It lives almost always under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit.  In the midst of all sufferings, both physical and spiritual, as well as in darkness and desolation, I will remain silent, like a dove, and not complain."  (entry 477 and 504)