I did it...

Well, I did it... 

Here's the new me:

 

 

So far I like the change.  We'll see if I still like it once I shower and have to figure out how to style it myself :}  My kids and my husband are still looking at me funny, but hopefully they will get used to the new look soon.  I wish it were this easy to change things in my soul that need a make-over!

 

Have a blessed weekend!

12 weeks prego and your vote please

 

So now that there is finally a baby-bump to show, I asked my husband to take a picture :)  I am so happy to be safely through the 1st trimester, even though I know I still have a long way to go.  I will be even more relieved once I'm past 15 weeks (which is how far along I was when I miscarried our baby Sebastian).  I am also eager to get past the nausea-phase, which is usually over around 14-16 weeks.  However, my nausea started a week or two earlier this time around, so I'm hoping that means it will also end earlier (which is probably wishful thinking on my part, but a girl can dream can't she?!)

 

People keep asking me if I feel the same this pregnancy as I did with my previous ones with the boys.  I would have to say "yes" for the most part, which leads me to believe we will be blessed with another boy.  My nausea is about the same intensity:  24 hours a day flu-like feeling but rarely throwing up.  The only difference is that is started at around 5 weeks this time (with my other pregnancies it started at 7 weeks).  And the only other difference that I've noticed is that I'm more emotional this time.  The first two weeks of this pregnancy I was in tears around the clock.  Even songs on the Christian radio station would make me cry.  My emotions have balanced out a little bit over the last few weeks, which my family is very grateful for!  :)  I'm guessing much of the tears had to do with pregnancy hormones and feeling like throwing up 24/7, but some of it was probably due to the fact that this pregnancy was a bit more of a surprise than my others.  Surprise?  I know, I know...being a veteran NFP user, you would think there would be no surprises in the baby making department, but that's simply not the case.  I'll try to explain. There is a big difference between using fertile days to try to conceive and using days on the edge of your fertile window as a way to remain open to life.  My husband and I try whole-heartedly to follow the Church's teachings regarding NFP, which means we try to remain open to the gift of life and to not use NFP as a means of contraception unless there is a very serious reason for avoiding pregnancy.  There have been times when we've had serious reasons to postpone a pregnancy, but we were not in one of those seasons recently, so we were using days in my cycle that were a little bit fertile in order to be open to God's will for our family size.  For months we didn't get pregnant, so I was slightly surprised when I missed my period in August.  Totally suprised?   No, certainly not. NFP didn't fail. We knew it was a possibility to be pregnant. And therein lies the beauty and the challenge of NFP: it leaves God in control. And since we have a God who loves us and is trustworthy, why not let Him send surprises?  The surprise factor, however, mentally made it a bit harder for me to become elated right away.  Of course I was happy, just like I was with our other pregnancies, but because we were not actively trying to conceive, it took more time to let go of the anxieties that come with having another child.  When you're trying to get pregnant, you have mentally already tackled most of those anxieties before you conceive.  With all our other pregnancies, we were actively trying to conceive, so it was easier to be excited right away.  I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me, but that's part of the reason that I think I've been so emotional this pregnancy.  Surprises from God just take a little bit longer to process, even though they are just as wonderful because God only gives what is good, right?!  :)

 

OK, sorry if that above paragraph was way too much information!  You have to keep in mind that blogging is like therapy for me...it's how I work through things, and sometimes I inadvertantly take my readers along for the ride...sorry!   Hopefully you're learning along with me though! :}

 

So on a lighter note, last week I had my second ultrasound, and what a joy it was to see that bouncing baby in my womb!  At my first ultrasound I was only at 6 weeks, so all I could really see was a beautiful heartbeat inside a tiny little stationary body.  My 12 week ultrasound was totally different...there were little arms and legs and I'm pretty sure I saw a trampoline in there that the baby was bouncing on! :)   It made all that nausea so worth it!  I couldn't believe how active the baby was...it was like he or she just drank a Mr. Dew.  Hopefully that was not a premonition of how hyperactive this little one will be outside of the womb! :} Anyway, it was a beautiful sight and it really helped me to embrace this pregnancy, this new little person, with all of my heart.  Yes, God is very good indeed.

 

And now on a totally unrelated topic...  I was wondering if you would mind helping me make a decision???  This pregnancy is making my face break out (especially on my forehead), so I am tempted to get bangs...lots of bangs (see photo below).  I've done side-swept bangs before and immediately vowed to never to do that again.  But this time I'm thinking of full bangs to hide my pregnancy acne.  My big concern is that it would make me look younger, which I want to avoid since I still get carded for alcohol at age 33.  Plus, my husband is predominantly grey, so I really don't want to look like I'm his daughter.  That would be very bad.  So I'd love to get some second opinions on what I should do.  Would you please cast your vote for "bangs" or "no bangs" in the comment box to help me decide?  Thank you :)

 

 

 

Thankful Thursday (on a Friday) :}

I know it's been awhile since I've posted a "thankful list"...  To be honest, it has been very hard for me to have a thankful heart during this all-day-morning-sickness-phase of my pregnancy.  I know that's not a good excuse.  There is always so very much to be thankful for, and deep down I'm even thankful for this nausea because it's a sign of a growing miracle inside of me, and it's an opportunity to offer up my discomfort for the good of others.  All of this I know is true, but living it on a daily basis has been a challenge.  I am weak.  I am selfish.  I am the baby and the only girl in my family...which explains a lot.   God has a lot of work to accomplish in my soul :)  But anyway, here is a brief list of some of things I have truly been thankful for, even in the throws of nausea...

• my rosary group:  the chaos of kids playing combined with the grace of moms praying
• Nathanael singing made-up songs in the car (the one he sang this morning contained the words "Jesus" and "cars" in the lyrics...it sure makes you wonder what he's thinking about)
• my 4 handsome, delightful boys that fill my life with more joy than I imagined possible
• sponsoring 2 dear friends for a Cursillo retreat...praying they get a downpour of God's grace
• watching baseball with my boys (they are so excited because their favorite teams made it to the playoffs--the Cardinals and the Tigers)
• friends who surprise me with meals because they remember what all-day-morning-sickness feels like
• a 33-day at-home retreat with my husband (33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley)--reuniting us to each other and to Jesus through Mary
• my pretty cat who cuddles with me in the afternoons while I pray on the couch
• the gift of Merry Maids from my husband who wanted to treat me with not having to clean toilets during my 1st trimester (what a good man I married)
• my sweet husband who has been doing all the grocery shopping lately (what a gift!)

this new painting of Mary from my mother-in-law, which now hangs in our dining room across from the painting of Jesus (both are reminders for our family to keep our thoughts and words holy because we are always surrounded by "a cloud of heavenly witnesses")

 

decorating for the Fall

 

 

bringing in our small (but delicious) crop of corn from our garden, and Dominic who loves to help me shuck it

 

the boys and their daddy catching one last big fish before the weather turns cold

Climbing the Sycamore Tree

Sometimes we need to just run away and climb a sycamore tree like Zaccheus did in hopes of catching a glimpse of Jesus.  Well, that's just what I did last weekend, and what a blessing it was. 

My friend Margaret, who is so in love with Jesus that she simply glows, invited me to come along with her to the monthly retreat offered at The Sycamore Tree.  The retreat center is a quaint little hermitage about 3 hours away in the breathtakingly beautiful Seely Swan Valley.  The moment I arrived I felt tranquil grace descent upon my soul.  The mission of the retreat center became clear the minute I arrived when I was invited to go say good morning to Jesus in the chapel where He was waiting to great me in the Blessed Sacrament, fully exposed in a simple monstrance.  What a reminder that I need to start every day greeting my Lord and asking for His grace to guide me all day long.

Next, we celebrated Mass, which is literally a taste of heaven here on earth.  That gift alone was worth the 3-hour drive.  Then we sat to listen to the first part of the lecture by Fr. John, a full-time hermit, whose topic was to share with us about the Pope's announcement that this is to be a year devoted to the "Porta Fidei", or door of faith, for all Catholics.  Pope Benedict XVI is asking all Catholics to truly study what their Catholic faith teaches through reading their Catechism and the 16 documents of Vatican II so that we can become "a living sign of the presence of the Risen Lord in the world...a world in particular need today of the credible witness of people enlightened in mind and heart by the word of the Lord, and capable of opening the hearts and minds of many to the desire for God and for true life, life without end."

Fr. John was a gifted speaker, but my first impression of him still makes me giggle.  He has the look of a hermit:  very tall, long grey beard with long grey hair.  He kind of reminded me of Gandolf from The Lord of the Rings.  But then when he opened his mouth to speak, a thick, Southern Texas accent spewed forth and an image of Mater the rusty tow-truck from the movie Cars replaced the image I had just a second earlier.  So that's how I would describe Fr. John---a clash of Gandolf and Mater--and that makes him all the more like-able once you get beyond your preconceived notion of what a hermit is supposed to be.  He was a delight and truly enlightened us with his teaching that day.  Fr. John shared with us the Pope's vision of what this year of faith should be like, how it should strengthen the Church by uniting all Catholics to the truths of our deeply beautiful faith passed on to us by Jesus and his apostles.  He said it is such a fitting time for this theme because so many Catholics are straying into the false beliefs of the culture...they are becoming "cafeteria Catholics" who are only picking and choosing the teachings of the Church that fit their lifestyle and throwing some of the harder to accept truths into the garbage.  However, if Catholics truly started studying their faith like the Pope is asking, they would come to understand that there really is only one Truth, and His name is Jesus, and if we only follow the teachings of Jesus that we "like" we run the risk of losing eternal life.

The retreat restored my tired spirit.  Indeed, I caught more than a glimpse of Jesus there.  He wanted to invite Himself home with me, just like He invited himself to Zaccheus' house in the Bible.  He re-invited Himself into my heart, into my daily life, to increase my faith and help me through whatever joys and trials lie ahead.  I am so thankful to have Jesus as my Savior and friend to guide me on this exciting, yet sometimes very challenging, journey towards eternal life.  As Pope Benedict reminded all of us in his Apostolic Letter announcing the Year of Faith:

The "door of faith" (Acts 14:27) is always open for us, ushering us into the life of communion with God and offering entry into his Church.  It is possible to cross the threshold when the word of God is proclaimed and the heart allows itself to be shaped by transforming grace.  To enter through that door is to set out on a journey that lasts a lifetime.

Blessed Mother, please help me in this year of faith to increase my faith in your beloved Son, to increase my knowledge of the Church He established to guide us.  Give me the grace to live my Catholic faith like you did, in everything I think, say, and do, all for the glory of God and the salvation of souls (especially my own!).  Amen.

For more informative links on "The Year of Faith," visit my friend Kim's recent post on the topic:
http://transitustiber.net/blog/2012/10/11/the-year-of-faith/

Not so normal "birth-day"

It should be normal to see birthdays written all over my calendar, right?  All the cousins' birthdays, my siblings', my parent's, the in-laws', etc, so that I can "attempt" to get cards sent out to each of them on time (unfortunately, they usually get sent belated despite my best efforts).  Well, there is one "birth-day" that I have written on my calendar that still catches me off guard every year...causes me to stare, to pause, to remember.  On October 10th, in my flowery cursive I read:  Sebastian's birth into heaven.  And the memories come flooding back whether I want them to or not....  the last ultrasound with no beating heart, the birth into my hands at home, discovering God gave us another boy, naming him Sebastian, calling Paul to come home from work, baptizing him in our sink, my need for a picture to remember him, the scary D and C later that day, the way my throat hurt when I awoke, the burial with a few friends, designing a tombstone... 

Sebastian wasn't our first miscarriage, nor, sadly, would he be our last.  My first miscarriage was so early in my pregnancy (6 weeks) that it seemed easier for me to pretend it didn't happen.  I never marked it on a calendar.  I now wish I would have. He may not have a date marked on my calendar, but I did grieve and we did give him a name:  Christian.  With Sebastian, I was 15 weeks pregnant.  I was showing, I had ultrasounds with a bouncing baby, I had survived the morning sickness phase, I thought I was over the risk of miscarriage.  Grief this time took me for a tailspin into a deep depression that lasted for quite some time.  Our third baby born into heaven happened at 8 weeks, and we named him Frances.  I had learned from losing Sebastian that I would want to remember Frances' birthday, so it is written on my calendar on November 13th.  Seeing these "birth-days" on my calendar I'm sure will always be bittersweet, but they are also beautiful reminders of so many truths that I don't know that I would have fully grasped otherwise.  My miscarriages taught me that we are not in control, that life is fragile, that we were not really intended for this world.  Yes, I grieved at each of their "birth-days" very differently, and I still grieve a little each time I remember them, but I now have the faith to believe that I can call them by name and ask them to pray for me, and that I will meet them again in heaven someday.  And that is not bitter, but rather very sweet.

I have many friends who have also experienced the heartbreak of miscarrying.  One sweet friend recently miscarried at 20 weeks.  She delivered a little girl who she thought would join her family of two rambunctious boys.  She named her Lily after the lily-white Blessed Virgin.  Another close friend delivered her baby boy full-term, only to hold him alive for a few seconds due to a placental abruption that was not detected in time.  Life is full of pain.  What I am finding is that it's not healthy to run from it, nor to pretend it away.  I need to write it on my calendar, to embrace it with arms of faith to find its purpose.  Pain's purpose is usually to shape us more into Christ, whose life was filled with pain, and whose pain won for us the greatest of all gifts:  eternal life.  If our pain can bring us closer to that gift, it should be remembered, it should be written on our calendars, or if not there, at least on our hearts.

I will close with a reprint of a poem I wrote for another kindred spirit friend who has shared the pain of miscarriage.  Perhaps some of you reading have experienced a not so normal "birth-day" of a child into heaven as well, and I hope this poem may give some comfort.

Womb Now Empty

Womb now empty
Eyes brimming full
Questions without answers
Why given then taken, tiny soul?

Emotions so myriad,
Heart too numb to share
Flee to an inner cloister
A few friends welcome there

Cradle to be barren
Tiny saint in heaven instead
Comforting is the thought
Still many tears are shed

Womb now empty
But heart stretching full
Soon in Heaven reunited
Mother and child, same goal

Michael: a new server of the Lord

 

 

After two weeks of diligent training, our son Michael is now proud to call himself an altar server for the Lord.  Honestly, I'm not sure who's more proud--him or his mother.  Truly, aside from the sacraments of his Baptism and 1st Holy Communion, I don't think I've been more proud of him and hope-filled for his future.  He took altar serving training with such seriousness and maturity, and now he is so eager for Mass (especially when it's his turn to be a server).  Knowing my son loves the Mass means that he loves Jesus Who is truly present at Mass in the Eucharist, and that is the greatest hope and consolation for a mother whose goal is for her children to love Jesus and be with Him in Heaven someday.

 

Whenever one of my sons becomes an altar server, part of me wonders if serving will lead to a vocation to the priesthood.  It used to be a church tradition that those who wanted to be trained as altar servers were truly training to be future priests because they felt that they had a sacred calling.  Altar serving was kind of like the first step of discerning whether or not God had planted the seed of the priestly vocation in their hearts.  It was a very serious undertaking...especially when Mass was in Latin and the servers had to memorize all the Latin responses to say on behalf of the congregation which didn't know Latin.  Today, now that the Mass is in the English vernacular, the role of the altar server is less prominent, but still very important and grace-filled.  It makes me sad that some churches don't take altar serving seriously.  So many churches have female servers (which doesn't make sense to me if the original role of the server was to discern a calling to the priesthood), or they have servers that are simply irreverent (chewing gum, gazing around, chatting with one another, wearing flip-flops, etc), which leads to irreverence or casualness towards the Eucharist.  In contrast, a reverent altar server can really call the congregation's attention to the holiness and AWE-someness of what is taking place during the Mass:  the miracle of God uniting Himself with us through the real body and blood of His Son!  We are so blessed that our church takes the role of altar serving very seriously, with much training and reverence for the Eucharist.  I am so very blessed to be the mother of boys who get to serve the Lord and His Church in this special way, and I will continue to pray that if one or more of them are called to the priesthood that they would have the ears to hear His voice.

 

"To serve at the altar...is next to the priesthood the highest privilege which a human can enjoy. He represents the faithful and takes a most intimate part in the rich treasures of the church's liturgy and ceremonial. Those sacred ceremonies should be carried out with devotion, dignity and attention to detail."  (Archbishop of Westminster, Bernard Cardinal Griffen)


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well done,  Michael!  May you always be such a faithful servant of the Lord!!!

Belated Birthday Tribute

My son Joseph turned 11 on September 10th, but it seems like he got to celebrate all month long (hence the late posting on the subject).  On his actual birthday, his daddy was out of town on a hunting trip, so I told Joseph I'd take him to his favorite restaurant to celebrate (which worked out nicely because I rarely cook during this 1st trimester nausea phase).  Joseph picked Taco Del Mar.  Afterwards, we walked next door to Petco because the kids love to say hello to all the animals.  The next night we went out for desert at Dairy Queen because we were just too full for ice cream after his birthday supper.  A few days later, my parents came to town.  I didn't tell the boys they were coming, and it was a great big surprise.  So, of course, my parents had to treat Joseph for his birthday too...  They took the boys fishing, to the carousel for dessert, to the park to play baseball, to the archery range to shoot at all the targets, and all sorts of fun things that grandparents do.  Then, the weekend after my parents left, we had one more big birthday event for Joseph...a trip to Silverwood Theme Park in Idaho.  Originally, I was supposed to take the 3 older boys because I LOVE rollercoasters (perhaps that's why I'm constantly on one in my head!), and I also love staying at hotels, swimming, and eating junk food on road trips.  Well, once we found out I was pregnant, we had to go with Plan B because obviously I'm not allowed to ride on rollercoasters; plus, with my blood clotting issues I'm not even allowed to drive in a car for more than 1 hour without having to get out of the car and walk around for a few blocks to prevent a miscarriage from occurring.  That would have made for a really long road trip.  So, Plan B meant Paul got to take the older boys on a fun father-son bonding adventure, and I got to stay home and bond with my babies and try not to throw up from my morning sickness.  I admit I was a bit sad not to go, but I was also deeply happy that the boys and their daddy had such a good time.  I was especially thankful that our Birthday Boy had a truly happy birthday this year, even without a traditional birthday party with his friends. 


Now for some Joseph trivia of 2012:

• Favorite food:  Italian bread
• Favorite colors:  red and black
• Favorite activities:  Fishing, skiing, baseball, drawing, altar serving, archery, playing flight simulator games
• Best friends: his brothers, Alex Amos, the Ahmann brothers, Levi Long
• Favorite baseball team:  St. Louis Cardinals
• Favorite books:  Garfield books, Tin Tin comics
• Favorite things his mommy loves about him:  his freckles, his maturity, his kindness and peace-making abilities, his amazing brain and the way he can memorize things (like the list of all the presidents or a 2-page long poem), the way he can just sit and draw or read for hours,  his sweetness towards his brothers, his growing faith